When your heart is breaking but you have to smile

One of the hardest things in life is having to smile when your heart is breaking into a million pieces.  The bad part is that it is the one that you love the most that with one word can literally rip out your heart and stomp the life out of it. My husband doesn't fight fair he knows exactly how to crush my very sole. I have been a faithful wife for 20 years. Not one time have I ever even thought about cheating on him.  I mean why would I? I know how that makes a person feel and I know that once that trust is lost it can never be fully restored.  Also I am not a list because that is one of my biggest pet peeves. So when my husband wants to pick a fight he accuses me of cheating and calls me a liar.  These 2 things hit me like a ton of bricks every time.  Even though I know that is what he is doing it doesn't make it any easier.  It still crushes me and makes me cry. Just because I know something that he is saying is a lie doesn't make it any easier to handle. Then when I just can't take it anymore and I get up and go in the living room what does he do, he follows me into the living room and keeps on aggregating me. Oh until he decides that he needs sleep because he has to work tomorrow and then he asks me to come back to bed. I just wish he would leave me alone because he only makes things worse by saying hatful things.  Then when everything is said and done he will apologize and expect me to just forget everything he has said.  Oh let's see, I am a cheater, a liar, lazy, fat, stupid, gay and whatever else he can think of at the time.  I personally don't see how you can tell someone that you love them and then turn around and say such nasty things to them. Also how can you stomp on someone's heart and then be like oops and expect them to just suck it up and forget everything you did. That might work a couple of times but when you keep doing it over and over eventually those things get burned into your brain and they never fully go away.  I just wish that things could be different and that he would actually love me the way that I thought that he once did. Was it me? I mean did I change and in turn cause him to fall out of love and feel as though he is trapped and that is why he treats me the way he does. Or did he never really love me and now he feels trapped with no way out? Or maybe he does love me but he is dealing with some mental issues and he needs professional help.  I for one am hoping it is the last one because I really don't want to think about the other 2.

Recon mission

Okay my older daughter called me last week, she is out of jail and on a years probation for a simple mistamener of a battery charge.  Now I am not saying that she doesn't deserve to be punished for the crime but, the other girl did not have to go to the hospital and she did not have any injeries per say.  She has already done 15 days in jail for the crime and I feel like since she has no friends or family in Georiga then hopefully they will allow her to transfer her probation here because she has a job to go to and family to support her.  I would think that would be what the courts would want because if she stays then she will more than likely pull 3 years in the prison system there and with over-croweding the way it is in most jails and prison sytems they are already to many people cramed in them.  I will admit that in Florida and Kentucky she has had charges of assult but, she was younger when that happened.  Yes she has had a drug problem and I know people who have came off hard drugs and stayed off hard drugs and changed their life for the better because they hit their lowest point in their life and could see themselves clearly and they didn't like what they saw.  My mom was one of those people and a good friend of mine.  I wasn't on drugs but, I partied and drank myself into obliviation every weekend.  Until one night I drank myself sober and I didn't like what I was seeing.  I am finally, 20 years later able to have a glass of wine whenever I want and I am able to stop and not feel like I have to drink everything that is in the house.  I used to be the one that if we had it I had to drink all of everything right then and there because I had that craving and nawing that I just couldn't fill up.  It feels so awesome to no longer have that desire or thirst that needs to be quinched.  Well she is off of heroin and has been clean for about 3 months and says that the desire for it is gone.  She had dabbled with meth and had a really bad experience with it and has sworn off of that stuff.  The guy that she is with is a really bad meth addict and he is threatening her life if she tries to leave him and he beats her almost on the daily.  Just a few days ago she had to go the the emergency for a concusion because he repeatedly bashed her head into the concrete.  I am just gonna throw this out there for free, I am not the baddest person alive but let me tell you what I have a clean record and I don't care to make it muddy by taking care of the issue.  There is one thing that people need to know, you do not mess with a person's children.  Even if those kids are being heathens and you want to beat their butts when you unconditionally love your kids then you love them in the bad and in the good.  Like she told him, "my parents my not love the decisions or choices that I make but, they will never stop loving me".  Boy is she correct, no matter what my kids do I will always love them.  I don't agree with most of the stupid crap that my kids do but, when the chips are down they always know who they can turn to.  So today I have to call the PO her and find out what we need to do to get her switched and then when they give us the green light that pycotic f**ktard better hide real good because his rear end is going to be grass and I am going to be the mower.  What he doesn't realize is that I have way to many conections and I wouldn't even have to leave my house to get her here and him to never mess with her again.  He wants to say he runs that town.  That fool only runs his mouth and he has her scared for her life. He for real ain't seen scary until he meets me or my crew face to face.  Well I will keep ya'll posted and wish me luck.  Love and Peace to all my friends and family.

Between a rock and a hard place

Have you ever been in situations in your life where you truly feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place?  Well I am truly caught up in this problem right now in my life. Have you ever been betrayed my someone and so hurt that you build up a wall and you feel like you can never trust that person again? Has someone hurt someone you love so bad that they are now having to deal with the emotional wounds and scars that the person left but, the person that did the damage is also someone you love?  Have you ever tried to protect someone from the emotional harm but, you don't quite know what to do because when you start to pick and choose sides then someone that you love is also going to be hurt?  What if the person that has done all the damage is someone you truly love and they have hit rock bottom and have asked for forgiveness and you forgive them knowing that the person that they hurt is going to be upset by your actions but, you are hoping and praying that this is the time that they have truly changed and you don't want to be cruel and give them a reason to relapse or end their life?  I am truly having to make some hard decisions in my life right now and I am so lost on what the right choice is at this time.  Well for those of you who don't know or maybe I haven't said let me do some explaining and please if anyone has any input or advice that they would like to give me please feel free to give it to me because I am truly at a loss on what to do at this point.  Ok from the top, it all started 14 years ago when my step-daughter who I help raise and I love dearly went to live with her mother and she ended upgetting pregnant at 14 years old. Yes that is not a typo you read that correctly she was 14.  Well she ended up having a drug problem and was unable to care for the baby so we have raised him as our own and he is 13 now.  Then almost 2 years later she had a little girl which she was also unable to raise do to drugs and we have raised her and she is now 11.  During the course of 3-4 years after her second child she gave birth to 3 more children.  A girl who lives with the baby daddy's sister, a boy who got adopted by a wonderful christian family and another girl who lives with her daddy.  She ended up getting married while she was pregnant with the last child but, the marriage failed and he divorced her and got sole custody of the baby girl.  During the past 13 years she has been in and out of the kids lives sometimes good times and then other times extremly bad times.  She has been in and out of jail and relationships and on and off drugs.  It has been an extreme chaos of emotions and mental illness and the rollercoaster needs to come to an end.  I have always been hopefully that she would straighten her life up because she is like such an amazingly smart and awsome person.  She has a college degree in the medical field but, of her record and drug usage she can nolonger use it. I am really sad for her.  Also she has missed out on some really amazing events in the kids lives.  I know that mental illness can be passed down through genes but, some of it is brought on by life choices and experiences that you have.  Mental illness runs rampid through her mother's side of the family and father's side of the family so it is like hit or miss.  Then on top of that her life choices and experiences and situations that she has put herself into and because of that now the children that I am raising are dealing with mental illness and baggage that she has unloaded onto them.  I know as a mother it is my job to protect my children but, I really don't know what to do when the children I am trying to protect are being harmed mental by another one of my children.  I am so confused because I love all of my children biological or otherwise just the same.  I have never made a difference in how I treat any of my children.  Yes I have been extremly disappointed in my kids because they have treated me like crap and turned on me and I have been really hurt and wounded mentally by them but, as a mother I have never stopped loving them and praying that they would change their ways. I am trying to be there for her because I know that she has noone and that she tells everyone that no matter what she knows that I love her and will always be there for her which tells me that at least I am doing something right.  She told her friend that her mom, talking about me (her biological mother overdoesed on drugs) will always love her even though I don't love the things that she might be doing or the choices that she is making in her life.  If any of you have kept up with my blogs you can see that I have been on this emotional rollercoaster for awhile now and I have been confused and at might breaking point more often than not.  So this is my delima, my older daughter (the biological mother) has mental hurt the 2 younger kids by the words that she has spoken to them and not being there when she was needed and now they have an anger and resentment against her but, deep down still love her and are confused as to how to handle it because you never know if this is the time that she gets clean and stays clean and really has changed for the good.  I really want to believe that this is it but, you know there is still that thought in the back of my mind that says be careful because you are just going to get hurt yet again and then what.  I am going to try and scheduale me an appointment to talk with someone because this is bigger than me and I need help.  Well I am going to close for now.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

The ups and downs of life

My life seems to be a series of ups and downs not only day to day but here lately minute to minute.  I used to love rollercoasters but, now all I can do is say "I want off this rollercoaster!"  If it isn't me battleing my own demons in my head it is one of the kids with their emotional baggage or my husband with all of his whatever.  Then there is the two dogs, the house and a rabbit.  Between appointments and junk I feel overwellmed at times and I just have to keep reminding myself to breath.  Will this rollercoaster ever stop?  I mean if it wasn't a constant thing like every minute not knowing what kind of mood the kids will be in and weither or not they will be getting along or what will set them off at any given moment.  For example they were both fixing their own breakfast and helping each other and getting along just fine and then in the next minute after my husband asked me about my appointments for tomorrow and that is what set them off this time.  They were arguing about who needed therapy and who didn't need therapy and why the other one needed therapy more than the other one.  I mean for real at this point I feel like our dogs probably need therapy and maybe even the rabbit.  If I don't laugh then I will be balled up in the fetal position in a corner somewhere crying my eyes out or screaming my lungs out or both at the same time.  I know that this isn't the first set of teenagers that we have raised but, I for the life of me cannot remember the others being this difficult.  These kids can be the sweetest most well mannered children ever but in just a flip of the switch they turn into little demons like the spawn from satan.  One minute I can ask them to do something and they are like "yes maam" and then I can ask them to do the same thing another time and they will say "whatever" and oh how I now hate that word.  I used to not mind the word whatever used in a sentence but, now with having raging homonal teenagers I absolutly hate that word.  I don't really feel like I have been a bad parent except for the times when I am in my head and those stupid voices are trying to convence me that somehow the way that all the kids are is my fault.  I mean I know down deep inside that I am not fully to blame but, sometimes those voices like to use me as a scapegoat.  Then there are times when I have to get angry and act like a raving lunitic to get them to even hear me.  Then I sound like an idiot like today I gave them a rule of they are not allowd to argue in my room.  Well that worked for awhile until they realized that all they have to do is just walk out of my room.  I think they invent the dumbest stuff to argue about.  For instance they were playing a video game together and deside to argue about the color of shirts their characters were wearing.  Also they were arguing over how fast the game was loading.  Then they want to call each other names and then tell me what punishment the other one should recieve and how they shouldn't be in trouble because clearly the other person started it and I must be deaf because I can't hear it they way that they heard it and how they are right even though it didn't happen the way they are claiming it happened.  I really at these times question my sanity.  I really feel at times like I am losing what little bit of my mind that I have left.  I often ask myself "is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?"  I wonder if they would put me in a padded cell with WIFI?  Does the place serve blue jello because I really do like blue jello.  Would they bring me coffee in the mornings and diet mountain dew the rest of the day?  Would I have to do housework?  Would it be quiet?  Yep these are my fantisies dreaming of being put in a padded room on the funny farm.  Most people fantisize about living a dream life and here I sit blowing spit bubbles dreaming of a padded room.  No I really don't think I am normal and I don't even know what normal is anymore.  Yippy skippy for me I get to spend 2 and half months with them 24/7 until school starts back in August.  Is it to early to make a count down calendar?  I love my family with all of my heart but, there is a lot of the time that they ride on my non-excistent last nerve.  I think at times they are using it for a jumprope or tying each other up with it.  Yep comedy is my only releif.  Well closing for yet another day of spin the wheel on the old "how can I drive mom crazy" wheel.  Love and Peace to all my friends and family.

Have you ever...?

Have you ever had one of those days or moments when everything is riding on what seems to be your very last nerve and you don't know weither to scream or cry?  Well this feeling started for me again last night and it has filered over into this morning.  Generally when I feel this way especially in the evenings I will go to sleep and in the morning it generally will have passed, but not this time.  I cried myself to sleep last night with the demons in my head telling me what a worthless, lazy, sorry excuse for a human being that I am.  Usually I can quiet them down but, last night they just ran rampid in my mind and I ended up falling asleep after midnight.  Anyone that knows me can tell you that I am on most every night asleep my nine.  Not last night though I tried so hard to get myself to just calm down but, nothing worked. I tossed and turned the night away and woke up to the alarm going off at 5:30 AM.  I really hate this about myself. I don't know how to make it stop and I feel weak against resisting it. This morning I am going to try really hard to relax and allow my mind to rest.  I allow myself to brow beat myself because I do feel like a failure and a burden to everyone even if they don't say it outloud.  I hate having to ask anyone for help because I do not want anyone to feel like I am putting them out.  Deep down I know my husband loves me but, there is always that nagging little voice that tells me that I should feel sorry for him being saddled with me. I have so many physical and mental disabilities that I cannot successfully hold down a job that I know that I am a financial burden on everyone.  I mean he has physical limitations and he still holds down a full-time job so me not working has to mean that I am lazy.  Half the time I don't even do a decent job with the housework and cooking.  Pain aside I am just going to have to suck it up and make this house spotless and start exercising and not eating so that way I can lose this ugly fat and not be a burden on everyone.  I have made a decision that from now on I am going to start doing everything for myself and not rely on anyone but, myself to get anything done.  I am trying to be less argumentitive and more quiet as not to bother anyone.  I hate feeling like this.  My insides feel like they are shaking and vibrating.  I would not with this feeling on anyone.  On another not one of my older step-daughters got out of jail and called me to with me a happy late mother's day.  She also wanted to let me know that while she was in jail got clean again and she has to stay in Georga for a year until she is off probation.  She is starting all over again from rock bottom and I always pray that this is the time that she makes it okay.  I try not to blame myself for the way that my step-kids have turned out but, those mean voices inside my head always tell me that if I would have been a better mother figure then maybe they wouldn't have turned out the way that they have and just maybe they wouldn't hate me as much as they do.  I mean even my own kids that I actually gave birth to hate me so why should the rest of them hate me to.  Even the gradkids that we have raised seem to hate me more often than not.  My daughter/granddaughter tells me most of the time how I never do anything right anymore.  I know there are times when I just don't feel good but, as my husband has said that is no excuse because he works full time and hurts.  The least I can do is make sure the house is spotless and dinner is amazing and stop spending any money whatsoever.  Even if he gives me money to spend on myself from now on I am going to start spending it on him and the kids because I don't deserve to spend any money on myself or at least that is how I feel.  I just feel like I have fell into this bottomless pit and I can't seem to find my way out and I feel as though dirt is being thrown in on top of me and the harder I try to struggle the more dirt falls in on top of me and I am going to be buried alive.  I try to keep a smile on myself even though the smile is fake because I don't want to burden anyone with my emotional baggage.  Maybe if I lay still and don't struggle againt anything it will be over faster and then I can finally be at peace.  I feel miserable and I have to one to turn to because I am embarassed enough that the family living in our home sees me this way.  Why would I ever want to let a stranger in to see what a failure and screw up I really am.  No I am not writing this so that people feel sorry for me I just hope that maybe my pitiful excuse of a life and the things that I go through can help someone not to have to experience the things that I am experiencing.  I would never in a million years wish any of these feelings on anyone.  No one deserves to ever feel the way that I feel.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

50 million things to do and 0% energy

I hate waiting and needing to do things and not having the energy to do them.  People just don't realize that when you have health issues not all of them can be seen.  If I was in a wheelchair or something like that then I think people would react differently to me when I say I just don't feel well or I am tired.  I suffer from Fibromyalga, chronic fatigue, epstein barr virus, COPD, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, PTSD, depression, Bipolor disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, OCD, arthritis in my feet, back and hands, my shoulder has issues and arthritis, my neck has nerve damage and my knees need to be replaced but, they are holding off as long as possible on that because they say that I am still young and the knees when replaced only hold up for so long. I am on over 20 different medications and I am in constant pain and the only thing they perscribe me for pain is Ibuprophen and extra strength tylenol.  Yep that's it crazy I know right?  I am in a way happy that I am not on pain meds because I don't want to become addicted to them.  Also that is why I am praying that the legalization of medical weed comes quickly.  When you smoke weed it does help with pain and anxiety.  It will also help to relax your mind so you can go to sleep without the aid of a sleeping pill which I am on and they can also become addicting.  People want to put a label or stigmatized on people that smoke weed as lazy hippies that don't do anything but, sit around all day smoking pot and having the munchies but, this could not be farther from the truth because when you are not in the constant pain that you experience on the daily then you are able to be active and do more things that you were not able to do.  Right now when I have a good day I try to cram all the things that need to be done into that one day and that is the biggest mistake you can make because then you end up with even more pain for the next few days because you over worked yourself.  And the only reason you do this is because you know it needs to be done and you get tired of feeling like a burden to your family.  Even if they never say it and they act as though everything is okay and they don't mind still in the back of your mind there is this nagging little voice that keeps saying that you are lazy and a burden to everyone and you should get your fat ass up and do more than you already do.  I have to say that my husband is a good man and he does understand how I feel and we try to work as a team to get things done but, that doesn't mean that I don't feel like a burden.  I try really hard not to dwell on these thoughts because I know that they are extreamly unhealthy and I don't want to put myself into a downward spiral of a depressive episode.  I have friends online that are wonderful and they always cheer me up because we have coffee time together every weekday and just enjoy each other's company.  We also make silly videos that makes each other and others laugh.  I heard one person this morning say that if you only get one like on your video then that is awesome because you were able to make that person smile and when you have a live chat if only a few people join then that's okay because those few people needed someone to hang out with and they chose you.  This is the reason that I do tic toc videos and lives because if I can make at least 1 person smile everyday then my little insignificate life is making a difference.  So if you see someone out there making a video and acting crazy they just might be on tic toc making someone else's day a little bit brighter.  Well I have to go for now.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

I will never understand people

Weither it is my own kids or other people in general I will never understand them.  Yesterday my daughter's femal rabbit Angel came up missing, I spent almost an hour walking around trying to find her.  It was over 80 degrees outside and I have a hard time breathing and walking but, because this was important to her, or so I thought, I sacrificed my well being to look for her pet.  We could not find her anywhere.  She had a conspiricy therory that the upstairs idiot neighbors had stolen her.  It does seem strange that this is twice that their cage has mysteriouly came open and Angel is the only one missing.  Well this morning as I was taking my son and husband to work I happened to look over and there she sat in the neighbor's that moved driveway.  My husband quickly pulled over and I jumped out and got her.  Apearently when she jumped out of the cage she broke her back leg because she wasn't hopping right on it and she squealed in pain when I picked her up and she peed everywhere.  I wasn't mad I just took one of my husband's t-shirts that he had in the van and wrapped her up and she calmed right down and even slept for a while. Well after dropping my husband and son off at work I drove home and came in and work up Kia-Leigh to show her that she was found  safe and that she will be okay.  Well she didn't care she was more interested in sleeping and when I asked her if she even cared her response was NO.  I fully am so confused by this because she pitched a hissy fit wanting to get the bunnies and she doesn't want to take care of them and then doesn't care when Angel was found.  She is hassleing us to get her a puppy and I am a little leary in doing so because she doesn't even wantt to take care of the rabbits so what makes me think that the puppy will be any different.  I have enough on my plate as it is taking care of this house and the 2 furbabies that we already have and then helping out with the 2 rabbits that are not even my responsibility.  There is no way I can take care of another puppy.  The one that we have is a special needs dog and he is 5 and the other one is 4 months old and clearly a spoiled brat.  I cleaned out the rabbit cage last week and my husband cleaned it out this week and boy let me tell you that is a job and a half because it smells so bad.  The reason that we did it both times is because she was recovering from toncil and adnoid surgery but, now she is able to do things and she refuses but then when we have money she expects us to buy her whatever she wants.  She is really acting like a highclass brat and it is really on my last nerve.  It isn't like she is little anymore and I can make her physically do as I ask her too.  She is 5'3" and weighs 185 pounds there is litterally no way I can make her do as I say.  I have taken her laptop and phone from her and she doesn't care.  Send her to her room, she doesn't care I am truly at a loss on what to do because I have never encountered a situation like this with all the 10 kids we raised.  She can be the sweetest person when she wants to be but when she decides that she wants to make your life a living hell well she will do anything and everything she can to ride on your last nerve and hurt your feelings until you are on the verge of crying and screaming at the same time.  We have got the ball rolling for counciling but that is another week away so right now I am biting my tounge and biding my time until that day gets here.  On another note the idiot neighbors upstairs decided that their 6 week old puppy is nolonger allowed in there appartment because it had an accident on the floor so the tied it to their steps with no food, water or shelter.  Oh belive me we went off because that is not something that you do to a baby puppy.  How would they like it if someone tied them to a tree with nothing?  Believe me I would love to be the one to do it.  So yes I did call the police on them.  Normally I handle things on my own but, I told them to take the puppy in the house and they wouldn't listen so I had to resort to a more drastic tactic.  I really don't care if they like me or not and the best thing I can say for them is if they don't like us then they can pack up and move away.  They are by far the worst neighbors that I have ever had and believe me I have had a lot.  I have had mexicans live next door to me that had better manors than these white trash idiots have.  It is rediculass.  I wish they would go back to whatever rock they crawled out from under and leave us in peace.  Even the landlord is getting tired of their crap. Well I guess I have complained enough for one day, I have to get ready to leave for physical therapy.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

Surviving 20 years of marriage tips

Okay so on the 26th of this month me and my husband will have been together for 20 years but, married for 19 years.  People say that in this day and age that is a rare thing for people to be together and faithful for that long.  I happen to agree with everyone on that count.  My aunt and uncle had been married for 64 years when he passed away a week ago. Now that is something that I think is amazing.  Well I have a few tips just personal observences that I will give ya'll that I have found helpful for me to staying with someone for any length of time.  First off you have to have respect for not only yourself but, for the other person as well.  If you don't respect for yourself then you can't have respect for anyone else either.  Also you have to love yourself because that is the first step to loving others because if you don't know how to love yourself then how can you possibly love anyone else?  Now days you find that people fall in and out of love about as much as they change their hair color.  There will be days that you will find that you are having a hard time loving your spouse but, you have to tell yourself that just because they are doing are acting like a complete moron that doesn't mean you throw everything away because you are going by a fly by night feeling.  Your feelings at times may change daily or even hourly.  Feelings can be a very fickled thing, sometimes feelings can be superfishal.  Just know that they may be on your nerves right now but, you are not perfect and there is times that you are on their nerves and they stuck around.  Try to find something special that you can do for your person daily and don't tell them that you are doing it because weither they admit it or tell you they notice the specail things they really do notice them because if you all of a sudden stop doing those special things then believe me they will notice.  We went through a training experience one time some years back and we learned that little tip and I really had never thought about it like that.  My husband works full time 5 days a week and I wake up every morning at 5:30 am and start coffee and fix his lunch and lay his clothes out so that way he can get a few minutes extra rest.  I don't do this because it is my job or duty, I do it because I respect my husband for all the sacrifices that he makes for our family.  I do everything I do out of love for my spouse.  Some people hate doing things for their spouse because they say they feel as though they are a maid or whatever but, that is really not a way to look at it.  If you are a homemaker than technically it is part of your job to keep the house going.  Now that doesn't mean just because your spouse works full time when they get home they can just put their feet up and allow you to wait on them hand and foot because they still need to help do things around the house just like you have things that you have to do they to need to realize that their paid job isn't the only responsibliity that they have.  My hubby helps me with housework even though he works full time.  On my bad health days he works full time and then helps me with whatever I was unable to do that day.  We work as a team and that is what makes a difference.  He doesn't think that he is any better than I am because we are equal partners and teammates in this thing called marriage.  When people finally come to this realization than they will be a lot happier because yes I understand that my husband is the leader and head of your household but that doesn't make him any better than me because we are equal and teammates.  We have tried to instill this in our kids and some have learned and then others are hardheaded and just don't get it or care.  Marriage is like a garden you have to put the work in to be able to see the benifits of it.  You just can't throw seeds in the ground and expect that the garden will take care of itself because weeds will overtake it and it will nolonger be yours.  Never compromise the moral integrity of your marriage.  What I mean by that is I am not saying that you cannot have friends of the opposite sex but, you should never have private meetings or conversations with the opposite sex because then weeds can enter and cause problems or weeds can enter the minds of others and can cause problems with your good name.  Now you might be saying well I love my spouse and nothing like that will ever happen but, let me tell you it is better to be safe than sorry because once that ugly weed of doubt starts growing it is a really hard thing to get rid of and it is really not worth having.  This is just some of the things that have worked for us and you can either use them or not it really doesn't hurt my feelings one way or the other because everyone has to use whatever works for them.  Well I am going to close for now.  Peace and Love to all of my friends and family.

When it rains it pours

By no means am I  not greatful for my husband's job because I don't know what we would do if he wasn't working.  I have no regrets about him and my son taking time off last week to be with me as our daughter had surgery or going to Virgina to be with my Aunt and cousins as they mourned the death of my Uncle.  Even though we had to juggle some bills around last week and this week to be able to do all of that.  We are by no means well of and we live paycheck to paycheck but, with all of that said we are not doing without and I am not complaining because I know that there are people out there in the world who would give anything to be in our shoes because they have nothing.  So I by no means want to ever sound ungreatful.  Adding to the "soap opera" at my husband's work I forgot to mention a couple of characters, Shorty, we call him that because I am taller than he is and when we first saw him we thought it was bring your kid to work day.  The truck that he drives is so big and even his boots are huge compaired to him, it really is adorable.  Then we have Tex, although he doesn't ride a horse to work he wears a cowboy hat and boots and my husband asks me everytime we see him "I wonder wear he parked his horse?".  As I come up with more names and characters I will add them to my posts.  I was never more heartbroke than on Sunday evening to find out that a little 22 month old baby boy went missing from his home.  I can not begin to imagine what the parents went through as they searched relentlessly for their baby and then as nightfall came on the first night and their baby nowhere to be found.  Then another night came and went and still no traces of their baby boy anywhere. Then another night came and went and still nothing.  Then as the evening on the 3rd night emerged the searchers heard a cry from a 50 foot embankment of a mine shaft 1 mile away from the child's home.  When they went to see where the crying was coming from by the grace of God there was the baby boy.  With nothing to eat or drink for 3 days this little boy only suffered from dehydration and was takin to the hospital to be treated for that alone.  God had to have sent His angels to protect and care for this little boy because you can not explain how a almost 2 year old was down a 50 foot mine shaft for 3 days with no food or drink and he only suffered from dehydration.  That is truly a miricle and a story for him to tell when he is older about the time that God took care of him.  I get goosebumps just writing and thinking about it.  I may not be the best Christian in the world but, I still know when to give God all the glory and I know that this is one of those amazing times.  I got turned down yet again for disability and I am appealing the decicion and hiring a lawyer because I had xrays done on my neck yesterday and they might be sending me for an MRI because they have found nerve damage and that is what is causing my hands to shake, get numb and tingle.  I have jumped through so many hoops it is really disheartening when people who are clearly able to work and even kids that don't need it get approved for disability and here I am with a page and a half of doctor's diagnosises stating that I am not physically able to hold down a job and the disability board continues to repeatedly deny my case.  I am already suffering from depression and this by no means makes me feel any better.  I am going to have to close for now because I have to get ready to go for physical therapy which I do 2 times a week.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

nicknames

Okay so am I the only one who has nicknames that you call people? I mean not to their faces but, to your spouse or someone close to you that knows that person.  Well my husband and older son work at a factory here in town and when they get off work they tell me all about the people at their work and it sounds like they are working on the set of a cheesy soap opera which I have named, "As the Stomach Turns".  There are various characters that star in this soap opera and I am going to tell you their character names and a little bit of information behind how they got their character names.  First off we have Door Knob and she is a middle aged woman who has been married 4 times and every one of her exes works at the factory and every guy with the exception of my husband and son, fall all over themselves flirting with her.  Now you might be thinking wow to get that much attention she must be drop dead gorgious, but no she is not pretty at all.  Now let me tell you, I am secure enough in my womanhood that if another woman is pretty I will be one of the first to say that she is pretty but, if a mud fence is cuter then I am going to tell you that the mud fence is cuter.  Then we have the twins who are not really twins but, I call them twins and they also drive similar trucks that are oversized and way to big for them to be driving.  Their names are Taco and Burrito, yes they are hispanic and both are short.  I told my husband and son today that they need to drive a vehicle that is more their size like a smart car or a rollarskate and my son said that they could probablly both fit on a skateboard.  Then we have hemroid and how he got his name is that he constantly has his head so far up the formanes ass that he looks like a hemroid hanging out.  Then there is the foreman which my husband nicknamed dickhead because there is no pleasing the man.  No matter how hard they work or how much they get done it is never good enough.  Then you have the hall monitor who is suposed to be driving the fork life but, he will go past all the bathrooms and bang on the door like the police. Then there is chicken fucker, now I didn't come up with that name the guys did because aparently he told them that he would screw anything including a chicken.  Although there is a bunch more characters at the factory that is all of the nicknames that I can think of at this time.  There is never a dull moment at their work and they fill me in on the juciey details of the gossip going on and let me tell you it sounds just like a paton place.  Well I must go for now because I am having pysical theripy on my sholder today.  So bye for now.  Love and peace to all of my friends and family.

Just my opinion

Well another Mother's Day has come and gone.  I have to say that I did enjoy my day because my husband cooked and cleaned and I got to sit in bed all day and watch TV and play on my phone.  Any day that I can just relax is a great day.   I received no phone calls at all or text or emails which was really no surprise because why should it be any different than any other day.  I'm just saying that it did not come as any big shock that I was not contacted or acknowledged.  It is funny the things that are not right with life that you get used to and come to expect. It is funny in a sad way not funny as in ha ha.  It really is crazy how complete strangers online treat you better than your own flesh and blood or the ones that you raised as your own.  It is really a sad situation.  On a different note, the other day I wrote about how I do not feel that it is right that people from other countries come to america illigally and expect that the government should finanually take care of them.  And the crazy part is that our government is dumb enough to actually do it.  We have leagal United States citizens that have faught for our country in the military that need help and we claim we are to broke to help assist them but, yet we are taking better care of illigal aligns that sneak into our country.  People want to complain about Trump wanting to build a wall to keep the illigals out but, then they have built camps for the illigals that they have caught and they are taking care of them instead of just shipping them back to where they came from.  I have no problem of any race coming to America to live just as long as they do it the legal way.  No that does not make me racist in the least little bit.  I feel that everyone should be treated equally.  Another thing that I do not feel is right is the people that come over here illigally and get into trouble with the law and then they get put into our jails and our tax money goes to taking care of them.  Legally here or not if you are originally here from a different country and you cause legal problems here in America then I feel that you need to be shipped back to your home country for them to deal with and take care of and not be allowed to reenter the United States.  Other countries would not allow American citizen to act out and be allowed to stay in their country or even be able to visit or live there.  I just find that it is crazy how other countries can have walls and rules but the minute that the United States talks about building a wall or imposing rules all of a sudden we are racist.  Isn't that a little bit hypocritical?  I mean I am just saying that that is an observation that I have made.  Also some races come her and work for cash and then send the money back to their home country.  This does nothing to help our economy because the money is not getting taxed and helping us.  It is benefiting another country and that really should not be our responcibility.  Also I don't like the fact that people move to the United States because they claim it is so much better here but then they want to talk against our way of life.  It they feel that the United States is so terible then they should pack up and move back to their home country.  Well I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I welcome a discusion on this matter so if anyone that reads this would like to discuss this more indepth or give me their opinion on the topic please feel to comment so I can have feedback.  Well I am going to close this blog for now.  Peace and love to all my friends and family.

Mother's Day

Well another Mother's Dayis upon us.  As usual only the kidsin my home wished me a happy mother's day.  That leaves 7 kids that don't even acknowledge my existence but, belive me when they needed a mother I was the one that made the sacrifices for them to be able to have a good life.  Kia-Leigh had her toncils taken out on Wednesday and she is still experienceing pain.  She is drinking plenty of liquidsbut, she is not eating to much.  Not eating is not a problem as long as she keeps drinking.  I try to keep my chin up and not let it keep me down about the kids not acknowledging me but, I can't lie it does get me down if I sit and think about it.  My husband tries to make up for their shortcomings and that agrivates me because he hasn't done anything wrong and I don't feel like he should have to make up for them.  I don't understand it because 4 kids have a mother that was never there for them and then when she overdosed they put her on a pedistal and decided to rewrite history making her a saint.  She abandoned them and had nothing to do with them and everytime she broke their heart I was the one who was left picking up the pieces.  Then the other one his mother threw him in the trash can outside in the winter when he was a baby and she wanted nothing to do with him and again I stepped up and was the mother to him that he never had.  I really don't understand why he doesn't acknowledge me.  Then 2 of mine shune me at all costs. I really don't understand why either because I have been a mother to them and made sure that they didn't do without growing up.  It really is heartbreaking when you have deicated your life to children and then when they grow up they completly turn their back on you.  I guess I will never be able to explain the way they make me feel.  As someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD among other things people rejecting you without an explanation really does mess with your head.  When I am not able to reason something or explain it then it just sits in the back of my mind and nags at me.  No matter how much I try to push it out and put on a brave face it still sits their nagging away at me.  Even though I tell others that it doesn't bother me, in reality it really does bother me.  It makes me feel that there is something wrong with me.  Well I am going to sign off for now and go watch a movie with my hubby.  Peace and love to all my friends and family.

Teenagers and their hormones suck

Dealing with teenagers and their hormone's really does suck really bad because you never know from one minute to the next what you will be dealing with.  For instance they may or may not wake up in a really good mood or they may or may not wake or in a really bad mood.  One minute they are your sweet Innocent children and then the next minute they are the spawn of Satan and you never know what is going to set them off.  I have been dealing with teenage hormones for way to long now and let me tell you out of ten kids there has not been one that hasn't been a challenge to deal with.  Yes every single child was different in their own unique way but, they have all been difficult at one time or another.  They wonder why I am crazy and have grey hair, well hello I blame all that on teenage hormones.  I was sain before I had all these children but, that may or may not be a lie.  I mean at least that is what I tell them..  I was actually an easy going kid growing up but, I was an only child so that may have been why.  My husband said he was a trouble maker and he was always into something and he and his siblings fought all the time.  Have kids they said it will be fun they said.  Lol I really can't complain to much because they have been fun to have around.  There defiantly has not been a dull moment in my life since having kids.  I really wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  OK now to some matter of opinion.  I love all races, colors and genders but, I have a pet peeve that I do not feel is fair.  Let's think about this for a minute, if I choose to move to a foreign country they are not going to pay me to live there or they are not going to hire people that speak English just they can be a translator for me for free.  No they are going to make me get a job and learn their language or hire a translator for myself.  And it doesn't matter what country I move to it will be that way.  But oh no not in America we are paying forenors to move to our country, we give them free money every month, free food stamps, free medical coverage, housing and oh so much more.  Our businesses hire bilingual people and we hire a translator service to accommodate other languages.  It is a must have requirement that our children learn a foreign language in high school to be able to graduate.  I honestly believe that this is unfair to our economy and to our people.  Men and women who have fought for the freedom of our country's freedom do not even get the luxuries.  So please someone explain to me why when we supposedly cannot afford to take care of the people that we have in our country but, yet we constantly keep bringing more and more people to America.  I just think that if people want to be here then they need to do it legally and they should not be eligible to collect the benefits that rightfully belong to the American citizens.  Well I will close for now.  If anyone has any thoughts on this subject please feel free to comment.  Love and peace to all my friends and family.

Common misconception

Why is it that if I child doesn't grow up to be a model citizen than it is the mother's fault because she must have done something wrong while raising her child. People say this all the time that the mother must not have corrected her child properly because why else would the child grow up to be a drug addict or wife beater etc. What if the mother really has done everything the right way and they still stray from the right path, then what, is the parents still to blame?  Why is it that I have so much burden and guilt on my shoulders about how all 10 of these kids have turned out and are turning out when I have done everything in my power to teach them right from wrong and show them that there is consequences to their wrong actions. It seems like the harder I try the worse things turn out and in a way I really have just given up. My health is rapidly going down hill and my mental status feels at times like it is going to break but, yet these kids who are no longer babies and understand fully what they are doing just don't seem to care. My husband and I are really at our wits end. We have took these last 2 to counselors and nothing has helped. We are trying 1 last time with a new councilor and if this doesn't help then I really just don't know what I am going to do. I guess maybe I need to go spend some time in a padded room eating blue Jell-O and blowing spit bubbles. Well I better close before I keep spiraling down this rabbit hole and then can't dig my way out. Peace and love to all my family and friends.

Maybe I am a bad mom

Ok today's blog is going to be dark because I am really going through some things right now. Every time it is a school day my 11 year old decides to act out and refuses to go to school. I can't physically but her on the bus or in the van because she is as big as I am.  I really am at a loss as what to do with her. I really do love my kids with all my heart and I will do anything in the world for them. It seems as though when she is not getting her way she decides to yell at me and tells me that I am not her mother and she doesn't want to be around me or live with me. I fully understand I did not give birth to her but I am the one who has been there for her since day one. It seems like the harder i try the worse I get treated. Out of the 3 kids that I did give birth to only one has anything to do with me and out of the 7 I raised as my own no really treat me with any kind of thankfulness. We have our 2 grandchildren that are under 18 that live with us and I have always treated them and the rest as my own. I have never made a difference in any of the kids, in fact I did more for them than I did my own but do I get a thank you? Hell no I get treated like I don't matter. I truly give up because why should I keep putting myself out there so I can keep getting hurt. It is not fair. I don't understand i did what I felt was the right thing to do and it has really got me nowhere. It has only gotten me a broken heart and more depression. I really don't know what I have done wrong to deserve being treated this way. I have literally given all these kids everything that they want. I have done without to make sure they could have what they want and I have never been told thank you or been appricappre for anything that I have done. I just must be a door mat for everyone to wipe there feet on. Well I warned you that this was going to be dark and I am sorry but I just had to get it out of my head. Love and peace to all my friends and family.

Annoying neighbors

It never ceases to amaze me how low class and trashy some people can act.  Yesterday evening around 6 PM the neighbors were yet again stomping through the house and sounding as though they were coming through the ceiling.  I was not feeling good so my older son knocked on their door and politely asked them if they could keep it down because his mom (me) wasn't feeling good.  Well the man decides to get rude with him and told him that it was during the day and they would make as much noise as they wanted and that we were never to climb his stairs and knock on his door again.  Well that was the straw that broke the camel's back because earlier in the day the woman was screaming at the top of her lungs at her 11 year old son.  Okay whatever I get it he is your kid but, when you are being that loud right outside my kitchen window and it is closed and has a blackout curtain on it and I can hear every word you you are screaming.  Also my son who was all the way in the back of the house with his door closed and his video game on could hear her and my daughter who was in the living room with her phone up could hear her, and me in my room with my TV on could hear her that is when I have a problem because you are then disturbing the peace.  My husband walked out onto our back porch and calmly asked her if she could tone it down because he didn't want his kids hearing all of that.  She had the nerve to roll her eyes and keep on going, so I walked out on the porch and just looked at her and she decided to take it upstairs and quite it down.  So when they were rude to my son I lost it finally and decided that it was time to fight fire with fire and I cranked my stereo up to 35.  Okay let me explain my stereo is actually a DJ system and let me tell you it can really thump.  It didn't take them 2 minutes to come flying down their stairs and bang on my door.  So I fling open my door and standing furious on my back porch is their teenage son and he immediately starts yelling at me telling me that it is my turn to be quiet and that I am going to turn the music down now.  Okay that went over like a lead balloon because for one you are a punk ass child and you are not going to demand me to do anything.  My kids will tell you that will never work for me.  You might ask me nicely if I will do it but demanding me and yelling at me nope that shit won't fly.  Well I am assuming that he has not heard the word no to much in his short life because he grew more and more angry when I told him no I was listening to my music because remember it is day time and we can do as we please.  He proceeded to get louder and more belligerent and I told him to get off my porch that I was not dealing with a child.  Well by then his dad had come down the stairs and was just standing there.  His son proceeded to call me a Bitch and a Whore, I took one look at his dad and I said excuse me is that the kind of kid that you are raising that you would allow him to talk to a woman that way.  All his dad could say was to tell him to go back upstairs.  Excuse me no apology or anything wow, you let one of my kids talk to an adult like that and they will be spitting out teeth and apologizing with their teeth in their hand.  I do not put up with and have never put up with that kind of behavior from my kids and no my kids are not perfect far from it but they know how to talk to an adult.  Well the dad's woman came downstairs and started running her mouth and I told her to shut up and go back upstairs because this had nothing to do with her.  The dad said the reason his son was so upset was because he couldn't hear his TV.  Well boo who cry me a river build a bridge and get over it because with all the noise that they make upstairs there is time that I cannot sleep or hear my TV but you don't see my kids going up there and calling the adults out of their names.  Even the dad never apologized for his son's behavior he only made excuses for him.  Oh and their excuse for all the running and jumping in the house is because the 11 year old has ADHD, oh great just more excuses.  So you are telling me that when he goes to school that he doesn't sit and do his work that he is running through the classroom non stop and jumping around because I will call Bullshit on that because I have worked with kids that have ADHD in the school system and they had better control of themselves than that.  Kids know when their parents are making excuses for them and they will do whatever they can get by with.  I am not saying that ADHD is not a real thing but, people also use that as an excuse to allow their children to misbehave and be rude and I don't have time for all of that nonsense because my home is a place of peace of me and I don't want to put up with your child's nonsense.  When they first moved in the landlord rented it to the man and his teenage son but, since moving in he has moved in a woman, her 11 year old son and another teenage girl.  So all together they have 2 adults and 3 kids living in a small 2 bedroom apartment.  After me telling the man he needs to but a muzzle and a leash on his woman she decided that she would go back upstairs but, not before she informed me that I was rude and didn't know how to properly treat my husband with respect.  Bitch please you don't even know me or know how I treat my man.  My man starts out his day with me laying his clothes out, me fixing him breakfast and coffee before work and fixing his lunch to take to work, I keep the house clean and when he comes home he has a hot meal waiting on him.  I help him take off his shoes and socks when he gets home, fix him a plate of food.  When he goes and takes a shower or bath I bring him his clothes.  I wait on my man because he works and provides for our family and I don't have to work.  Then we watch what he wants to watch on TV.  So before you start telling me that I don't respect my man you better stop and recognize who you are addressing and you better back up and get your nose up out of my koolaid before you get your beak slapped off.  My husband thought for sure that I was going to fight her but, like I told him she was at least smart enough to stay at her steps and not approach my porch because if she would have got to close this here cobra would have struck.  I don't like to get loud and rowdy because I am way to old for all that drama and nonsense but, don't get it twisted I will not allow someone to get in my face and disrespect me because then I will deal with my business and roll on.  Well I guess I have ranted enough on that subject but, I had to get it off my chest and out of my head.  On a better note we bought a garden tiller, it is used but it was a one owner and garage kept and it is a craftsman brand so I was really happy about that.  And the best part is that we only paid $70 for it.  I am really excited because now my husband can plow up me a vegetable garden and my flower garden.  Well I have a lot to do today so I am going to close for now.  Peace and Love to all my family and friends.

I survived April fools day

I am sorry I know I did not write yesterday but, it was an unexpectedly hectic day.  I was so fortunate that nobody tried to prank me which was a good thing. Some families really get into pranking each other but, for some strange reason my family doesn't which is really strange because my family is crazy and always trying to get one over on each other.  Okay now you are going to hear me rant because these people that have moved into the apartment above us are extremely loud and rude.  They for some reason think that it is okay to stomp through their apartment at all hours of the day and night.  It is one thing to walk through your home but, constantly run and stomp through your home especially when you are living above someone is extremely rude and very unnecessary.  And then if that is not bad enough they decide to run a vacuum cleaner at 5 AM.  I mean I could understand if they worked during the day and that is the only time that they can do it but, that is not the case.  They are home all day long running and stomping through the apartment.  They also tend to yell at each other and make loud noises.  When we have nicely asked them to keep it down they are rude and act like we shouldn't be saying anything to them about it.  So I guess the next step is to tell the landlord again and tell him that he needs to handle this because it is really riding on my last nerve.  I can't let my husband handle it because he is too redneck and he would end up throwing the dude off the balcony or down the stairs and we cannot afford for him to go to jail because he doesn't want to lose his job.  I was talking to my Tik Tok family this morning during our coffee club meeting and they was talking about their horror stories of Walmart.  People tend to be crazy when they go to Walmart for some reason their mouth filter goes out the window.  Like we went to park in a parking spot and the people on the other side decided that we should move so that they could pull through, we turned our vehicle off and got out to go into the store and they cussed us out and pulled around and threw a drink at me and drove off.  It was so crazy I think people get high and then go to Walmart.  On the agenda for today after lunch I am going to go into the bathroom and mud up the holes so that way I can paint it tomorrow.  I also am going to mud the walls in my daughters bedroom walls and bathroom.  Then paint it either tomorrow or Friday.  I really just need to get this stuff done and I need to do it while the kids are home on spring break because that way they can help me.  It is supposed to warm up on Friday so we are going to be going outside and clean up the trash that is all over the back yard because I am sick and tired of looking at it.  Well I need to go get busy and get all this crap done and eat lunch.  Peace and Love to all of my family and friends.

TGIF

Oh yeah today is Friday and tomorrow we are going to go to the big city of Lexington to visit family and friends.  I just pray that everything goes good because I absolutely would hate to drive for 2 hours to spend time with people and then they act like butt heads.  I can't stand drama, that is one of the reasons we live so far away because we are in a small town and by ourselves and it is wonderful.  The only drama that we generally have to deal with is when one of the kids gets and attitude.  They are scheduled to see councilors but that won't be until they go back to school after spring break.  I am in a way looking forward to spring break, which is this week but, in a way I am dreading it.  I never know what kind of mood the kids are going to be in.  I have some craft projects that I want to do with them and I am just praying that they can at least do good and get along with each other for the week.  I don't know that Dalton will want to do all the craft projects and stuff but, I know that Kia-Leigh will.  Also we are going to go outside and clean up the back yard because whoever lived here before were slobs.  So we want our back yard to look good so we can put out a grill and lawn furniture and things of that nature.  I also want to put in a horseshoe pit because I love playing horseshoes.  I am also going to get a hammock, one that has it's own stand.  They have them at Kroger's for $100 so that really isn't that bad.  I want to get my husband a grill for Father's Day.  For his birthday probably the hammock.  His birthday and Father's Day are both in June.  My husband is the biggest worry wort that I have ever met.  He panics every month while waiting for his check to deposit on his card.  If it isn't on there at the exact time that he expects it to be there he panics.  Last month it did not deposit until 3:46 PM central time, and other months it has deposited on his card at 11:46 AM central time.  So as you can see it is just sporadically on.  I wouldn't panic unless it got late and it still wasn't there.  He will call the card every month and ask them if it is still active and every month they tell him the same thing yes it is active.  I mean his paycheck just deposited on it yesterday and I have used the card twice today and there is money on his card so why wouldn't it be active.  He says all the time that I don't understand that he relied on that money to be there so we can pay our rent.  Yes I fully understand that we need that money for bills but, I don't have to sit in a worried fit to not understand.  I just prefer to not stress about things that don't need to be stressed about.  I just hope that this weekend he can relax and not stress about anything because that would drive me up a wall.  He needs at least one or even two days that he can forget about everything and just relax and be the man that I fell in love with that was fun and full of life.  Lately life has really stole his joy and he has become a hateful old man and I really don't like it. Yes I am still madly in love with him and I always will be and nothing is ever going to change that but, I would love to see him really smile like he used to.  It breaks my heart that it seems that his joy has just been zapped away.  Looking back over these last 20 years that we have been together we have endured a lot of things that most couples would have broken up over.  There has been no cheating at all from either side and there has never been a thought of it either because we have a low opinion of cheaters and that is something that neither one of us ever has to worry about.  We have just experienced a lot of grief and heartache from all of our children that with some of them has ripped our hearts to shreds.  We have experienced loss as far as the passing of my mom and dad.  We have had fur babies that we had for years pass away.  We have moved and lost all of our belongings and had to start over many times but, through all of the things that we have been through I feel that it has in a way strengthened us and made us grow up.  We are responsible now and the first thing that we do every week and every month is pay our bills.  Yes there are some weeks that we only have the money to pay our bills and then have nothing extra to just get our wants but, we realize that at least our bills are paid and we are able to relax and know that we have everything that we really need.  I go live on Tik Tok at 7:30 AM Monday-Friday and I am starting to get a little bit of a following on there.  We sit and talk about anything and everything while enjoying our morning coffee.  It is really nice getting to know new people even though it is just an Internet friendship.  I feel like if I can just be there for at least one person then that is a good thing.  My husband doesn't like me to do any media stuff when he is home because when he is home he wants me to be spending time with him which I fully understand.  So that is why I really don't get on the Internet on the weekends or evenings because we are spending our time together.  Also he has a lot of health issues that cause him pain and plus he works hard at his job to support us and when he gets home in the evenings he is in a lot of pain and he is tired.  I like to be there for him so I really don't mind giving him my undivided attention.  Well today I took my live on the road and took everyone with me while I paid bills and went shopping.  It was a lot of fun for me because it felt like I wasn't really alone.  I was able to find some really good deals today I got some Easter basket stuffers for my daughter and some other things.  My husband doesn't know how much money I have spent and I really don't want him to know.  I did get the things that he wanted me to buy like trash bags, dryer sheets and dish washing liquid and I got it at next to nothing because normally we would spend about $6 on kitchen trash bags, $5 on black trash bags, $3 on dish washing liquid and $3 on dryer sheets for a grand total of $17 plus tax, well I got everything for $5 plus tax for a grand total in savings of $12.  I think that is a good deal.  Also I got 4 things of deodorant, 2 dove 48 hour protection dry spray and 1 axe deodorant spray and 1 axe roll on deodorant.  If you went to the store to buy those you would pay $16 plus tax but I only paid $6 plus tax for them for a savings of $10.  I also go 2 foam pantine conditioners for $2 plus tax.  For an early Easter present I got my hubby an electronic Bible and Pac Man headphones.  I think that is something that he will like because he wants to read the Bible but, it is hard for him because he has trouble seeing the words and also he really isn't that good at reading so this is a way that he can hear the Bible and it will be good for him because it also has music downloaded on it.  I'm sure that in the evenings when he is trying to relax and go to sleep that he will use it to listen to.  I swear I think that upstairs has a heard of elephants living with them because them stomp back and forth through their house and it sounds like they are about to come through the ceiling.  Well today is half day for the kids because for some reason on Fridays they have half day of school.  They get home 2 hours earlier than normal so they are home now.  I am going to close for now and more than likely I won't be able to write again until Monday morning so until then, Peace and Love to all my family and friends.

Life can be crazy

Well this morning I woke at 5:30 AM as usual, got up went to the bathroom and then made coffee.  I was supposed to take my husband to work so that way I could go pay some bills and shop a little bit but, our daughter decided that she was going to bull up and not go to school because she didn't feel good.  I fully understand that she is sick and don't feel good because her tonsils are swollen and infected but, I have took her to the doctor and she is on an antibiotic and she doesn't need to be missing school because really there is no reason for her to be home.  For some reason she hates going to school and I don't really know how to handle it.  I cannot home school her because health wise I just can't do it.  Also we bump heads and it really would not work out.  The problem is that she is too smart for her own good and she hates authority.  We have spoke with a counselor and she will be meeting with her at least once a week at the school which I believe will help.  Also they are going to have her meet with a psychiatrist to see if maybe she needs to be on any kind of medication.  I know that medication is not always the answer but, I also know that sometimes it is necessary at least to help work through some issues.  Some people, like me, need to be on medication to help regulate hormones in the body and the chemicals in their system because some people's bodies just don't have the things that they need because of the pregnancy of their mother.  My mother experienced a great deal of stress while she was pregnant and she had to work hard and was on her feet for long hours.  Also I had a traumatic birth experience due to being stuck in the birth canal for 72 hours and then once I was born my head was swollen.  Also since being alive I have had multiple time that I have experienced traumatic experiences so I feel that is what has contributed to my mental health state of being.  I feel that her mental health state is due to the fact of all the drugs and alcohol that her biological mother consumed.  Then since being alive she has experienced traumatic experiences.  Her brother is also in need of counseling so they are going to set that up at his school.  He also has experienced the same traumatic experiences in and out of the womb so they are also going to set him up with a psychiatrist.  Well I am trying so hard to housebreak this dog of my husbands and it is about to drive me up a wall because he will stay outside forever walking around and he will do his business and then come inside and not 2 minutes later due his business in the house.  At first my husband wanted to just do nothing about it but, fuss and like I told him, he is just like a child and he has to be taught.  When you see him do it you how it to him and swat his bottom and then take him outside again that way he knows that he needs to go to the door and go outside instead of going in the floor.  He is really smart so I know that he can do it.  Bastian has bladder problems but he does at least go on either a puppy pad or sometimes on the linoleum or hardwood floor.  I mean at least it isn't on the carpet.  I am not going to lie yes they do have accidents on the carpet in our room and it pisses my hubby off because the carpet wasn't cheap to buy and put in but, I do try my hardest to keep them from doing it.  We have the living room blocked off so they are not able to be in there unless one of us is in there with them. Since I was not able to go pay bills today I have to spend tomorrow running around crazy.  Oh well at least on Saturday we get to go relax and have a little fun with our friends and family.  We are going to visit our Granddaughter, Sister (our kids aunt sort of), mother-in-law, father-in-law, and friends.  Then we are going to go to the suite and relax and have some drinks and eat and then relax and watch some TV and rest.  Then we are going to eat breakfast the next morning and then go pick up our daughter from her sister's house and probably go back over to my in-laws house to say goodbye and then come home and rest until they have to get up on Monday and go back to work.  Next week is spring break for the kids so we are going to do some things around the yard to make it look nicer outside.  Also we are going to finish remodeling my daughter's room and hopefully her bathroom also.  Well I must go cook dinner for this crew.  Closing for today.  Peace and Love my family and friends.

My crazy life

Sorry about being off here for a few days but, I was sick and so was my daughter so it was a crazy weekend and beginning of the week.  Monday we had 3 separate doctor visits in 3 different cities, it was absolutely crazy and then on top of that we had the rent man come over and fix our heat.  By the time we got home that night I was so wore completely out but, I still had to fix dinner which consisted of liver, mac and tomato juice and glazed candied carrots.  I fell into bed and went to sleep.  Tuesday I tried to finish up my Easter wreath and I fixed beans for dinner and folded laundry. Today I finished up the wreath and hung it up also I strung the glow in the dark eggs so I am needing my hubby to help me figure out what to do with them.  For dinner tonight I am making baked chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing and green beans.  I also have guess what fun fun fun laundry to fold.  It seems that everyday I have at least one load of laundry to fold.  I guess that might have something to do with 5 people living in this house lol.  I really don't mind folding the laundry it is just sometimes I get into a funk and I don't want to do anything.  I hate getting into a funk it drives me crazy.  I have the app Tik Tok on my phone and I can go live on there and make videos and for me it is fun and gives me a chance to make friends in different states and different countries.  I get to act silly, lip sync and sing in videos so yeah for me it is fun.  Also knowing that there are people who want to show up and talk and enjoy coffee together help me to keep going also.  I am absolutely in love with the wreath that I made for Easter and I am so excited and can't wait to make the mother's day wreath.  I am going to make a wreath for every single holiday.  I am so glad to be able to be in a place where I can decorate and do whatever I want to the house and no body cares.  I also can't wait until the last frost so that way I can plant my flowers and garden.  I am then going to can what I grow.  Also we are getting chickens and rabbits.  There is a guy at my hubby's work that is saying that he is going to give us a real turkey to raise for thanksgiving.  I feel that I am overrun with things that I want to do and things that I want to do and things I need to do.  Like for instance I feel that tik tok is something that helps me feel not so alone and that helps with the depression.  I have a little routine that I have going on.  I get up fix coffee, wake up kids, fix lunches, fix breakfast, get hubby and son off to work, get other 2 kids off to school and then I eat breakfast and get ready for my live on tik tok.  During the day I have different things to do and I have a to do list because I can't always remember what I am doing unless I right it down.  Like the nurse at my kids doctor said we suffer from sometimers.  Well got to close for now and clip Harley's nails and fix dinner.  Come join me for my lives 7:30 am Central Time Monday-Friday on tik tok app. at collegmom1973.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

I hate being sick

So yesterday I woke up with a slight sore throat, cough and headache.  I was going to go to the ER yesterday while my hubby was at work but, I really didn't want to go by myself, so when my hubby got home from work he was going to take me but, he was acting like a jerk so I decided I didn't want to go.  So this morning I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday.  So my hubby is going to take me to the ER after work today.  I would go to the urgent treatment center but we really don't have the gas to drive 15 minutes away.  Also I would go to my doctor but, they are an hour away because I have not found one her yet.  I placed my application to be able to go to the same doctor's office as my kids but, they won't see me because of one of my medicines they don't prescribe and they won't refer  me out to someone who does.  I am not really happy about this because I do need to see a rumatolagist or pain management because I need someone how can treat my fybromyalgia.  Because I am sick I had to reschedule my dental surgery.  They won't do it while I am having any sickness that affects my breathing.  So now I can't do it for 3 more weeks.  Both kids are going to have to have their tonsils removed so we are hoping that they can do them on the same day.  I tell you what these fur babies of our are so absolutely spoilled rotten.  Everyday when I am writing this blog, watching TV, or posting on Tik Tok they have to lay on my legs but, I have to watch Harley because he thinks it is funny to pull the blanket off my feet.  Whenever I say anything to him he will look around like he doesn't know what you are talking about.  Okay people call me weird, especially my family because I like to watch Dr. Pimple Popper and Toe Bro.  I also like to watch Untold Stories of the ER.  I am not really sure but things like that just fascinate me.  My brother-in-law is so excited because the Governor signed into law that in the state of Kentucky you no longer have to have a concealed weapons permit.  Meaning that if you are legally allowed to own a gun then you are legally allowed to carry your gun however you choose to carry it.  I don't really care one way or the other about this law.  I mean I do believe that if you are legally allowed to own the gun then it should be your choice how you want to carry it.  Now me personally I am going to carry my 380 in a pouch in my purse because I am out during the week by myself and in this day and age it is important for a woman to be able to defend herself.  Yesterday I saw on the news that a 7 year old little girl was almost kidnapped out of her front yard and the only thing that saved her was that some of the neighborhood kids started yelling and alerted the dad and he came rushing out and held the man there until the police showed up and arrested the kidnapper.  That is exactly why I have never let my kids out of my sight because even in a small town you are not safe.  People are so sick in the head nowadays and they don't care the age or who they hurt for their sick pleasures.  Let me go on the record, I am by no means blaming the parents of the little girl because I can see how the parents felt that she was okay playing in the front yard and apparently the dad wasn't far away because he was able to hear the neighborhood kids yelling and he was able to catch and stop the kidnapper.  To many times people don't get the whole story and they want to jump on a bandwagon and bash the parents of the kids that get hurt and or kidnapped.  No one is a perfect parent and if we would spend more time lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down the world would be a better place.  Well I am going to have to close for now because I need to put together my Easter wreath.  I am making wreaths for every holiday and season.  I love making wreaths.  It is really easier than what people think it is and it is really not that expensive.  I can make a wreath for less than $15 which is a whole lot cheaper than buying them and I can personalize it anyway I want.  I have my fingers crossed that next month I am getting 5 ear piercings done and at least 1 tattoo if not 2.  Yes they are an addiction yes they can be painful but oh they are so satisfying.  Well anyway goodbye for now.  Peace and Love to all my family and friends.

OCD and other stuff that sucks

 Having a form of OCD really does suck because it is the weirdest things that will bother you.  For me I do have my quirky little things that bugs me like for instance cabinet door.  I cannot stand to have the cabinet doors left open.  Or drawers left open.  Also the chairs need to be pushed in and I have a certain place that the trash can goes and all the mops and brooms.  I have certain things put in certain places and placed a certain way and when someone doesn't place them back the way that I had them it really makes me a nervous wreck.  Seeing people with a pimple, blackhead or hairs that need plucked.  I don't know, I am definitely not a perfectionist because things are not perfect about me or my house but, growing up my Mom would say, "there's a place for everything and you need to put everything in it's place".  Growing up hearing this so much just kind of got me used to putting things back where they go instead of just sitting them anywhere and then when you go back later on not knowing or remembering where you put them.  My husband does not subscribe to my philosophy by any means.  I have been working on him for 20 years and I have not been able to get it into his head that if he puts things in one place and then he would know where it was when he went back to find them.  In some aspects he is slowly changing little by little.  For instance he will put his car key in the same spot every time now.  For me that is a big change for him because he was really bad about losing his keys and then he would have everyone in the whole house searching for where he willy nilly just tossed them.  This has been a great feat for me to get him this far because it has absolutely drove me up wall because I was so tired of looking for his keys all the time.  OK other things that get on my nerves, there are days when I really don't even feel like doing anything but curling up on the couch or in my bed and watching TV all day or even sleeping.  But today is another one of those days that this is not going to happen.  Yesterday I had to take the hubby and son to work because I had to have our lawn mower to the shop to be serviced for this years mowing season.  Today my daughter wakes up sick so I have to take her to the doctor and take myself somewhere to get checked because I am starting to develop bronchitis.  My son had strep throat on Thursday and I really think I caught something from him and I think my daughter might have caught something too.  Well I am going to have to cut this short today because of having to do 50 million things today.  I finished watching Prison Break last night because they showed their finale episode.  I am heart broke because that was an awesome show.  I am watching the Voice right now I absolutely love that show to.  Well time to close for now so wish me luck for the day.  Peace and Love to all my family and friends.

Sick kids and attitudes suck

So at the beginning of the week my husband was off work for 2 days due to a sprained wrist.  Then yesterday my older son got sent to the ER from work due to a severe case of bronchitis. Now this morning my other son wakes up blowing out green stuff from his nose, nausea and slight vomiting and running a low grade temp.  Now last week he and his sister had a virus and missed 3 days of school so I wasn't sure about keeping him home because I really don't want his grades to suffer so I did send him to school but, I just spoke to the nurse and she feels like he needs to come home and go see his pediatrician today.  I am okay with that I just didn't want him to miss unless the school nurse felt it was necessary.  The reason I don't really like that is because I feel like it is taking to much control away from me as a mother because I should be able to make the decision of when I feel my child is too sick to go to school. I fully understand why the schools are now like this because too many kids hate going to school and the parents don't really feel like fighting with the kids so they let them stay home.  I really do feel their pain because I am currently going through this with our daughter.  She is too smart for her own good but, she acts so (pardon the expression) dumb. 

I haven't posted for a few days and I am sorry but, my son was placed in the hospital on Thursday due to the fact that his tonsils were so infected that they had almost closed his throat up.  They immediately set him to the hospital and admitted him.  He said on IV antibiotics and fluids.  They started him on a liquid diet and then on Friday they gave him soft foods and then on Saturday they put him on a regular diet but, told him to stay away from hard foods.  He has to take an antibiotic in pill form for 10 days.  He goes back to the ENT next Monday and they are going to schedule him to have his tonsils taken out on an outpatient basis.  Also I was able to get my daughter an appointment with the ENT for next month.  She will possibly have to have her tonsils also removed.  I am hoping that they can do it at the same time that way we can just get it over with.

My daughters phone quit working, it was stuck on boot loop so now she doesn't have a phone which right now I am glad because she was making some bad choices online and we just don't condone that kind of behavior in the house.  I am so disappointed and stressed because of the way that she is currently acting.  I called the school and they are going to get her into see a counselor asap.  I hate being on this roller coaster with another child yet again.  I am getting way to old for this and I can't do this again.

We also got a call from my mother-in-law and she said that our niece had hit my father-in-law and knocked him out of his wheelchair.  I am so angry at her right now I could spit.  Well also the other day the baby who isn't even a year old fell down a flight of steps and hit the bottom.  She didn't even take her to the doctor or ER to have her checked out.  Finally one of my brother-in-laws went over and told her that if she wasn't going to pay rent or start spending her money on food and things for the babies that she needed to leave.  Well she said no so the cops were called and they made her leave and told her not to come back or she would be arrested.  Well she took the kids next door and dumped them on them.  Well they called me and let me know what was going on because we had the kids for almost 5 months of their lives and they were happy and in a stable home.  Well she decided that she didn't like the fact that she had to pay child support.  It is so crazy, she says that she loves her kids but, yet the things that she is doing are not proving that she loves them and wants what is best for them.  She has bounced those poor babies from house to house because she is homeless and she will sleep at whatever friend will take them in and then she sleeps on the floor with the babies.  She also feeds them nothing but chips and cereal.  Those babies need real food not junk food. Also when we got them they didn't have their shots so we took them to the doctor and got them their shots well she took them away from us we told her about it and she took them to the doctor and had their shots done again.  That is so dangerous.  She is so stupid she just doesn't care.

And one more thing before I close and go talk lunch to my older son and hubby.  I think the guy upstairs is just about the noisiest person.  He sounds like he is wearing the heaviest boots possible and he clomps back and forth through his apartment at all hours during the day and sometimes in the evening.  He also has the loudest washing machine and when he uses it it sounds like it is going to come through my ceiling.  He talked to my husband and said that he doesn't plan on being her long and boy do I hope that he isn't.  I pray either the apartment upstairs stays empty or we get really quiet and private neighbors.  Well I am going to have to close for now.  I will be back tomorrow if all goes well.  Peace and Love to my family and friends.

CBD oils for pain and other things

Some people think that I am weird or strange because I would rather you something that is all natural and comes from the earth to heal and help any condition.  I feel as though the pharmaceutical companies are all about the money that they can make and they really are not concerned that they are just trying to pump us full of chemicals because when this happens they just give us another pill for that condition.  I am getting to a point that I am tired of pumping my body full of pills and it is only masking the problem for a time and not really helping.  In 2010 I weighed almost 400 pounds and my doctors were always on my back about losing weight but, no matter what I was doing nothing was helping me to lose weight.  So my doctor sent me to a nutritionist for 6 months and I was extremely faithful to the program and I had to keep a food diary and I wrote down every single thing that I ate and drank in my diary.  I mean if I ate one bite of anything or drank one drink of anything it was written down. At the end of 6 months I was lucky if I lost even 20 pounds.  I was also in a Gastric Bypass program with the Georgetown Ky hospital and going through all the steps to be able to have Gastric Bypass surgery.  At the end of 6 months my Bariattric doctor called and said that I had passed all the medical and mental process and nutritional process and he was ready to schedule my surgery.  I was so extremely pleased because I was told that all of the health issues that I was having would more than likely go away.  At the time I was only like 25 different medications and I was having to set reminders because a lot of them were 3-4 times a day.  After surgery I had dropped down to 212 but now I am back up to 250, now I know that is still a good weight but, I want to weight under 200. I don't care if it is 199, I don't have a real reason I just have that desire.  Well after surgery I did lose some illnesses like diabetes and I did lose some medicines.  Now I am on like 18 medicines and have a slew of illnesses.  I am really not happy with it at all so I am debating on trying CBD oils because I have talked to several credible people that have either tried or are using CBD oils or they have done extensive research on CBD oil.  I am going on Thursday to check the prices of a CBD oil store here locally and depending on the prices I am going to try it out and I will definitely let y'all know how it works for me.  My husband is also thinking of trying it also but I think he wants to see how I react to it.  Oh and believe me I will tell my doctor what I am doing because I have gotten to a point where I really don't care if my doctor agrees or disagrees with anything that I am doing if I feel that it is something that is important or beneficial to my health.  I have extreme pain in my knees due to arthritis, bone spurs and the cushion being wore almost gone.  My doctor says that I am still young at 45 and he really doesn't want me to have 2 complete knee replacements right now because even they don't last forever.  So in the mean time they give me cortisone injections in both knees every 4-6 months.  Last year they tried cortisone shots were wearing off way to soon so they tried a gel cushion injection in both knees that was really uncomfortable and it helped for about 10 months and they we were back to square one.  Last night my husband finally talked me into going to the ER because I have been gritting my teeth and just bearing the pain.  The meds that my doctor has me on do absolutely nothing to ease any of my pain and then also dealing with Fybromyalgia it just seams to be a never ending pain in everywhere.  Well the doctor at the ER was really nice, he gave me a cortisone injection in both knees and a pain shot in my hip and waited 20 minutes and sent me home.  I can't lie the pain shot did help take all my pain away and I have minimum pain right now and the cortisone will help for about 4 months.  So I am going to try out the CBD oils because I can no longer live with this pain and I have to many things that I want to do.  I want to lose this 51 pounds and I can't do that without some exercise program which I actually have here at home.  I also am going to be growing a garden this year and canning what we grow and I am so excited and I can't wait.  I really love doing things like this.  I also cannot wait until the boys move into the basement because then I get my craft room and I am going to decorate and paint it and it is going to be awesome I am excited.  I love taking rooms and remodeling them and making them look amazing.  When we first stepped into this house I looked beyond the smell and trash and I saw so much potential in the house that I was like oh yes I want it.  Now my husband on the other hand he was like nope "hell no".  If has a problem looking at what something could be.  It is so funny how we are complete opposites like that, but then after I have done what I want to do with a room with his help of course he will sit back and look at the before and after pictures and be like "wow this is amazing I can't believe how good it looks now".  I am now in the process of editing pictures to have printed out and put in frames so I can hang them on our family tree wall.  I also like taking pictures and editing them.  I have a thing about taking something and making it look so much better.  Well I have to go for now, I have laundry washing and clothes to fold, I have steak laid out for dinner, and a few dishes to wash up and I have a few little projects I want to get done.  Well I am hopping off of here and I want to wish Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

Carry Conceal Now No Permit Needed

Well well well we now have a new law passed here in Kentucky that will be going into effect in July of this year, it is that if you are legally allowed to posses a handgun and you are 21 or older you can now carry a handgun concealed without having to purchase a concealed weapons permit or take the few hours class on gun safety.  I personally feel that this is a good law because you don't have to take a gun safety class before you purchase the handgun so why should you have to pay the state to take a class to be able to carry a gun in which you were already cleared to own.  Criminals are already carrying concealed handguns and they are not legally even allowed to own a handgun so why should I as a law abiding citizen have to pay to carry my handgun concealed.  When you purchase a handgun they have to call and see if you are legally allowed to even own a handgun before they will even allow you to take the handgun home so right there tells the state who all has handguns.  Some people are against this new law because they believe that it will increase handgun violence but, I really don't see that happening because most law abiding citizens have currently been able to carry their handguns just as long as they are visible.  The only difference now is that you don't know who is carrying a handgun and who isn't.  Another tidbit of news that is another law coming up that the governor of Kentucky will be signing is that people who have chronic pain will be able to legally use marijuana for the pain instead of having to pump their bodies full of poisons that are in the pills that they prescribe for them to take.  I am fully sure that pharmaceutical companies are not really thrilled with this law but, I feel that it is a safer because it is a plant that grows from the earth and not something that has been manufactured in a lab using God only knows what chemicals.  I believe that God put all medicines that we need on this earth and if we just learn about them then we can use them instead of the junk that we commonly use and then I believe that people would be a lot healthier and live longer like they once used to.  I know call me crazy but, really I don't care what people think of me because I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions.  On another note, on Sunday my husband slipped and fell in our bathroom because someone had spilled body wash in the middle of the floor.  Oh course when everyone was asked about it no one apparently did it so yeah just great we have once again been attacked by Mr. Nobody.  Well anyway after a quick trip to the emergency room and after having an e-ray the doctor determined that he had just a bad sprain and put him in a removable splint and gave him 2 days off from work.  He did not want to be off from work and so on Monday he went into work and they of course sent him home and told him to come back on Wednesday.  Most people would be oh that is awesome you get to spend 2 extra days at home with your husband.  Okay this would be a good thing if my husband was the time of person that could just sit down and relax like he does on the weekends but, oh no that is so not my husband.  On days that he is actually supposed to be working and he can't it drives him crazy and in turn he rides my very last nerve.  Now don't get me wrong I fully love spending time with my husband and he loves spending time with me  but, he has (I'm not sure what you would call it) this thing that when he is supposed to be working he has to be active and doing something.  Now me on the other hand I have different little projects at home that I am slowly getting done.  I do them slowly  because if I over-exert myself I will end up in total pain and needing to spend a few days in bed trying to recuperate.  I do not want to do that so whenever possible I try to take my time.  For instance yesterday I was able to finish the painting of the family tree on the wall in my living room, now all I have to do is to go through pictures and place them in frames and then decide where on the tree I want to hang them.  I was going to do this yesterday but, my husband had other plans.  He decided that he wanted to go buy a riding mower and I had to accompany him on this little quest which took about 3 hours at least and by the time we got home I sat down and folded 3 loads of laundry, ate take out pizza and watched a little television before going to sleep so that way I could wake up this morning a start all over.  My mornings are usually fairly routine, they consist of me getting up, go to the bathroom, wake up the kids for school and the guys for work, fix coffee, fix lunches, pour coffee, take meds, get kids off to school and then the guys off to work and then I sit down and enjoy my coffee while writing my blog.  After my blog I check emails and social media then I begin my housework.  Well today with my husband being home he has other plans, he has decided that bright and early we need to take a trip to Walmart which is about a 15 minute drive from our house.  So I have told him that as soon as I get dressed I will get myself and Bastian ready to go.  Yes I have to get my little fur baby dressed to go because for one it is cold outside and for two you don't go to town naked do you, at least I hope not.  So with that being said I am going to close this for now.  Wish me luck to survive this day.  Peace and Love my friends and family.