I told my husband yesterday that I had to start writing this blog again because if I didn't then my mind was not going to stop racing and it might actually explode. I know that there are people out there that will understand what I a talking about but, there are people out there that are probably thinking that this woman has done gone and lost what little of her mind she had left. I fully understand how this seems strange to some people but, let me try to explain a little bit. When your life has little or big stresses daily then your mind starts to focus on those stresses no matter how big or little them it is like you become overwhelmed with them and you find it hard to focus on other things. I find that it is helpful to put my thoughts and feelings down on my blog and when I get those thoughts and feelings out of my head then there is room for my mind to focus on other things. That is when I can truly see the light at the tunnel and just hope that it is not another train getting ready to run me other yet again. I guess with 10 kids you are bound to have a little stress, and then you have to factor in the health of me and my hubby, the in-laws, the out-laws, pets, friends, and life itself. Stress in any one's life is bound to happen at some time or another. Also, people deal with stress in different ways, so for me, the best way to handle all of this day to day stress is to write this blog. The reason that I put this blog online for others to read is that my hope is that someone will be able to read it and know that if they are going through similar things that they are not alone. Right now I am dealing with a child that you never know what her mood is going to be. My husband asked me the other day what was wrong with her and I told him that I didn't know I guess the wind blew. I told him if he waited a few minutes that the wind would blow again and she would be back in a good mood. Then we have a son who is a video game addict and he is never wrong. You can be the one that tells him something and he will argue with you until he is blue in the face and he will even get mad at you for even considering that he isn't right. Then I have one that wants to get his own place because he feels like people are silently judging him. I feel that there is nothing wrong with living with your parents if you have a job and you are paying your own way. I really enjoy having him here because not only does it make finances easier for us and him, he is really a big help around the house. Also, it's nice to be able to spend time with him and he is not stuck in a place somewhere alone. Then we have 2 kids that only call or come around once in a blue moon. They don't call, message, or come around on holidays or birthdays. I mean I gave it my all to raise kids only to have them basically throw it back in my face. I feel so unappreciated or respected. Not only did I step up for kids when their own mothers didn't care or want to I was really good to them and I even gave them more time than I did my own kids. I never once treated them like they were any different them my own blood in fact I treated them better because at least I was there in person for them. In fact, 2 of my own kids to this day don't have anything to do with me. I have a grandson out there that I have only seen his birth photos and I will probably never see anymore. All of this and now I have been heart broke and let down by another one of them when I thought they had truly changed and things were really different. It was like finally, they have their life together and things were starting to look up. And then the other shoe fell and it's like the wall crumbled. I guess for me the reason that I don't understand is that I have lost my mother and I have had to spend the last 10 years without her. It has been really hard because I have really had to look at myself and see where I have failed in life and where I took for granted that she would always be around when I needed her. When I needed someone to talk to other than my husband I knew that I could pick up the phone and call her. Day or night she was always there for me. Then when she was gone out of the blue, it was really hard and I would catch myself picking up the phone and calling her or thinking to myself that I couldn't wait to tell my mom what just happened, and then a catch in my heart would remind me that she was no longer here. People say that time heals all wounds but, that is not true because it may get a little easier but, the wound never truly goes away. That is why I don't understand why these kids don't want to be around me and why they take me for granted. Now Christmas is just 12 days away and I have been having some health issues and it would be so awesome if the kids would either call or stop by and just ask if there is anything that they could do to help me decorate for the holidays. Our Christmas tree is stuck on step 2 at the moment, it is up and now has lights and garland on it but, it does not have the ornaments on it yet. It is really depressing because it has never taken me this long to decorate for Christmas, any other year the day after Thanksgiving we have everything done. I haven't written on this blog for a while and I feel like all of this has just been building up in my mind and I think that is one of the reasons why I have been so emotional, depressed, and irritable lately. Sometimes it just helps to get everything out of my head and then I have more room to just breathe and smile. I hope this helps someone else to be able to know that they are not alone.
