Life

 I can't believe how life has been so unbelievably hard. I feel some days like I am drowning. I don't want to be an adult anymore. Bills piling up and no end in sight. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't give up because I have kids counting on me. I have no one to turn to. No one's shoulder to cry on. Writing used to make me feel better but it seems like nothing helps these days. Being the strong one is not easy. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would be single and starting over at my age. Some days I feel angry because he died. I know it wasn't his fault but I can't help the way I feel. Every day just drags by and it feels like this is never going to end. I just want to be happy again. 

Depression feels like an endless rollercoaster ride

 Many people suffer from depression in the world today and it is more talked about now than what it used to be when I was younger. When I was in my 20's I literally thought that I was losing my mind. I tried so hard to be the perfect daughter, wife, and mother and I was battling this thing that was in my head that was driving me nuts. I was raised in the church and the church I was raised in taught that everything bad was the devil and if you prayed enough then you wouldn't have to have medicine. Also, if you were going through anything then it was because you had done something wrong and you should beg for forgiveness and pray through it. So here I was a young wife and mother dealing with all of this pressure and I had no idea that it was not just me. Then when I left the church and got divorced (due to his cheating) I was labeled the bad one because if my faith would have been strong enough then I would not have been the failure. I ended up meeting and marrying a really good man and he encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. It was the strangest thing to talk to someone and for them to tell me that I was not alone and that it is a real medical condition and that I was not alone. The biggest weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt normal for the first time in a long time. I am not going to say that the pills were a miracle cure because it took more than just that because I had to go through counseling due to the extreme brainwashing that I had gone through. I am now in my late 40's and yes there are times when I still go through cycles of depression but, it is nothing like it was in the past and I know what steps to take and I don't feel alone anymore. I am writing all of this because I just felt like there might be someone out there that might need to hear this. You are not alone and it is not you. Here recently I have been really going through some ups and downs because we are living in Kentucky and I really hate it here and I desperately want to move home to Florida. Even my doctors have suggested that moving home would be the best thing for us. Kentucky is ok for some people but for us, it is just filled with drama and stress and when we lived in Florida we were so relaxed and less stressed. I know that no place is perfect but, when you are somewhere that you feel at home then life does feel so much better both mentally and physically. It is so hard to describe and put into words how good it felt when we lived in Florida and now I just feel like a weight is around my neck and I can't breathe. We have been saving to try to move and we had money saved and the motor went out on our car so we had to use the money to get another car. Then the car we got the transmission messed up and we had to trade it in on another car. So, now we have reliable transportation but, it feels like we are back at square one. We have looked online and we have found plenty of places to live it is just now coming up with the money all over again. It feels sometimes like we are fighting a losing battle. Even the kids hate it here and want to go home. I hate that it feels like I let them down by moving to Kentucky in the first place 7 years ago. We thought things would feel and be different but, we were way off and now we are paying the price. These are the mind battles that I am dealing with and I am praying that all of it will come to an end soon and we will get the money to go home soon.

When your car goes Kerplunk!!

 Well in February we started making payments on a really cute little car. My husband told them while it was under warranty that something was wrong with the motor but, they wouldn't listen to him and they waited around until after the warranty ran out to finally say that oh yeah there is something wrong with the motor but, sorry about your luck the warranty is out and now you have to pay for another motor to be put in it. Now they want us to give them $1500 now and $600 plus our car payment of $400 a month to put in a used motor. We told them straight up no because we don't think they are doing us right and we are turning in the car this Friday to them. We decided if that is how they treat their customers then we no longer want to do business with them. So, we went somewhere else and got an SUV. I know it sounds crazy to some people because we had been paying on the other car to turn it in but, there is no guarantee that a used motor is going to not have problems and then we are going to be out even more money and we don't have $1000 a month plus $1500 down to give them to fix the car with a used motor anyway. This now brings us to our second problem, now we have to add back to our savings for our move because we had to dip into it to be able to get the SUV. Without getting another vehicle though my husband wouldn't be able to work and we wouldn't be able to move anyway so we had to do it. We just have to wait a couple of weeks longer than we wanted unless a miracle happens and someone actually donates to our GoFundMe page, which I doubt will ever happen because things like that never happen for us. We have been so stressed out for the past week over all of this it has made us physically ill. We are trying so hard to make a better life for our kids and ourselves and it is like everything is against us. It seems like every time we try to do something good for ourselves everything goes wrong. I see nothing wrong with trying to better ourselves. My husband stays stressed because he feels like he is letting us down because he is trying so hard to work for the money and everything that can go wrong does. I try to tell him that he is doing his best and not to stress but, he says that is easier said than done. I don't know what more I can do. I keep calling the Appeals council and they keep telling me that my case is still pending but it has been expedited and this is the same response I have been getting for 2 years now. They told me I should have an answer in 11 months but, it has been 24 months. I know people who get approved within 4-5 months but, I have been fighting since 2014. This is so not fair. If I could physically work I would but, I can't and I have doctor's statements to back me up and I don't understand how people are getting theirs so quickly while I am made to sit and wait for 7 years. I called the 1-800 number and they are going to see if they can find out why it is taking so long. I am supposed to call them back on the 26th. Hopefully, they can get some good answers because it is like they are just putting my case on a shelf somewhere and forgetting about me. I know the money isn't much but, it would at least help a little and I would at least feel better. Right now I feel like a burden because I can't work and I don't have an income and my husband has to do it all by himself. He tells me that I am not a burden and that as my husband it is his place to take care of me but, still I would feel better if I was contributing something even if it is a little check every month. Every little bit does help. I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining because I don't mean to, it is just if I don't get my feelings out somewhere and I keep them bottled up I will keep on being depressed. I always feel better after I have gotten my feeling out. I am doing the steps that my therapist has suggested so that way I don't keep my feelings buried and then I explode. For instance, I was upset about the older kids not wanting to have anything to do with us after moving out. Well after talking to my therapist and psychiatrist and some friends I am now feeling okay about it and I don't have my feeling about it buried anymore. I have one last thing to do and I found a way to contact Cody to find out why he decided to cut ties out of the blue. Well, I finally got ahold of his new wife and I asked her to give the message to Cody since he wouldn't message me back. Well, she messaged me back with a really nasty message full of lies that Cody had told her, and then she blocked me. So at least now I have closed with that. So at least now I know who my "family" really is right now and that is the ones who live in our house. They are the only ones that I can really count on to be there when I really need them. Like for instance a few months ago I fell and broke my finger and a few ribs and the "family" in my house were the only ones that were there for me to help me when I needed it. They are the ones that are there on holidays and any other days. I do have 1 daughter who lives on her own who is struggling right now and she has her ups and downs. She does call on holidays though. So I do still claim her. But. the other I don't because if I am not worth a free phone call at least on the holidays then I refuse to claim you. 

I really hate going to hospitals to visit

 So my father-in-law is in the hospital again and we are going to see him today. Both my husband and I hate hospitals. His mom hasn't even gone to see him and it's her husband but, yet she wants to get mad at everyone else and through a guilt trip on everyone if they don't go. To me, it doesn't make any sense. I feel like she is just a control freak and she wants everything her way. She is going around telling everyone that he is on his death bed and that the doctors are going to cut off his legs but, yet when we called the hospital and talked to his nurse they told us a whole different story. Yes, his legs are infected but, they have him on antibiotics and they are going to go in and try to drain the fluid off of his legs but, the doctors do not want to cut off his legs and no he is not on his death bed. She likes to exaggerate everything because I believe she lives for the drama. I on the other hand hate drama and I like to avoid it at all costs. I have the bubble that I live in and I like for others if they are about drama to stay out of my bubble. I don't always get what I want but, it is nice to have that setup. This is why we are so stressed out all of the time living in this stupid state. That is why we cannot wait to move and get away from all of this needless drama and all of the stress that it is putting in our lives. My health cannot take all of this senseless and needless daily-filled drama that she and others want to put into our lives. It is so crazy and I have had enough. There are times when I just want to either scream or cry and sometimes both. In about a week and a half we are going to drive down and look at some places for rent and see what we can find and hopefully find a place so that way two weeks after that we can move. Everything is moving so fast I can't wait to get this over with and finally be back home where we belong. We both know that we made a huge mistake coming back to Kentucky in the first place but, at the time we thought we were doing the right thing. I guess that is why they say that hindsight is 20/20. This blog is going to be short because I have a lot to do this morning but, I just wanted to fill you in on what is happening today just in case anyone cares. I know sometimes I some pitiful and I really don't mean to it is just I don't feel like we have anyone that really does care because we truly do feel alone in the world because no one calls just to check on us and see how we are doing. The only reason anyone calls is if they want something. For us that is exhausting. Life really should not be that way. I can remember when I was little and my mom's family would all get together for the holidays and they would have so much fun. I miss that. Family is not what it should be anymore and for me, that is a very sad thing.

Why is everything a debate

 Why is it nowadays that with teenagers everything is a debate? You can't just simply say clean your room and they do it. No, they want to debate or reason as to why they need to do things on their terms or their time or their way. When I was a kid we did things when our parents told us to. We didn't tell them to wait a minute or what we thought our opinion of the matter really was we just shut up and did as we were told unless we were asked for our opinion and then we were respectful when we gave it. I don't understand where I messed up with these last 2 kids. I really don't because I have racked my brain trying my best to think what I did to deserve such disrespect from them and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I have done wrong. I did my best or at least I thought I did my best raising them the right way and I have always shown them the respect that they deserve and even when they have been disrespectful I have still given them respect. So why is it that they feel like they have the right to disrespect me by arguing with me whenever I ask or tell them to do something? Their chores are really not that difficult and do not take that long and they spend more time trying to argue and find ways not to do them than if they would just pitch in and help get the job done in the first place. I mean really all the one has to do is keep their own room clean and feed and water the car and scoop the cat litter and the other one has to clean their room and take out the trash and mop the hallway. What is so hard about that? Also, we ask them to do little things to help us like take out the trash or pick up things around the house to keep it clean but, then you would think that we are asking for the end of the world. When I was growing up I was an only child so all the chores fell on me and my parents both worked full-time so I made sure that the house stayed clean so they didn't have to come home to a dirty house. Not these two. If we clean the house and leave for a few hours and come home and ask them to keep an eye on the dogs while we are gone so they don't mess up the house they want and we will come home to not only the dogs messing the house up but, there are a lot of the times they have messed the house up too and they wonder why we get upset with them. It isn't like they are little anymore they are both teenagers and both are capable of cleaning up after themselves but, you wouldn't know it by the looks of their rooms or our house before we clean the house. But, I refuse to clean grown kid's rooms. I will not do it. I don't care how messy it gets because I am not able to clean it. Let me rephrase that I do care how messy it gets it is just that I will not clean it because if I do then they will just mess it back up anyway. My husband works and then comes home and helps clean the house because I can't really do a whole lot because of my health and then our older son on his days off helps clean. I am just so frustrated by the lack of disrespect that I receive I don't understand and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to explode and when I do then I am going to be the bad guy because I am going to be the one who is being mean for no reason because they just don't see what they are doing is wrong. It is really not fair. Also, you would think that they would stop and realize that we have bent over backward to give them a home when we didn't have to. We love them as our own, we always have and we always will. I just wish they would get that understanding about them. I just wish that would start respecting us. They don't seem to backtalk my husband as much as they backtalk me. Why is it that I am the one that gets used as a doormat? Shew, even the dogs listen better to my husband than they do me. My husband says that I am too soft on them and that I have to make them do it but, how do I make them do something that they don't want to do? I ask them to do it and they don't. I tell them to do it and they don't. I yell at them and they don't listen. I can't physically make them get up and do something that they don't want to do because they are as big as I am so, basically, if they don't want to do something realistically what am I supposed to do? I cannot say that every day is a bad day because it isn't. Some days are good but, here lately the good days are getting few and far between. Having teenagers should not feel like a jail sentence and there are days for me when it does and that is not fair. They say when you do the crime you do the time but, the sad part is I didn't do the crime so why am I being punished. Kids scream today Life isn't fair, well I say yeah your right life isn't fair so get over it and quit complaining. If life was fair I wouldn't be in pain every day of my life at age 47. If life was fair my kids would love and respect me. If life was fair I would live in Florida right now and would probably be on the beach. So don't talk to me about life being unfair because I am the wrong one. Then we have a kid who thinks we must be an ATM and are made of money because it is always asking for something. I just want to scream you are an adult grow up and quit running to mom and dad to fix your life. I can't even fix mine. My life sucks too, join the crowd. Quit crying, why did I move back to Kentucky because I say that every day. Quit saying, this family sucks because no one is ever there for anyone because I already know that. My in-laws put the dys in dysfunction. I will leave you will that little tidbit right there. That is my rant for the day. Thank you for reading about my screwed-up life hope it helps you feel better about yours. 

Wondering when my time comes

 Yes, I know I am weird. I watch a lot of YouTube videos. Lately, I have been watching Steve will do it and the Nelk boys and they help a lot of strangers. They give away cars, jewelry, money, houses, and just help deserving people, and don't get me wrong I think that is wonderful. I love seeing people receive gifts and being made happy because it warms my heart and believe me I am in no way hating on no one. I just get a little sad sometimes because I wonder why no one ever sees the struggle that my husband and I go through. Together we have raised 10 children. Let me explain; He got married to his first wife and during the marriage, she had 2 kids that were not his and 2 that were. Then after the divorce, he had a child that we raised. Oh and by the way the 2 kids that she had that were not his she didn't want so we took them in and raised them as our own with no help from her ever. And the child he had by the other woman we raised with no help from that woman either. Then by my first marriage, I had 3 kids and there was no support there either. And now we have had our 2 grandkids since birth and with no support there either so that is 10 kids being raised all on my husband and I. Do we regret it? No by no means ever. The only thing that saddens us now is that out of all 10 kids only 3 are loyal to us and a couple may call every now and then if they feel like it. It really hurts that we gave them the best that we could in life and they have now turned their backs on us. Then I see all these people doing Go Fund Me pages and receiving help from everyone and yet there we go again us nothing. I guess I do sound bitter and I am sorry because I really don't mean to sound that way I am just trying to get my feelings out and let you know how I feel so please forgive me. I am the type of person who loves to see other people succeed in life, I really do. I don't like to see people doing bad or hurting in any way. I am just having a hard time right now with my emotions because we are wanting to move so very badly to Florida because I have spoken to my doctors and because of the health conditions that I am having they have suggested that the weather in Florida would be best for me and also for my husband. We used to live in Florida and while we lived there I was doing so much better than I am now but, the reason that we moved back to Kentucky is because of my husband's family. They all live here in Kentucky and we moved here to help out with his parents but, right now we feel that my health is what is important, and moving would be the best thing for us to do. Also, with school starting in August we wanted to move the 1st of the month so the kids wouldn't have to start school here and then have to move in the middle of the school year. Now we just don't know what is going to happen because finding a place is harder than you might think. People don't rent out their own houses anymore, they use agencies and the agencies run credit checks and charge fees per person. The background check is no big deal because we both have clean backgrounds. Our credit is both above 500 but less than 600 so with that they want a deposit of twice the rent to be able to move in which is so crazy. I mean we have a good rental history, good job history, excellent background, shouldn't that count for something? Oh, no they want everything handed to them on a silver platter with a fee of $50 per adult just to let you know if you qualify and if you don't then you don't get your fee back. I don't know about you but, I just don't have $100 to give away to people just to be told sorry your credit isn't good enough to rent my house. You would think that they are trying to rent you a mansion the way they are acting but, some of the houses are really not even all that nice. I mean some are nice but, some are not. I have looked online at so many houses over the last week that my head is just spinning thinking about it. I have seen some really pretty houses and I have seen some really crappy houses. I have seen them asking stupid prices for houses that I wouldn't want my service dog living in. I don't understand how they price houses. To me, it's like they have a board with prices and a board with houses and they just throw darts at both and that's how they pick. To me, it makes no sense. Well, I guess I am going to stop writing for now and quit thinking about when my day will come when someone will finally see that we too are a deserving family that has paid our dues. My husband has hustled and busted his butt to raise these kids and give them the best that he could. He has gone without so that they wouldn't have to. He deserves the best I just wish I could give it to him. I feel bad for him because I have seen him go around with holes in his shoes because he used the money to make sure all the kids had new shoes for school. He has worn used clothes so the kids could have new clothes for school. He has even eaten a peanut butter sandwich for dinner and told the kids he wasn't hungry so they would have enough. He may not be perfect but he is mine and I thank God for him every day and I love him. He has a kind heart and helps others whenever he can without any recognition. He is the definition of a true man and father. 

Am I Just Weird

 Is it just me or am I just weird. I remember when when I was young that when your parents told you to do something you just did it no questions asked. Well now it's like when the kids were a little I would tell him to do something they would do it. Now that they're older I told him to do something and they straight up tell me no. I don't know what to do anymore I'm so confused. It's not like I can pick him up and spank their butt because there is big as I am. If I go in to try to take their phone or electronics away from them they really want to Buck up against me and tell me no I can't do it. It's not like I can fight with them because like I said there's big as I am so I'm at a point where I'm really confused and don't know what to do. Where and when did all of this become a problem where and when did I go wrong. How and what do I do? What do I do I'm so confused and I just weird or is it just today society and today's kids. Are we now living in a generation where kids just do what they want to do and the society that we live in and the government backs them up and tells them they don't have to listen to their parents they don't have to do with their parents tell them to do because if their parents try to boss them around and try to make them do what they're supposed to do that all they have to do is pick up the phone and call DSS and then they will back them up. If you make them do what they're supposed to do and try to take the things away from them all they have to do is pick up the phone and make one phone call and it's neglect or abuse. Where did we go wrong in society or all we have is a bunch of crybaby snowflakes. I can no longer take this I can no longer live this way something has got to be done where did we go wrong in a society like this.