When Your at the end of your rope

 When you are at the end of your rope and you have finally had enough of everyone's crap, it is time to put your foot down and start living for yourself and your family. Giving tough love to your kids is a hard thing to do but, sometimes it is necessary to make them wake up and become stronger people in the long run.  A person can only take so much before they finally explode. Well over the last few days my husband and I have been under an enormous amount of pressure and finally this morning it all came to a head and he let it all out. We are emotionally and mentally exhausted and we really need some rest. We are saving every dime we get so we can move back to our home in Florida and just get away from it all. We were crazy for ever thinking that it was a good idea to move back to Kentucky because ever since we have been back it has been one headache after another. The one thing that is sad about leaving is the one family that we will be leaving behind and they are not just friends they have became family because they have treated us better than our own family has ever treated us and we love them as a family should love each other. Although it isn't like we will never see them again because they now have a reason to vacation in Florida often and they will always have a place to stay when they come down. In fact, we are supposed to get together with them today to go to the waterpark when she gets off work. As you can see whenever I write my blogs I try to leave names out of them because I don't want to have things fall back on me and for people to get butt hurt if they happen to read this. I would have never thought in a million years that I or my husband would have raised a bunch of whiny snowflakes but, apparently, we have because they tend to piss and moan about stupid things that don't amount to a hill of beans. I personally try to avoid drama at all cost when I can but, if it can't be helped then I will tackle it head-on, and believe me you don't want me to confront you because I will hurt your feelings real quick because I have come to the point that if you don't respect my feelings then I don't give two shits about yours either. I do get kind of discouraged though, about some things like for instance, all these people raising money to help others with gofundme.com pages and they get thousands of money for all kinds of things and I ask for help to get us to move because my doctor said with my health Florida would be the best place for me and I can't get help with one red cent. I even see Youtubers giving money away to strangers, buying strangers cars, trucks, jewelry, clothes, shoes, and houses and I get nothing, zip, zilch, nada. I just don't understand because I am not a bad person. I help people in need whenever I can and I never expect anything in return. I just want to go home so bad it is killing me to stay someplace that we really don't want to be and to just exist while we are here is awful. The stress that my husband and I are under lately has been causing us to have nightmares and that is awful in and of itself right there. I just hope that by the first of August there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we can move back home to our peaceful paradise. 

Either Cry or Write

 When everything is building up and you either have to write it all down or bust out crying I feel for me it is best to get it all out by writing. I am so tired. Physically and emotionally. There comes a time when people just need to grow up and quit dumping on us and quit relying on us. We are not counselors I mean there is a reason people go to school to become licensed counselors and we are not it. They say you can lead a horse to water but, you can't make it drink and that is so true. I am so tired of people making the wrong choices and then expecting me to be ok with it. I am not ok with the wrong lifestyle choices that are being made and I am no longer just going to sit back and accept it with my mouth shut. I just can't do it anymore. I am also sick and tired of the threat of suicide being played with. Suicide is a real thing for some people and when people are just using it as a way to get attention then it just really pisses me off. I deal with enough stress with my own health issues of not being able to do what needs to be done around the house to help out so I am down on myself about that and I am constantly fighting an inner battle on a daily basis so I really don't have the time or the energy to have to deal with another grown adults problems that are actually solvable they just don't want them solved. If you are happy with the way your life is and you don't really want to change then stop coming to me with your so-called problems and pissing and moaning and using me if you are just going to sit and roll around in your self-pity and then keep on doing what you have been doing and you are not going to change because it is not going to happen in my house around my kids. I am putting my foot down. I have had enough I can't take anymore. This is affecting what little sleep I do get. I am starting to have night terrors again. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. My stomach stays in knots, I have a constant headache, and I feel irritated all the time. I can't take anymore. Even my hubby is irritated, has a constant headache, and can't sleep well. It really is affecting our family in a bad way. If anyone out there reads this and they pray please pray for our little family because we need it really bad.

Confusion

 Sitting here this morning I am in total confusion as to how a person can have the best life handed to them and they refuse to accept it. I understand that you love your children unconditionally but what are you supposed to do when you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I hate seeing my children go through anything that I know is going to ruin their life. My husband and I are so stressed to the max right now that we are physically ill. We know that is not good for either one of us but, we can't seem to stop. It is really hard when we are right in the middle if the situation. We just can't turn our backs on our children no matter what. We really don't know what to do. We are moving out of state in two months and I really cannot wait because I feel that will help to eliminate a lot of the stress that we are experiencing from outside sources. His family puts a lot of stress in our lives which is crazy. Family I always thought that family was supposed to be a place of support not stress but, apparently I was wrong. I always saw so many families getting together and having so much fun when I was growing up and that is what I wanted when I grew up and git married was a big family with lots of kids so we could get together and have fun too. Well I got the big family and lots of kids but, no one gets along and they don't get together and no one is fun. Although me and my husband and the three kids that live with us go have fun together. I guess sometimes you just have to have fun with the people that matter. Also we have some friends that treat us like family and we get together with them and we have great memories. So I have learned that sometimes family is not always blood. The fair is next week and we are all getting together and we are going to have an awesome time and I can't wait. I guess blood does not make you family. Loyalty makes you family. Without loyalty you have nothing. Well I hope this helps someone and thank you for reading please like and share so this will reach .more people.

When your mind races

 I told my husband yesterday that I had to start writing this blog again because if I didn't then my mind was not going to stop racing and it might actually explode. I know that there are people out there that will understand what I a talking about but, there are people out there that are probably thinking that this woman has done gone and lost what little of her mind she had left. I fully understand how this seems strange to some people but, let me try to explain a little bit. When your life has little or big stresses daily then your mind starts to focus on those stresses no matter how big or little them it is like you become overwhelmed with them and you find it hard to focus on other things. I find that it is helpful to put my thoughts and feelings down on my blog and when I get those thoughts and feelings out of my head then there is room for my mind to focus on other things. That is when I can truly see the light at the tunnel and just hope that it is not another train getting ready to run me other yet again. I guess with 10 kids you are bound to have a little stress, and then you have to factor in the health of me and my hubby, the in-laws, the out-laws, pets, friends, and life itself. Stress in any one's life is bound to happen at some time or another. Also, people deal with stress in different ways, so for me, the best way to handle all of this day to day stress is to write this blog. The reason that I put this blog online for others to read is that my hope is that someone will be able to read it and know that if they are going through similar things that they are not alone. Right now I am dealing with a child that you never know what her mood is going to be. My husband asked me the other day what was wrong with her and I told him that I didn't know I guess the wind blew. I told him if he waited a few minutes that the wind would blow again and she would be back in a good mood. Then we have a son who is a video game addict and he is never wrong. You can be the one that tells him something and he will argue with you until he is blue in the face and he will even get mad at you for even considering that he isn't right. Then I have one that wants to get his own place because he feels like people are silently judging him. I feel that there is nothing wrong with living with your parents if you have a job and you are paying your own way. I really enjoy having him here because not only does it make finances easier for us and him, he is really a big help around the house. Also, it's nice to be able to spend time with him and he is not stuck in a place somewhere alone. Then we have 2 kids that only call or come around once in a blue moon. They don't call, message, or come around on holidays or birthdays. I mean I gave it my all to raise kids only to have them basically throw it back in my face. I feel so unappreciated or respected. Not only did I step up for kids when their own mothers didn't care or want to I was really good to them and I even gave them more time than I did my own kids. I never once treated them like they were any different them my own blood in fact I treated them better because at least I was there in person for them. In fact, 2 of my own kids to this day don't have anything to do with me. I have a grandson out there that I have only seen his birth photos and I will probably never see anymore. All of this and now I have been heart broke and let down by another one of them when I thought they had truly changed and things were really different. It was like finally, they have their life together and things were starting to look up. And then the other shoe fell and it's like the wall crumbled. I guess for me the reason that I don't understand is that I have lost my mother and I have had to spend the last 10 years without her. It has been really hard because I have really had to look at myself and see where I have failed in life and where I took for granted that she would always be around when I needed her. When I needed someone to talk to other than my husband I knew that I could pick up the phone and call her. Day or night she was always there for me. Then when she was gone out of the blue, it was really hard and I would catch myself picking up the phone and calling her or thinking to myself that I couldn't wait to tell my mom what just happened, and then a catch in my heart would remind me that she was no longer here. People say that time heals all wounds but, that is not true because it may get a little easier but, the wound never truly goes away. That is why I don't understand why these kids don't want to be around me and why they take me for granted. Now Christmas is just 12 days away and I have been having some health issues and it would be so awesome if the kids would either call or stop by and just ask if there is anything that they could do to help me decorate for the holidays. Our Christmas tree is stuck on step 2 at the moment, it is up and now has lights and garland on it but, it does not have the ornaments on it yet. It is really depressing because it has never taken me this long to decorate for Christmas, any other year the day after Thanksgiving we have everything done. I haven't written on this blog for a while and I feel like all of this has just been building up in my mind and I think that is one of the reasons why I have been so emotional, depressed, and irritable lately. Sometimes it just helps to get everything out of my head and then I have more room to just breathe and smile. I hope this helps someone else to be able to know that they are not alone.

Things will never be normal

 I know it has been some time since I have been on here to write down anything and to that I am sorry. I know that in writing I find healing for myself and maybe for those that read my blog. I have had what seems like everything thrown my way here lately and I have had to stand strong with the help of my husband. I just resently  had to have an MRI with contrast done of my head. They did it because the ENT doctor thinks that I may have spinal fluid buildup in my head and he just wanted to make sure. He actually wants to rule it out and hopes that is not what is going on. We are also hoping that is not what is going on. I just want to know what it is that is making me dizzy all of the time. I have a runny nose like with alergies and watery eyes too, and also mucus but, the sad part is none of the alergiey medicine that they have given to me has worked to get rid of it. The sad part is I just want to feel like me again and here lately I just don't. I used to be this happy person and now I don't feel happy all of the time. I try really hard to be happy. It is not like anyone has done anything wrong to not make me feel happy, it is just that it feels like this sickness has zapped my joy. There are so many things that I want to do but, when it comes time to do them I find some excuse not to do it because I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I tell myself and everyone else that I am not worried but, in reality I am scared. The looming thing of my Grandmother and Mother both dying at age 65 of congestive heart failure really weighs on my mind and with every year closer that I get the fear grows. It is absolutly driving me up a wall. Not only am I stressed to the  fullest but, my husband is fully maxed out on stress. The really sad part is that we have raised 10 kids together and you would think that out of those 10 kids there would be more than just 1 or 2 that actually cares enough to help out. I know that 7 of those kids are grown and have lives and families of their own to worry about but, I don't think that it would hurt for them to every know and again to at least pick up the phone and say "hey mom I love you and I was thinking about you. How are you feeling today?" or they could at least stop by and help do something around the house. They all know that we rent our house and the people that bought our house are having it apprased and they told us that I need to get my bedroom tidied up. It is the only room that is left to be unpacked and put together. I can't do it on my own because I have dizzy spells and my husband is afraid if I do it alone I will pass out and no one will know. We have 3 kids at home but 1 works full time and the other 2 have homeschool and other that that they are lazy at times and don't care about nothing except games and tv.  Oh but let them ask for something thing and if you don't get it it is the end of the world. I ask myself a lot here lately, "where did I go wrong?" how did I raise such ungreatfull, self-centered, brats? I can't say that they are like this all the time because that is not true but a good majority of the time they are. I am not quite sure how all of this missed 1 kid but it did and for that I am greatful. I guess whenever I knew that my mom needed help I would go and help her out and I did it because that is what family is supposed to do. I tried to raise these kids like that but, it seems like the concepts that I tried to teach them totally missed them. I guess I may never know, it may be just one of life's many myseryies that go unsolved. 

End of times

These is crazy times that we are living these days. This virus is spreading like wildfire and people are dying all over the place. My heart is heavy every time I look at the news and it is heartbreaking to see how the little things that people take for granted hurt others. I am heartbroken for the kids that are seniors and they are missing out on their prom and graduation and senior pictures. All of the things that kids work so hard to get to and this milestone has been ripped out of their lives. Kids that are in 8th grade graduating to high school do not get to have their 8th-grade trip or graduation. These are all things that we take for granted and now these simple things are no more. The weather is getting warmer and friends and family cannot even get together and enjoy spending time together. Leisurely shopping is a thing of the past because we could either get infected or infect someone else. It seems as though people have lost their joy in life. Now is the time for people to come together apart and realize that we can get through this if we will only do our part and stay home. I know it seems like forever but, if we can take these few months and just enjoy the downtime and spend some quality time with the people that are in our homes maybe the family unit can be strengthened during this time together. If you are at home alone realize that you really are not alone. Get online and spend the time that way with people. There are online gaming websites that people can chat and play games together. I know that it really isn't the same as spending time with people in person but, it will allow you to feel a connection with people. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down with the circumstances that are going on in our world than we will only get depressed and dig a hole so big that we won't be able to climb out mentally. I know that this is easier said than down but, we can do this and we will do this. I have been taking time every day to deep clean different parts of my house. This is hard for me because I experience severe pain daily but, I push myself to at least do 1 thing every day. I can see the good that it is doing in my house and I really like it. People that are really used to working days and now they are not able to do that it really is affecting them but, if they use this time to catch up on things that they would normally not have the time to do then that will keep them busy. I know that doing homeschooling is hard for some people because they are not used to it but, my theory on this is to just have fun with it because our children's education is riding on what we do right now. I was already homeschooling our daughter using an online program that we pay $25 a month for and now my son is using the school's online homeschooling program for his school. My daughter loves the online school aspect but my son hates it because he would rather be in school. Like I told him though, this is only for 2 months right now and hopefully by August when school goes back to the regular setting maybe everything will be back to normal. Even going to the grocery store right now is stressful but, if you will take the time to do online shopping then it will cut out a lot of unnecessary stress in your life. I actually like to do the online shopping thing, but my husband really doesn't care about it. Although, now he is starting to see things my way. I am even not having to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medications because they are now doing free delivery. I have also created a pattern for a crocheted face mask that you can put a filter cloth into. I took some jeans that my husband had that he wanted to be cut off for jean shorts and I used them to make the filer part of the mask. Now when we have to go out of the house we at least have one safety protection in place. I am going to close for now and go plant some flowers in the planter on my front porch. I put up a bird feeder the other day and a day before that my husband repainted our birdbath and a couple of friends moved it into the front yard for me. I have also received from an online order for a harness and leash for my bearded dragon Yoda and I have taken him for a walk into our front yard. We also have a pool table on our back porch and we can go outside and at least get some fresh air and shoot pool. In a couple of weeks, we are buying a grill for the back yard and a swing. I also have a hammock chair that I need to put up in the back yard. Now is the time for us to keep our eye on the prize and enjoy our calm lives at home. I have been able to catch up on new release movies due to a free website. All in all, we will make it as long as people quit being selfish and hoarding things that they do not need that much of at one time. Keep your chin up people we got this together apart. Love and prayers for everyone. If you have anything you want to say or any comments you may have please feel free to share with others. Let's help each other with suggestions that can help us to pass the time together apart.

17 days and still counting down

Well I know that it has been a couple of day since I have written anything. That is because on Friday I had 8 back injections and I was not feeling up to much of anything. Then today I had a fibro flare up and could barely move out of bed. On a brighter note since having the knee injections my knees are feeling better. The back injections worked so I go back in a few weeks for another 8 shots and if that works then they will get authorization from my insurance to go in and burn the nerves. I can't say that I am not nervous about it because that would be a lie. In fact I am more nervous than anyone really knows because if I showed my fear then my husband wouldn't want me to do it. The reason I am doing it is because I can no longer live with the excruciating pain that I am in. Like I told my doctor, the needles hurt way less than the pain that I am already in. I also understand why my husband doesn't take the shots because everyone is different and he tried them and they didn't help him. Right now he is a bundle of nerves, between the waiting on the taxes and starting a new job tomorrow he is driving me crazy. I feel like he has a low self-esteem because even though he knows that he can do the work the fear of the unknown gets him every time. Like I tell him, if he goes and it is something that he knows that he absolutely can't do then leave. It really isn't a big deal. I mean it isn't like we will go to the poor house if he doesn't keep this job. I try to encourage him whenever I can. He is a wonderful provider and an excellent worker. He is always afraid that someone will see the brace on his leg and judge him as a crippled. Well 5am comes way to early in this house.