Life

 I can't believe how life has been so unbelievably hard. I feel some days like I am drowning. I don't want to be an adult anymore. Bills piling up and no end in sight. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't give up because I have kids counting on me. I have no one to turn to. No one's shoulder to cry on. Writing used to make me feel better but it seems like nothing helps these days. Being the strong one is not easy. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would be single and starting over at my age. Some days I feel angry because he died. I know it wasn't his fault but I can't help the way I feel. Every day just drags by and it feels like this is never going to end. I just want to be happy again. 

Depression feels like an endless rollercoaster ride

 Many people suffer from depression in the world today and it is more talked about now than what it used to be when I was younger. When I was in my 20's I literally thought that I was losing my mind. I tried so hard to be the perfect daughter, wife, and mother and I was battling this thing that was in my head that was driving me nuts. I was raised in the church and the church I was raised in taught that everything bad was the devil and if you prayed enough then you wouldn't have to have medicine. Also, if you were going through anything then it was because you had done something wrong and you should beg for forgiveness and pray through it. So here I was a young wife and mother dealing with all of this pressure and I had no idea that it was not just me. Then when I left the church and got divorced (due to his cheating) I was labeled the bad one because if my faith would have been strong enough then I would not have been the failure. I ended up meeting and marrying a really good man and he encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. It was the strangest thing to talk to someone and for them to tell me that I was not alone and that it is a real medical condition and that I was not alone. The biggest weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt normal for the first time in a long time. I am not going to say that the pills were a miracle cure because it took more than just that because I had to go through counseling due to the extreme brainwashing that I had gone through. I am now in my late 40's and yes there are times when I still go through cycles of depression but, it is nothing like it was in the past and I know what steps to take and I don't feel alone anymore. I am writing all of this because I just felt like there might be someone out there that might need to hear this. You are not alone and it is not you. Here recently I have been really going through some ups and downs because we are living in Kentucky and I really hate it here and I desperately want to move home to Florida. Even my doctors have suggested that moving home would be the best thing for us. Kentucky is ok for some people but for us, it is just filled with drama and stress and when we lived in Florida we were so relaxed and less stressed. I know that no place is perfect but, when you are somewhere that you feel at home then life does feel so much better both mentally and physically. It is so hard to describe and put into words how good it felt when we lived in Florida and now I just feel like a weight is around my neck and I can't breathe. We have been saving to try to move and we had money saved and the motor went out on our car so we had to use the money to get another car. Then the car we got the transmission messed up and we had to trade it in on another car. So, now we have reliable transportation but, it feels like we are back at square one. We have looked online and we have found plenty of places to live it is just now coming up with the money all over again. It feels sometimes like we are fighting a losing battle. Even the kids hate it here and want to go home. I hate that it feels like I let them down by moving to Kentucky in the first place 7 years ago. We thought things would feel and be different but, we were way off and now we are paying the price. These are the mind battles that I am dealing with and I am praying that all of it will come to an end soon and we will get the money to go home soon.

When your car goes Kerplunk!!

 Well in February we started making payments on a really cute little car. My husband told them while it was under warranty that something was wrong with the motor but, they wouldn't listen to him and they waited around until after the warranty ran out to finally say that oh yeah there is something wrong with the motor but, sorry about your luck the warranty is out and now you have to pay for another motor to be put in it. Now they want us to give them $1500 now and $600 plus our car payment of $400 a month to put in a used motor. We told them straight up no because we don't think they are doing us right and we are turning in the car this Friday to them. We decided if that is how they treat their customers then we no longer want to do business with them. So, we went somewhere else and got an SUV. I know it sounds crazy to some people because we had been paying on the other car to turn it in but, there is no guarantee that a used motor is going to not have problems and then we are going to be out even more money and we don't have $1000 a month plus $1500 down to give them to fix the car with a used motor anyway. This now brings us to our second problem, now we have to add back to our savings for our move because we had to dip into it to be able to get the SUV. Without getting another vehicle though my husband wouldn't be able to work and we wouldn't be able to move anyway so we had to do it. We just have to wait a couple of weeks longer than we wanted unless a miracle happens and someone actually donates to our GoFundMe page, which I doubt will ever happen because things like that never happen for us. We have been so stressed out for the past week over all of this it has made us physically ill. We are trying so hard to make a better life for our kids and ourselves and it is like everything is against us. It seems like every time we try to do something good for ourselves everything goes wrong. I see nothing wrong with trying to better ourselves. My husband stays stressed because he feels like he is letting us down because he is trying so hard to work for the money and everything that can go wrong does. I try to tell him that he is doing his best and not to stress but, he says that is easier said than done. I don't know what more I can do. I keep calling the Appeals council and they keep telling me that my case is still pending but it has been expedited and this is the same response I have been getting for 2 years now. They told me I should have an answer in 11 months but, it has been 24 months. I know people who get approved within 4-5 months but, I have been fighting since 2014. This is so not fair. If I could physically work I would but, I can't and I have doctor's statements to back me up and I don't understand how people are getting theirs so quickly while I am made to sit and wait for 7 years. I called the 1-800 number and they are going to see if they can find out why it is taking so long. I am supposed to call them back on the 26th. Hopefully, they can get some good answers because it is like they are just putting my case on a shelf somewhere and forgetting about me. I know the money isn't much but, it would at least help a little and I would at least feel better. Right now I feel like a burden because I can't work and I don't have an income and my husband has to do it all by himself. He tells me that I am not a burden and that as my husband it is his place to take care of me but, still I would feel better if I was contributing something even if it is a little check every month. Every little bit does help. I am sorry if I sound like I am complaining because I don't mean to, it is just if I don't get my feelings out somewhere and I keep them bottled up I will keep on being depressed. I always feel better after I have gotten my feeling out. I am doing the steps that my therapist has suggested so that way I don't keep my feelings buried and then I explode. For instance, I was upset about the older kids not wanting to have anything to do with us after moving out. Well after talking to my therapist and psychiatrist and some friends I am now feeling okay about it and I don't have my feeling about it buried anymore. I have one last thing to do and I found a way to contact Cody to find out why he decided to cut ties out of the blue. Well, I finally got ahold of his new wife and I asked her to give the message to Cody since he wouldn't message me back. Well, she messaged me back with a really nasty message full of lies that Cody had told her, and then she blocked me. So at least now I have closed with that. So at least now I know who my "family" really is right now and that is the ones who live in our house. They are the only ones that I can really count on to be there when I really need them. Like for instance a few months ago I fell and broke my finger and a few ribs and the "family" in my house were the only ones that were there for me to help me when I needed it. They are the ones that are there on holidays and any other days. I do have 1 daughter who lives on her own who is struggling right now and she has her ups and downs. She does call on holidays though. So I do still claim her. But. the other I don't because if I am not worth a free phone call at least on the holidays then I refuse to claim you. 

I really hate going to hospitals to visit

 So my father-in-law is in the hospital again and we are going to see him today. Both my husband and I hate hospitals. His mom hasn't even gone to see him and it's her husband but, yet she wants to get mad at everyone else and through a guilt trip on everyone if they don't go. To me, it doesn't make any sense. I feel like she is just a control freak and she wants everything her way. She is going around telling everyone that he is on his death bed and that the doctors are going to cut off his legs but, yet when we called the hospital and talked to his nurse they told us a whole different story. Yes, his legs are infected but, they have him on antibiotics and they are going to go in and try to drain the fluid off of his legs but, the doctors do not want to cut off his legs and no he is not on his death bed. She likes to exaggerate everything because I believe she lives for the drama. I on the other hand hate drama and I like to avoid it at all costs. I have the bubble that I live in and I like for others if they are about drama to stay out of my bubble. I don't always get what I want but, it is nice to have that setup. This is why we are so stressed out all of the time living in this stupid state. That is why we cannot wait to move and get away from all of this needless drama and all of the stress that it is putting in our lives. My health cannot take all of this senseless and needless daily-filled drama that she and others want to put into our lives. It is so crazy and I have had enough. There are times when I just want to either scream or cry and sometimes both. In about a week and a half we are going to drive down and look at some places for rent and see what we can find and hopefully find a place so that way two weeks after that we can move. Everything is moving so fast I can't wait to get this over with and finally be back home where we belong. We both know that we made a huge mistake coming back to Kentucky in the first place but, at the time we thought we were doing the right thing. I guess that is why they say that hindsight is 20/20. This blog is going to be short because I have a lot to do this morning but, I just wanted to fill you in on what is happening today just in case anyone cares. I know sometimes I some pitiful and I really don't mean to it is just I don't feel like we have anyone that really does care because we truly do feel alone in the world because no one calls just to check on us and see how we are doing. The only reason anyone calls is if they want something. For us that is exhausting. Life really should not be that way. I can remember when I was little and my mom's family would all get together for the holidays and they would have so much fun. I miss that. Family is not what it should be anymore and for me, that is a very sad thing.

Why is everything a debate

 Why is it nowadays that with teenagers everything is a debate? You can't just simply say clean your room and they do it. No, they want to debate or reason as to why they need to do things on their terms or their time or their way. When I was a kid we did things when our parents told us to. We didn't tell them to wait a minute or what we thought our opinion of the matter really was we just shut up and did as we were told unless we were asked for our opinion and then we were respectful when we gave it. I don't understand where I messed up with these last 2 kids. I really don't because I have racked my brain trying my best to think what I did to deserve such disrespect from them and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I have done wrong. I did my best or at least I thought I did my best raising them the right way and I have always shown them the respect that they deserve and even when they have been disrespectful I have still given them respect. So why is it that they feel like they have the right to disrespect me by arguing with me whenever I ask or tell them to do something? Their chores are really not that difficult and do not take that long and they spend more time trying to argue and find ways not to do them than if they would just pitch in and help get the job done in the first place. I mean really all the one has to do is keep their own room clean and feed and water the car and scoop the cat litter and the other one has to clean their room and take out the trash and mop the hallway. What is so hard about that? Also, we ask them to do little things to help us like take out the trash or pick up things around the house to keep it clean but, then you would think that we are asking for the end of the world. When I was growing up I was an only child so all the chores fell on me and my parents both worked full-time so I made sure that the house stayed clean so they didn't have to come home to a dirty house. Not these two. If we clean the house and leave for a few hours and come home and ask them to keep an eye on the dogs while we are gone so they don't mess up the house they want and we will come home to not only the dogs messing the house up but, there are a lot of the times they have messed the house up too and they wonder why we get upset with them. It isn't like they are little anymore they are both teenagers and both are capable of cleaning up after themselves but, you wouldn't know it by the looks of their rooms or our house before we clean the house. But, I refuse to clean grown kid's rooms. I will not do it. I don't care how messy it gets because I am not able to clean it. Let me rephrase that I do care how messy it gets it is just that I will not clean it because if I do then they will just mess it back up anyway. My husband works and then comes home and helps clean the house because I can't really do a whole lot because of my health and then our older son on his days off helps clean. I am just so frustrated by the lack of disrespect that I receive I don't understand and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to explode and when I do then I am going to be the bad guy because I am going to be the one who is being mean for no reason because they just don't see what they are doing is wrong. It is really not fair. Also, you would think that they would stop and realize that we have bent over backward to give them a home when we didn't have to. We love them as our own, we always have and we always will. I just wish they would get that understanding about them. I just wish that would start respecting us. They don't seem to backtalk my husband as much as they backtalk me. Why is it that I am the one that gets used as a doormat? Shew, even the dogs listen better to my husband than they do me. My husband says that I am too soft on them and that I have to make them do it but, how do I make them do something that they don't want to do? I ask them to do it and they don't. I tell them to do it and they don't. I yell at them and they don't listen. I can't physically make them get up and do something that they don't want to do because they are as big as I am so, basically, if they don't want to do something realistically what am I supposed to do? I cannot say that every day is a bad day because it isn't. Some days are good but, here lately the good days are getting few and far between. Having teenagers should not feel like a jail sentence and there are days for me when it does and that is not fair. They say when you do the crime you do the time but, the sad part is I didn't do the crime so why am I being punished. Kids scream today Life isn't fair, well I say yeah your right life isn't fair so get over it and quit complaining. If life was fair I wouldn't be in pain every day of my life at age 47. If life was fair my kids would love and respect me. If life was fair I would live in Florida right now and would probably be on the beach. So don't talk to me about life being unfair because I am the wrong one. Then we have a kid who thinks we must be an ATM and are made of money because it is always asking for something. I just want to scream you are an adult grow up and quit running to mom and dad to fix your life. I can't even fix mine. My life sucks too, join the crowd. Quit crying, why did I move back to Kentucky because I say that every day. Quit saying, this family sucks because no one is ever there for anyone because I already know that. My in-laws put the dys in dysfunction. I will leave you will that little tidbit right there. That is my rant for the day. Thank you for reading about my screwed-up life hope it helps you feel better about yours. 

Wondering when my time comes

 Yes, I know I am weird. I watch a lot of YouTube videos. Lately, I have been watching Steve will do it and the Nelk boys and they help a lot of strangers. They give away cars, jewelry, money, houses, and just help deserving people, and don't get me wrong I think that is wonderful. I love seeing people receive gifts and being made happy because it warms my heart and believe me I am in no way hating on no one. I just get a little sad sometimes because I wonder why no one ever sees the struggle that my husband and I go through. Together we have raised 10 children. Let me explain; He got married to his first wife and during the marriage, she had 2 kids that were not his and 2 that were. Then after the divorce, he had a child that we raised. Oh and by the way the 2 kids that she had that were not his she didn't want so we took them in and raised them as our own with no help from her ever. And the child he had by the other woman we raised with no help from that woman either. Then by my first marriage, I had 3 kids and there was no support there either. And now we have had our 2 grandkids since birth and with no support there either so that is 10 kids being raised all on my husband and I. Do we regret it? No by no means ever. The only thing that saddens us now is that out of all 10 kids only 3 are loyal to us and a couple may call every now and then if they feel like it. It really hurts that we gave them the best that we could in life and they have now turned their backs on us. Then I see all these people doing Go Fund Me pages and receiving help from everyone and yet there we go again us nothing. I guess I do sound bitter and I am sorry because I really don't mean to sound that way I am just trying to get my feelings out and let you know how I feel so please forgive me. I am the type of person who loves to see other people succeed in life, I really do. I don't like to see people doing bad or hurting in any way. I am just having a hard time right now with my emotions because we are wanting to move so very badly to Florida because I have spoken to my doctors and because of the health conditions that I am having they have suggested that the weather in Florida would be best for me and also for my husband. We used to live in Florida and while we lived there I was doing so much better than I am now but, the reason that we moved back to Kentucky is because of my husband's family. They all live here in Kentucky and we moved here to help out with his parents but, right now we feel that my health is what is important, and moving would be the best thing for us to do. Also, with school starting in August we wanted to move the 1st of the month so the kids wouldn't have to start school here and then have to move in the middle of the school year. Now we just don't know what is going to happen because finding a place is harder than you might think. People don't rent out their own houses anymore, they use agencies and the agencies run credit checks and charge fees per person. The background check is no big deal because we both have clean backgrounds. Our credit is both above 500 but less than 600 so with that they want a deposit of twice the rent to be able to move in which is so crazy. I mean we have a good rental history, good job history, excellent background, shouldn't that count for something? Oh, no they want everything handed to them on a silver platter with a fee of $50 per adult just to let you know if you qualify and if you don't then you don't get your fee back. I don't know about you but, I just don't have $100 to give away to people just to be told sorry your credit isn't good enough to rent my house. You would think that they are trying to rent you a mansion the way they are acting but, some of the houses are really not even all that nice. I mean some are nice but, some are not. I have looked online at so many houses over the last week that my head is just spinning thinking about it. I have seen some really pretty houses and I have seen some really crappy houses. I have seen them asking stupid prices for houses that I wouldn't want my service dog living in. I don't understand how they price houses. To me, it's like they have a board with prices and a board with houses and they just throw darts at both and that's how they pick. To me, it makes no sense. Well, I guess I am going to stop writing for now and quit thinking about when my day will come when someone will finally see that we too are a deserving family that has paid our dues. My husband has hustled and busted his butt to raise these kids and give them the best that he could. He has gone without so that they wouldn't have to. He deserves the best I just wish I could give it to him. I feel bad for him because I have seen him go around with holes in his shoes because he used the money to make sure all the kids had new shoes for school. He has worn used clothes so the kids could have new clothes for school. He has even eaten a peanut butter sandwich for dinner and told the kids he wasn't hungry so they would have enough. He may not be perfect but he is mine and I thank God for him every day and I love him. He has a kind heart and helps others whenever he can without any recognition. He is the definition of a true man and father. 

Am I Just Weird

 Is it just me or am I just weird. I remember when when I was young that when your parents told you to do something you just did it no questions asked. Well now it's like when the kids were a little I would tell him to do something they would do it. Now that they're older I told him to do something and they straight up tell me no. I don't know what to do anymore I'm so confused. It's not like I can pick him up and spank their butt because there is big as I am. If I go in to try to take their phone or electronics away from them they really want to Buck up against me and tell me no I can't do it. It's not like I can fight with them because like I said there's big as I am so I'm at a point where I'm really confused and don't know what to do. Where and when did all of this become a problem where and when did I go wrong. How and what do I do? What do I do I'm so confused and I just weird or is it just today society and today's kids. Are we now living in a generation where kids just do what they want to do and the society that we live in and the government backs them up and tells them they don't have to listen to their parents they don't have to do with their parents tell them to do because if their parents try to boss them around and try to make them do what they're supposed to do that all they have to do is pick up the phone and call DSS and then they will back them up. If you make them do what they're supposed to do and try to take the things away from them all they have to do is pick up the phone and make one phone call and it's neglect or abuse. Where did we go wrong in society or all we have is a bunch of crybaby snowflakes. I can no longer take this I can no longer live this way something has got to be done where did we go wrong in a society like this.

People ride my nerves

 I feel I used to be more of a people person than I am now because people are starting to ride my last nerve. For instance, yesterday we invited some people over to a cookout that we are having today and all they could say was dumb things like, who is going to be there, what are you having, and why can't you have it at the park? Well for one, we will be here, we are having food, and because we want to have it at our house. I mean we are the ones providing all the food and drinks and inviting people over what is the big issue with all the questions? Either you want to come or you don't it is no big deal but, when someone invites you to their place for an event and they are supplying everything then you don't get to make any decisions on how their party is planned. I am so beyond ready to move out of this state because we have so many people that we know here but, no one really wants to spend time with us and that is really sad. We are surrounded by family but, no one here acts like a true family should act. I don't understand it because when I was growing up our family used to get together all of the time especially on holidays and just have fun. We have 10 kids and no one wants to get together and do anything and everyone acts like a bunch of strangers. I am completely fed up with the whole nine yards. I just want to have some friends that we can hang with and get together with and play cards and go out with and just have a good time with. I don't think that is too much to ask. It is not like we want people to be joined at the hip with us because we know that people also have their own lives to live because we do too. But, holidays and times like this are when you are supposed to have people around to have fun with. This is exactly why I say that people are riding on my last nerve right now. For the past two weekends, my husband and I have gone out by ourselves because we didn't have anyone to go out with us. We saw F9 last weekend and The Forever Purge this weekend. Both movies were really good and we did enjoy ourselves but, it would have been nice to have gone with friends too. It feels like we live in a lonely boat surrounded by all of these people but, none of them speak our language. It is a very strange feeling and I don't much like it. These next 34 days will hopefully go by pretty quickly because I plan on keeping myself busy with moving plans, boxing up the house, working on my blog, and working on my YouTube channel. I guess the thing that really disappointed me the most about this cookout was that it is our last one here before we move and no one wants to come. Also, it isn't like the people that we invited have other plans it is just that they dipped out at the last minute. Well, that is okay because we are going to make the best of it and we are going to enjoy ourselves anyway with just us five. When it comes down to it in the end you really find out where your loyalty lies at the end of the day and that is with the ones in our house. I just hope that when they are grown and move out that their loyalty stays with us and they don't change as the others did. For me, that would be so disappointing. I really don't like how I have become with people honestly. I used to be such a people person. I loved meeting new people and talking to others but, now I am very guarded and I am always just waiting for them to hurt me in some way. I have become in a way bitter toward people and I don't really know how to make myself learn how to trust some people while not allowing myself to be completely destroyed in the process all over again. It seems that every time I get close to someone they just want to use me and then fling me away like a used toy that is of no use to them anymore. Once my usefulness has run out then our friendship somehow ends. I raised my husband's kids and once raised I am no longer needed as a mother so they have turned their backs on me, his parents use me for what I can do for them, and when I am not doing for them then they don't want or need me around, even two of my own kids are grown and no longer want me around and I don't know why, and on and on goes the list. After being hurt so many times you tend to build up a wall and you don't let people in that may truly want to be a friend. I don't know how to fix this and all my therapist can say is that I should write a letter to them but, what good is that going to do? If I write a letter to the people that have hurt me and tell them how I feel the only thing that will accomplish with this family is more hurt and resentment. Nothing would come of it and they would tell me to suck it up. Believe me, I know because people have told each other how they have felt before and why and their response to them was, "oh well, that's on you not me, get over it!".  I refuse to go through all of that just to be told that from people who know very well that they are clearly at fault. For me writing this blog and working on my YouTube channel is the best therapy to help me clear my head and not get overwhelmed with all the stress and worry about who likes me and who doesn't. Well, I will close on that note. Thank you for reading. Have a safe and wonderful 4th of July. 

date set and building my YouTube channel

 I am happy about a few things this morning and also nervous about a few things also. We set a date for the move to Florida. It is as of right now set for August the 6th. I am getting really excited about this because it is finally happening and we have been waiting patiently and planning for this for awhile now. It is going to be so good for us because our health has really gone downhill since we have been back in Kentucky and our doctors have told us both that this will be the best thing for us both to be back in Florida. Also, we had better doctors in Florida so that is another plus about moving back. Another thing I am happy about this morning is that I checked my YouTube channel and I am up to 40 subscribers. I know for some people that doesn't sound like a lot but, you have to start somewhere and I think that is a really good number. Now my TikTok has blown up because it is over 5000 so that is great there so if I can get my YouTube to blow up like that and this blog to grow like that too then man I will be really happy. I just like knowing that I am actually reaching people and that someone out there must be getting touched by my content or else they wouldn't be reading or watching what I have to say. I just want people to know that they are not alone and that everyone doesn't have the same normal like everyone else. I have a crazy normal but, for me it's normal. That is why I always say that normal is a setting on your dryer and not always a setting for your life. So what is your normal? Sometimes my normal is all over the place. One day I might have the energy to clean my whole room spotless and the next day I might not have the energy to get up. People have to learn that they cannot compare their lives to other people because when they do that is when they get depressed and start to feel bad about themselves. I know from experience because I have done this and I constantly have to remind myself not to do this. It is hard not to do this because it seems as a society that is what we are taught to do from an early age. I have tried as a parent not to do that to my children and I have tried to allow them to become their own person. Yes it has been a difficult task and I have not been perfect at all and yes I have failed at times as everyone does because no one is perfect no matter what. All you can do in life is try and as long as you are trying to be the best that you can be and you are not going around trying to hurt people while you are trying to be the best version of you that you can be then that is all that anyone can really expect of you. I have been fighting to get my disability started since 2014 because my health has been slowly deteriorating and I am not physically able to keep up with the demands of a job. I have documents proving this from all of my doctors and yet the disability board still wants to drag their feet on approving me. I am so beyond frustrated on how other people get approved in a matter of months with less proof than I have. I just don't understand. I have jumped through so many hoops that they have demanded of me and they still have drug this out. It has put so much stress and strain on us financially, emotionally, and mentally. I am by no means hating on the people that do get approved because I don't know their circumstances just as no one truly knows mine. They keep telling me they are behind on cases but, if that is the case then how are they approving new cases without first taking care of the cases that have already been waiting years. That is what I don't understand. I feel like the people that are waiting should be taken care of first before the new cases are even looked at but, of course, that is just my opinion. I'm sure everyone has their own opinion on the subject. I just wish they would make a decision one way or the other so I would know where I stand and that way I would know what to do next. Because if they deny me this time I have to start all over from the very beginning and that is something that I do not feel is fair. Well, I better close for now. If anyone wants to find me on YouTube just go to https://youtu.be/dUjJ-hpevLA That is one of my latest videos you can watch and then you can like and then subscribe to my channel if you would like to please. If you like my blog please keep reading and you can comment on any of them that you read and give me some ideas on things that you would like me to write about. Have a wonderful day and stay safe. 

When Your at the end of your rope

 When you are at the end of your rope and you have finally had enough of everyone's crap, it is time to put your foot down and start living for yourself and your family. Giving tough love to your kids is a hard thing to do but, sometimes it is necessary to make them wake up and become stronger people in the long run.  A person can only take so much before they finally explode. Well over the last few days my husband and I have been under an enormous amount of pressure and finally this morning it all came to a head and he let it all out. We are emotionally and mentally exhausted and we really need some rest. We are saving every dime we get so we can move back to our home in Florida and just get away from it all. We were crazy for ever thinking that it was a good idea to move back to Kentucky because ever since we have been back it has been one headache after another. The one thing that is sad about leaving is the one family that we will be leaving behind and they are not just friends they have became family because they have treated us better than our own family has ever treated us and we love them as a family should love each other. Although it isn't like we will never see them again because they now have a reason to vacation in Florida often and they will always have a place to stay when they come down. In fact, we are supposed to get together with them today to go to the waterpark when she gets off work. As you can see whenever I write my blogs I try to leave names out of them because I don't want to have things fall back on me and for people to get butt hurt if they happen to read this. I would have never thought in a million years that I or my husband would have raised a bunch of whiny snowflakes but, apparently, we have because they tend to piss and moan about stupid things that don't amount to a hill of beans. I personally try to avoid drama at all cost when I can but, if it can't be helped then I will tackle it head-on, and believe me you don't want me to confront you because I will hurt your feelings real quick because I have come to the point that if you don't respect my feelings then I don't give two shits about yours either. I do get kind of discouraged though, about some things like for instance, all these people raising money to help others with gofundme.com pages and they get thousands of money for all kinds of things and I ask for help to get us to move because my doctor said with my health Florida would be the best place for me and I can't get help with one red cent. I even see Youtubers giving money away to strangers, buying strangers cars, trucks, jewelry, clothes, shoes, and houses and I get nothing, zip, zilch, nada. I just don't understand because I am not a bad person. I help people in need whenever I can and I never expect anything in return. I just want to go home so bad it is killing me to stay someplace that we really don't want to be and to just exist while we are here is awful. The stress that my husband and I are under lately has been causing us to have nightmares and that is awful in and of itself right there. I just hope that by the first of August there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we can move back home to our peaceful paradise. 

Either Cry or Write

 When everything is building up and you either have to write it all down or bust out crying I feel for me it is best to get it all out by writing. I am so tired. Physically and emotionally. There comes a time when people just need to grow up and quit dumping on us and quit relying on us. We are not counselors I mean there is a reason people go to school to become licensed counselors and we are not it. They say you can lead a horse to water but, you can't make it drink and that is so true. I am so tired of people making the wrong choices and then expecting me to be ok with it. I am not ok with the wrong lifestyle choices that are being made and I am no longer just going to sit back and accept it with my mouth shut. I just can't do it anymore. I am also sick and tired of the threat of suicide being played with. Suicide is a real thing for some people and when people are just using it as a way to get attention then it just really pisses me off. I deal with enough stress with my own health issues of not being able to do what needs to be done around the house to help out so I am down on myself about that and I am constantly fighting an inner battle on a daily basis so I really don't have the time or the energy to have to deal with another grown adults problems that are actually solvable they just don't want them solved. If you are happy with the way your life is and you don't really want to change then stop coming to me with your so-called problems and pissing and moaning and using me if you are just going to sit and roll around in your self-pity and then keep on doing what you have been doing and you are not going to change because it is not going to happen in my house around my kids. I am putting my foot down. I have had enough I can't take anymore. This is affecting what little sleep I do get. I am starting to have night terrors again. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. My stomach stays in knots, I have a constant headache, and I feel irritated all the time. I can't take anymore. Even my hubby is irritated, has a constant headache, and can't sleep well. It really is affecting our family in a bad way. If anyone out there reads this and they pray please pray for our little family because we need it really bad.

Confusion

 Sitting here this morning I am in total confusion as to how a person can have the best life handed to them and they refuse to accept it. I understand that you love your children unconditionally but what are you supposed to do when you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I hate seeing my children go through anything that I know is going to ruin their life. My husband and I are so stressed to the max right now that we are physically ill. We know that is not good for either one of us but, we can't seem to stop. It is really hard when we are right in the middle if the situation. We just can't turn our backs on our children no matter what. We really don't know what to do. We are moving out of state in two months and I really cannot wait because I feel that will help to eliminate a lot of the stress that we are experiencing from outside sources. His family puts a lot of stress in our lives which is crazy. Family I always thought that family was supposed to be a place of support not stress but, apparently I was wrong. I always saw so many families getting together and having so much fun when I was growing up and that is what I wanted when I grew up and git married was a big family with lots of kids so we could get together and have fun too. Well I got the big family and lots of kids but, no one gets along and they don't get together and no one is fun. Although me and my husband and the three kids that live with us go have fun together. I guess sometimes you just have to have fun with the people that matter. Also we have some friends that treat us like family and we get together with them and we have great memories. So I have learned that sometimes family is not always blood. The fair is next week and we are all getting together and we are going to have an awesome time and I can't wait. I guess blood does not make you family. Loyalty makes you family. Without loyalty you have nothing. Well I hope this helps someone and thank you for reading please like and share so this will reach .more people.

When your mind races

 I told my husband yesterday that I had to start writing this blog again because if I didn't then my mind was not going to stop racing and it might actually explode. I know that there are people out there that will understand what I a talking about but, there are people out there that are probably thinking that this woman has done gone and lost what little of her mind she had left. I fully understand how this seems strange to some people but, let me try to explain a little bit. When your life has little or big stresses daily then your mind starts to focus on those stresses no matter how big or little them it is like you become overwhelmed with them and you find it hard to focus on other things. I find that it is helpful to put my thoughts and feelings down on my blog and when I get those thoughts and feelings out of my head then there is room for my mind to focus on other things. That is when I can truly see the light at the tunnel and just hope that it is not another train getting ready to run me other yet again. I guess with 10 kids you are bound to have a little stress, and then you have to factor in the health of me and my hubby, the in-laws, the out-laws, pets, friends, and life itself. Stress in any one's life is bound to happen at some time or another. Also, people deal with stress in different ways, so for me, the best way to handle all of this day to day stress is to write this blog. The reason that I put this blog online for others to read is that my hope is that someone will be able to read it and know that if they are going through similar things that they are not alone. Right now I am dealing with a child that you never know what her mood is going to be. My husband asked me the other day what was wrong with her and I told him that I didn't know I guess the wind blew. I told him if he waited a few minutes that the wind would blow again and she would be back in a good mood. Then we have a son who is a video game addict and he is never wrong. You can be the one that tells him something and he will argue with you until he is blue in the face and he will even get mad at you for even considering that he isn't right. Then I have one that wants to get his own place because he feels like people are silently judging him. I feel that there is nothing wrong with living with your parents if you have a job and you are paying your own way. I really enjoy having him here because not only does it make finances easier for us and him, he is really a big help around the house. Also, it's nice to be able to spend time with him and he is not stuck in a place somewhere alone. Then we have 2 kids that only call or come around once in a blue moon. They don't call, message, or come around on holidays or birthdays. I mean I gave it my all to raise kids only to have them basically throw it back in my face. I feel so unappreciated or respected. Not only did I step up for kids when their own mothers didn't care or want to I was really good to them and I even gave them more time than I did my own kids. I never once treated them like they were any different them my own blood in fact I treated them better because at least I was there in person for them. In fact, 2 of my own kids to this day don't have anything to do with me. I have a grandson out there that I have only seen his birth photos and I will probably never see anymore. All of this and now I have been heart broke and let down by another one of them when I thought they had truly changed and things were really different. It was like finally, they have their life together and things were starting to look up. And then the other shoe fell and it's like the wall crumbled. I guess for me the reason that I don't understand is that I have lost my mother and I have had to spend the last 10 years without her. It has been really hard because I have really had to look at myself and see where I have failed in life and where I took for granted that she would always be around when I needed her. When I needed someone to talk to other than my husband I knew that I could pick up the phone and call her. Day or night she was always there for me. Then when she was gone out of the blue, it was really hard and I would catch myself picking up the phone and calling her or thinking to myself that I couldn't wait to tell my mom what just happened, and then a catch in my heart would remind me that she was no longer here. People say that time heals all wounds but, that is not true because it may get a little easier but, the wound never truly goes away. That is why I don't understand why these kids don't want to be around me and why they take me for granted. Now Christmas is just 12 days away and I have been having some health issues and it would be so awesome if the kids would either call or stop by and just ask if there is anything that they could do to help me decorate for the holidays. Our Christmas tree is stuck on step 2 at the moment, it is up and now has lights and garland on it but, it does not have the ornaments on it yet. It is really depressing because it has never taken me this long to decorate for Christmas, any other year the day after Thanksgiving we have everything done. I haven't written on this blog for a while and I feel like all of this has just been building up in my mind and I think that is one of the reasons why I have been so emotional, depressed, and irritable lately. Sometimes it just helps to get everything out of my head and then I have more room to just breathe and smile. I hope this helps someone else to be able to know that they are not alone.

Things will never be normal

 I know it has been some time since I have been on here to write down anything and to that I am sorry. I know that in writing I find healing for myself and maybe for those that read my blog. I have had what seems like everything thrown my way here lately and I have had to stand strong with the help of my husband. I just resently  had to have an MRI with contrast done of my head. They did it because the ENT doctor thinks that I may have spinal fluid buildup in my head and he just wanted to make sure. He actually wants to rule it out and hopes that is not what is going on. We are also hoping that is not what is going on. I just want to know what it is that is making me dizzy all of the time. I have a runny nose like with alergies and watery eyes too, and also mucus but, the sad part is none of the alergiey medicine that they have given to me has worked to get rid of it. The sad part is I just want to feel like me again and here lately I just don't. I used to be this happy person and now I don't feel happy all of the time. I try really hard to be happy. It is not like anyone has done anything wrong to not make me feel happy, it is just that it feels like this sickness has zapped my joy. There are so many things that I want to do but, when it comes time to do them I find some excuse not to do it because I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I tell myself and everyone else that I am not worried but, in reality I am scared. The looming thing of my Grandmother and Mother both dying at age 65 of congestive heart failure really weighs on my mind and with every year closer that I get the fear grows. It is absolutly driving me up a wall. Not only am I stressed to the  fullest but, my husband is fully maxed out on stress. The really sad part is that we have raised 10 kids together and you would think that out of those 10 kids there would be more than just 1 or 2 that actually cares enough to help out. I know that 7 of those kids are grown and have lives and families of their own to worry about but, I don't think that it would hurt for them to every know and again to at least pick up the phone and say "hey mom I love you and I was thinking about you. How are you feeling today?" or they could at least stop by and help do something around the house. They all know that we rent our house and the people that bought our house are having it apprased and they told us that I need to get my bedroom tidied up. It is the only room that is left to be unpacked and put together. I can't do it on my own because I have dizzy spells and my husband is afraid if I do it alone I will pass out and no one will know. We have 3 kids at home but 1 works full time and the other 2 have homeschool and other that that they are lazy at times and don't care about nothing except games and tv.  Oh but let them ask for something thing and if you don't get it it is the end of the world. I ask myself a lot here lately, "where did I go wrong?" how did I raise such ungreatfull, self-centered, brats? I can't say that they are like this all the time because that is not true but a good majority of the time they are. I am not quite sure how all of this missed 1 kid but it did and for that I am greatful. I guess whenever I knew that my mom needed help I would go and help her out and I did it because that is what family is supposed to do. I tried to raise these kids like that but, it seems like the concepts that I tried to teach them totally missed them. I guess I may never know, it may be just one of life's many myseryies that go unsolved. 

End of times

These is crazy times that we are living these days. This virus is spreading like wildfire and people are dying all over the place. My heart is heavy every time I look at the news and it is heartbreaking to see how the little things that people take for granted hurt others. I am heartbroken for the kids that are seniors and they are missing out on their prom and graduation and senior pictures. All of the things that kids work so hard to get to and this milestone has been ripped out of their lives. Kids that are in 8th grade graduating to high school do not get to have their 8th-grade trip or graduation. These are all things that we take for granted and now these simple things are no more. The weather is getting warmer and friends and family cannot even get together and enjoy spending time together. Leisurely shopping is a thing of the past because we could either get infected or infect someone else. It seems as though people have lost their joy in life. Now is the time for people to come together apart and realize that we can get through this if we will only do our part and stay home. I know it seems like forever but, if we can take these few months and just enjoy the downtime and spend some quality time with the people that are in our homes maybe the family unit can be strengthened during this time together. If you are at home alone realize that you really are not alone. Get online and spend the time that way with people. There are online gaming websites that people can chat and play games together. I know that it really isn't the same as spending time with people in person but, it will allow you to feel a connection with people. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down with the circumstances that are going on in our world than we will only get depressed and dig a hole so big that we won't be able to climb out mentally. I know that this is easier said than down but, we can do this and we will do this. I have been taking time every day to deep clean different parts of my house. This is hard for me because I experience severe pain daily but, I push myself to at least do 1 thing every day. I can see the good that it is doing in my house and I really like it. People that are really used to working days and now they are not able to do that it really is affecting them but, if they use this time to catch up on things that they would normally not have the time to do then that will keep them busy. I know that doing homeschooling is hard for some people because they are not used to it but, my theory on this is to just have fun with it because our children's education is riding on what we do right now. I was already homeschooling our daughter using an online program that we pay $25 a month for and now my son is using the school's online homeschooling program for his school. My daughter loves the online school aspect but my son hates it because he would rather be in school. Like I told him though, this is only for 2 months right now and hopefully by August when school goes back to the regular setting maybe everything will be back to normal. Even going to the grocery store right now is stressful but, if you will take the time to do online shopping then it will cut out a lot of unnecessary stress in your life. I actually like to do the online shopping thing, but my husband really doesn't care about it. Although, now he is starting to see things my way. I am even not having to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medications because they are now doing free delivery. I have also created a pattern for a crocheted face mask that you can put a filter cloth into. I took some jeans that my husband had that he wanted to be cut off for jean shorts and I used them to make the filer part of the mask. Now when we have to go out of the house we at least have one safety protection in place. I am going to close for now and go plant some flowers in the planter on my front porch. I put up a bird feeder the other day and a day before that my husband repainted our birdbath and a couple of friends moved it into the front yard for me. I have also received from an online order for a harness and leash for my bearded dragon Yoda and I have taken him for a walk into our front yard. We also have a pool table on our back porch and we can go outside and at least get some fresh air and shoot pool. In a couple of weeks, we are buying a grill for the back yard and a swing. I also have a hammock chair that I need to put up in the back yard. Now is the time for us to keep our eye on the prize and enjoy our calm lives at home. I have been able to catch up on new release movies due to a free website. All in all, we will make it as long as people quit being selfish and hoarding things that they do not need that much of at one time. Keep your chin up people we got this together apart. Love and prayers for everyone. If you have anything you want to say or any comments you may have please feel free to share with others. Let's help each other with suggestions that can help us to pass the time together apart.

17 days and still counting down

Well I know that it has been a couple of day since I have written anything. That is because on Friday I had 8 back injections and I was not feeling up to much of anything. Then today I had a fibro flare up and could barely move out of bed. On a brighter note since having the knee injections my knees are feeling better. The back injections worked so I go back in a few weeks for another 8 shots and if that works then they will get authorization from my insurance to go in and burn the nerves. I can't say that I am not nervous about it because that would be a lie. In fact I am more nervous than anyone really knows because if I showed my fear then my husband wouldn't want me to do it. The reason I am doing it is because I can no longer live with the excruciating pain that I am in. Like I told my doctor, the needles hurt way less than the pain that I am already in. I also understand why my husband doesn't take the shots because everyone is different and he tried them and they didn't help him. Right now he is a bundle of nerves, between the waiting on the taxes and starting a new job tomorrow he is driving me crazy. I feel like he has a low self-esteem because even though he knows that he can do the work the fear of the unknown gets him every time. Like I tell him, if he goes and it is something that he knows that he absolutely can't do then leave. It really isn't a big deal. I mean it isn't like we will go to the poor house if he doesn't keep this job. I try to encourage him whenever I can. He is a wonderful provider and an excellent worker. He is always afraid that someone will see the brace on his leg and judge him as a crippled. Well 5am comes way to early in this house.

Things are not always as they seem

Well 18 more days and the countdown continues. We are going tomorrow to look at another house. We have it narrowed down to 2 houses. Both homes are beautiful. On another note I finished my math assignment early and over half of the rest of my math work that isn't due until Tuesday. I was really surprised that when I started working on it that it was really a lot easier than I had first realized. I guess between the pain and the fibro fog it was really messing with me last week. My other class isn't really all that bad either so I guess the next few weeks won't be so tough. My knees are feeling so much better today I am just hoping that the relief lasts long enough for me to get the gel injections because that should last at least 6-9 months. I know that doesn't seem like a long time but, when you deal with severe pain and day that is a good day is a real blessing. I go in the morning for them to see if they can give me an injection in my back to numb the nerves that are causing the pain in my back. If it works they will go in and burn or kill the nerves so I won't be in so much pain. The procedure doesn't last forever because the nerves do grow back so I would have to redo the procedure again when they eventually grow back. But, as I said any day that is a good day is worth it. Everyone is so against me having this done because foe them it caused more pain and didn't work but, everyone is different and I am hoping that it will work for me. If I don't try then I will never know. Also it can't make me feel any worse than I already feel. Sitting, standing, walking and just about anything else causes me great pain and if this helps then to me it will be worth living in pain for a few days until the procedure takes affect. I have been in pain for so long a few more day is really not going to break me. I really do miss cooking and baking for my family. Not being able to care for our home really is depressing. I mean I am a full time student and housewife but I cant even take care of the house so I am failing at that job. My husband says that he doesn't care and that I am doing my best but I can tell he is only saying that to spare my feelings. I know if I feel bad about it then he must too. He hasn't said so in some many words but I know he has to feel bad about it. He tries to work, cook, clean and take care of me and I know that it is really taking a lot out of him and I feel that he deserves so much better than that. So if I have to endure a little pain so that way I can feel better for awhile so that way I can help out then it really is the least that I can do. It was funny because the back doctor and the knee doctor both asked me why I waited so long to come in and they both got the same answer. Which was that I had been asking my doctor at every visit to get me some help and they just now did. Although I have been getting knee injections evey 6 months for quite awhile now. I told my knee doctor that too. He also told me that he couldn't give me pills of any kind because my stomach is too raw and I have ulcers. I told him that I really didn't want them anyway because it is too much jusk that would get into my system. I am hoping that they will hurry up and legalize weed because I wouldn't have a problem using that. Well goodnight for now 5 am comea way to early.

The few and the faithful

I have noticed that I have a few faithful followers who read my blog and for those of you i want to say thank you for supporting me. I don't know who you are but you do and that is all that matters. On another bright note we are down to 19 days and hopefully time will fly. On another good note i started my math assignment that is do this week and it was not as hard as i originally thought it was going to be. My mind must have been in a fibro fog because today when i read through it something just clicked and a lightbulb came on and i was like duh. So that is about all of the good news i have right now. I am writing tonight's blog on my phone because my hubby is asleep and i didn't want to wake him up. 5 am comes way to early and that is the time we get up to take our oldest to work. It gives me 15 minutes to use the bathroom and make 2 cups of coffee before i slip on my house shoes and walk out the door. Generally i come home and fall asleep for an hour before it is time to make up the middle one for school. Well today i had to be at the orthopedic clinic and i didn't really have time to fall back to sleep but i couldn't tell my body no and i fell asleep. I got to the clinic with about 30 seconds to spare. I got checked in, triaged, x-rayed, and then put in a room, received a consultant, got injections is both knees and scheduled to come back in 6 weeks for gel injections in both knees and left in 1 hour. I really like this doctor. He wants to put off surgery for as long as possible. He won't write me pain meds due to my bleeding ulcers. All of this is good things really because the pharmaceutical companies are trying to get doctor's to shove chemical filled pills down your throat and people just blindly accept every thing they say at face value. Now if our newly elected governor can get medical marijuana legalized like he wants to do then i will be extremely happy because that is all natural and it effectively takes away the pain without the health related side effects that pills have. Oh yeah another good thing happens tomorrow and i will save it for then. Good ni

A does not = 1 and B does not = 2

Ok, so today ends the 1st week of a 10-week math class. I literally hate math. I have my reasons and they are as follows; who in their right mind added shapes and letters to math, why does the terminology constantly change from year to year, why can't we just keep using the same formulas to do the math, and so much more. Personally, I feel that whoever keeps messing with math needs to be smacked in the head with a very large calculator. I just can't seem to keep up with it. I even showed my daughter who is in 7th grade (she skipped a grade and she is acing 7th-grade math) and she doesn't even understand this math. It all looks greek to me. It really is sad because I can do our own taxes every year, balance a monthly budget, and keep a household running but, I can't keep up with math classes. It makes me feel dumb at times but, I know I am not dumb and that I am really smart it is just that it really aggravates me at times. Well on a brighter note, we filled taxes yesterday and in 20 more days we will be moving into our very own place. I am over the top excited. It will be so nice to be able to walk around without running into someone or walking into everything that is piled everywhere because this place is just to small for all of our stuff and all of these people. I love each and every person that is in our home and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I just really need some space and they really do need their own space too. It will be so nice for everyone to have their rooms and for them to be able to shut their doors and have their own quiet space. I can't wait to decorate and make things nice and just be relaxed. I can't wait until we can have people over and not have to worry about being embarrassed about not having a decent place. I know that when we moved here it was just temporary but, man it has been really stressful for all of us. Our oldest compared it to serving out a jail sentence and counting down the days. I really can understand that analogy, I have never been to jail but, I can imagine that this is somewhat what it might be like. I just am going to use my remaining time to go through things and get rid of junk and concentrate on my school work. At least this will give me enough time to properly pack things up and label them so it won't be so hard on us when we move them to our new permanent place. Well, it has gotten late because I had to finish up some homework and look at what I needed to have completed by midnight and then in looking at it found that I was stressed over nothing because I had already completed everything for this week that needed to be done. I will close for now and try to write more tomorrow. I have a doctors appointment in the morning for knee injections in both knees so wish me luck.

clearing your mind

Many people use different techniques to clear their minds. I use blogging because once I get everything that is swimming around in my head out in the open I can concentrate on whatever I need to do. For instance, I am trying to do my homework but, I cannot get my mind to quiet down long enough for me to concentrate on the lessons. So, I have to take a few minutes to stop and clear all the junk out of my head. Yesterday was a bad fibro flare-up and I was in bed most of the day. I hate when that happens because I feel as though I am floating through a fog. On top of all of this, we are cooped up in a tiny little house on top of each other and that doesn't help because it is really not healthy to a person's anxiety level to have to be in everyone's face 24/7. The end is so close I can almost touch it. Tax papers are sent out and now we are just waiting for them to come in the mail and then we file and hurry up and wait for the money to hit our bank account and then we can get moved in and settled into our new home. My son told me that it is like being in jail and you are counting down the days until you are set free. I have to agree with him on that one. My husband feels bad because we are stuck in this rut but like I told him, no one is to blame it is just something that we had to do until we are able to move. I understand that everyone hates this house but, I also know that we didn't want to move a bunch of times while waiting to be able to move into the house that we are buying. It's crazy because it seems like my mind is consumed with nothing but, the new house. I dream about it and everything. On another note, I just finished 2 more classes in my college journey. I finished both classes with a B. I was not happy about it because I wanted to get all A's but, I have to be content to know that I did my best and I did receive a good grade. Another thing that is consuming my thoughts right now is that I am in extreme pain due to back problems and fibro. I went to the pain doctor and they want to try a procedure that involves injecting lidocaine into the facet joints to numb the nerves to see if that helps the pain. If that works they want to burn the nerves to block the pain for about 6-12 months. I did some online research about this and they claim that it is 60%-80% effective on most patients. Although, I have talked to some people that say they had it done and it did not help them and that after the procedure they were in more pain. I am extremely nervous about this because I just really want the pain to ease up because it is getting to a level that is unbearable for me. I really don't know what to do but, I do know that they have the procedure scheduled for Jan. 31st. at 9AM. I feel like if I don't agree with the procedure then they are not going to help me with controlling the pain and then I will just have to sit in constant pain for the rest of my life.  Well, I better close, for now, I have school work to do and putting it off will not get it done.