I know it has been some time since I have been on here to write down anything and to that I am sorry. I know that in writing I find healing for myself and maybe for those that read my blog. I have had what seems like everything thrown my way here lately and I have had to stand strong with the help of my husband. I just resently had to have an MRI with contrast done of my head. They did it because the ENT doctor thinks that I may have spinal fluid buildup in my head and he just wanted to make sure. He actually wants to rule it out and hopes that is not what is going on. We are also hoping that is not what is going on. I just want to know what it is that is making me dizzy all of the time. I have a runny nose like with alergies and watery eyes too, and also mucus but, the sad part is none of the alergiey medicine that they have given to me has worked to get rid of it. The sad part is I just want to feel like me again and here lately I just don't. I used to be this happy person and now I don't feel happy all of the time. I try really hard to be happy. It is not like anyone has done anything wrong to not make me feel happy, it is just that it feels like this sickness has zapped my joy. There are so many things that I want to do but, when it comes time to do them I find some excuse not to do it because I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I tell myself and everyone else that I am not worried but, in reality I am scared. The looming thing of my Grandmother and Mother both dying at age 65 of congestive heart failure really weighs on my mind and with every year closer that I get the fear grows. It is absolutly driving me up a wall. Not only am I stressed to the fullest but, my husband is fully maxed out on stress. The really sad part is that we have raised 10 kids together and you would think that out of those 10 kids there would be more than just 1 or 2 that actually cares enough to help out. I know that 7 of those kids are grown and have lives and families of their own to worry about but, I don't think that it would hurt for them to every know and again to at least pick up the phone and say "hey mom I love you and I was thinking about you. How are you feeling today?" or they could at least stop by and help do something around the house. They all know that we rent our house and the people that bought our house are having it apprased and they told us that I need to get my bedroom tidied up. It is the only room that is left to be unpacked and put together. I can't do it on my own because I have dizzy spells and my husband is afraid if I do it alone I will pass out and no one will know. We have 3 kids at home but 1 works full time and the other 2 have homeschool and other that that they are lazy at times and don't care about nothing except games and tv. Oh but let them ask for something thing and if you don't get it it is the end of the world. I ask myself a lot here lately, "where did I go wrong?" how did I raise such ungreatfull, self-centered, brats? I can't say that they are like this all the time because that is not true but a good majority of the time they are. I am not quite sure how all of this missed 1 kid but it did and for that I am greatful. I guess whenever I knew that my mom needed help I would go and help her out and I did it because that is what family is supposed to do. I tried to raise these kids like that but, it seems like the concepts that I tried to teach them totally missed them. I guess I may never know, it may be just one of life's many myseryies that go unsolved.
