I feel selfish

Here lately I feel short tempered with my hubby and I feel that I am being selfish. For example it seems to me that here lately there seems to always be something wrong with him. There is never a day goes by that he either doesn't feel good or he claims pain in some part of his body. He has went from someone who rarely gets sick to always something being wrong and he will ask "do I look like I don't feel good or do I look tired" and usually no he doesn't it to me feels as though he just wants attention and for me that is not a way to get my attention. It really irritates me and I let him know it but he is just not getting it. Also he is very negative with me here lately. It makes me feel that no matter how hard I try I just can't do anything good enough. For instance I can clean the house everyday and make sure dinner is ready when he gets home and he will find something to complain about like there are clothes in the dyer why didn't you fold and put them away what do you do sit and watch tv all day. Also he will call on his breaks and tell me things I need to do which he says he is just reminding me but for me it makes me feel like that he thinks I am to stupid to know what needs to be done. I have told him how I feel but he keeps doing it. I know he loves me and everything but it is stuff like this that is causing me anger and I am trying to cope with it and handle things in a Godly way but I am really lost on what to do. I just have a lot of junk in my head because of my weight issues and then Daltons school and Sarah being in jail and getting rehab and then him adding to my stress it really isnt helping and now because of all of this the skin problems that I have are acting up and my hands are raw and dry and cracked and are very painful. I dont say any of this to make my husband look bad because he isn't he really is a good husband and father and provider for our family. I just want to let people know that they are not alone and that no marriage is perfect. Everyone has something that they are working on. I normally try to focus on the positive because it is important to not get caught up in the negativity because whatever you focus on becomes bigger. I feel that sometimes he can be offensive when I try to tell him how I feel so I am trying to pray and ask God how to say things when I talk to him. Now I by no means am trying to say that I am perfect because I am far from it but I am trying to do and say the right thing. Another thing that is going on is that our daughter called to say that she is glad that she went to jail and that she is getting the help she needed. She is going to Celebrate Recovery and some other class to help her and that she wants to come home after she gets out next month. I am praying that she has honestly had a change of heart and that she will keep up with the progress that she is making now. Because in the past she has been selfish and only thought about herself and not about the family. I have never stopped praying for her or stopped loving her. I have been angry with her and really hurt by her actions. I wrote her a letter to let her know how I feel and I hope that she understands. I let her know how I felt and I let her know that our door is always open for her if she is truly willing to change because I have to first and formost think about the 2 young ones that are in our care. I cannot allow her to hurt them by her selfish actions. My fear is that she is only doing these things right now because she has to but prayer is that it is a true change of heart and that when she is out and she has a choice that she will make the right choices. There is a lot of stresses right now bit I k ow that God is in control and that everything is going to be ok. For thanksgiving my husband wants us to go to Lexington to go out to lunch with some friends and to stop by and visit his family. I really want to be excited for this and be able to be able to have a fun and enjoyable day but I am nervous also because with that family there is always something that goes wrong. They are negative and they can never just be happy with life. They are not happy unless they are putting someone down. They dont get along with each other and someone is always stabbing someone in the back. His mother is raised one of his ex's kids and she treats our kids and my kids lije outsiders. Its just stressful being around them. I try not to allow them to bother me but then I sort of get accused of being a snob. But they act like white trash and I am better than that. It is hard to find a happy medium because I know they don't like me because they have said they don't.

Tired of middle school

I am so fed up with middle school.  Today they had my son call me to tell me that he is missing 2 assignments in social studies. I asked my son ok where are they and he apparently has lost them and doesn't know where they are. So then his teacher gets on the phone to tell me that they just wanted him to call and let me know that he is missing 2 assignments. So i ask if he is missing anything else and the teacher didn't know but said he would find out and i also asked if the teacher could give him the assignments again and that way he can at least get some credit and he said he would ask the other teacher and then let me know. The reason i am a little irritated about this is i feel like having my son call me in the middle of class time is pointless and is taking away from the time that should be spent teaching him. Also what if i was at work and had a job and i get a call from school i would naturally answer it thinking that it could be an emergency but then for it to be nonsense like this. And the thing that also bothers me is that it wasn't even the teacher that he has the missing assignments for that got on the phone so the teacher was not very helpful either. All of his teachers have my phone number and email address so if it was so important for me to inow this information then i feel like the teacher that has the missing assignments should be the one to take the time and talk to me since she was the one who wasted my time with a pointless phone call. I went to the parent teacher meeting and they told me that they feel like he is not able to do the assignments but it seems as if they are dragging their feet on getting him the necessary help that they say he needs. They have a no backpacks in classrooms policy which i feel is stupid because to me he would better be able to keep track of his things and not lose his assignments if he was allowed to keep them in his backpack. We even got him a binder the one with different places that would hold all his folders and paper and a pencil keeper and he was told that he wasnt allowed to use that either. My hands are tied and i dont know what else to do to help him be organized when everything that we do is not allowed. I wish he could be in a private Christian school because i feel he would thrive so much better than he is drowning in public school. But we really cant afford it. I can only put it in God's hands and ask Him to give me the wisdom on how to handle these situations when they arise.

Total honesty

I am going to be totally honest right now and say something that is really hard for me. After struggling so hard to lose weight and coming so close to being where I wanted to be I have gained 45 pounds and I feel miserable. I feel like I now have no energy and I feel sick and everytime I eat anything I feel sick. I have been to the doctor and they said it is because of my surgery as to why I feel sick after eating. I need to take a step back and rethink how I am eating and what I am eating. I feel so ashamed of having gained this weight. I can no longer fit into my clothes and when I put something on that does fit I feel like I look horrible. I don't judge others on the way that they look and I don't look down on anyone for the way they look but I look down on myself. I feel like I am sliding into a pit and I can't see out. My husband is so supportive he tells me that he loves me just the way I am. He has never made me feel like I don't measure up. I am going to take a step back and reevaluate what I need to do and get back on track because I really need to lose the weight for my health.

Racism

Ok so today I am going to weigh in on the whole racism issue that is going on in America these days. One thing is our family consists of other races and I am by no means racist. You can ask anyone who knows me I will tell you that I don't care if you are pink with purple polka dots. Also we are big football fans. Normally we watch football every time it is on my husband has a favorite team I have a different favorite team and kids have different favorite teams and we just love watching football as a family. We usually have a small Super Bowl football party with just us and some good food watching and enjoying the game with each other. Although this year it has been quite different it is hard to see the teams turning against America. When the national anthem is being played out of respect for the country that you choose to live in you should stand and when I see whole teams refusing to be present during the national anthem or I see this idiotic black power sign being presented during the national anthem and people taking a knee or just not standing out of respect I have a big problem with it. My thing is if you choose to live in the United States of America then you should show respect to that country and if you don't like it then leave don't live here. When you refuse to stand for the national anthem to me it is like slapping a veteran or a soldier in the face because we live in a country where we are free to choose how to live our lives I may not agree with how you choose to live your life you may not agree on how I choose to live my life but we have that freedom because there has been people fighting for us giving up their lives and their time with their families to make sure that you have that freedom to live your life how you choose. So when you cannot give just that few minutes of respect back to a country that is giving you that freedom I find a big problem with it nobody said you have to stand and salute or put your hand over your heart or anything like that just remove your hat out of respect and stand by standing to me all that is showing is you know I respect those people that have laid their life down to fight for my freedom and I really don't think that is too much to ask especially since these football players are grown men who are supposed to be setting an example for other people and for children. It is bad enough how are kids these days are so disrespectful in the way that they treat others and how they conduct themselves to have grown men showing this lack of respect for their country is crazy to me its just nonsense. Its like grow up think about more than just yourself here and think about the lives that you are impacting. And on another note with the football players this craziness of the black community with the black power symbol that they do when they tackle someone or make a touchdown is crazy its like really if a white man on a football team made a derogatory  symbol or sign then it would just not be allowed. I would be just as offended by a white man making a symbol as I am with a black man making a symbol to me because I don't see color it's just hate is all I see. I don't think that it should be allowed and I think that when it happens there should be some kind of consequences to these actions either fine the player or bench them don't allow them to play when they don't play they don't get paid hit them in their pocket books where it really matters to them and then let it go from there and see how they act. This is a job for them that they are getting paid to do. If they were on the job at a gas station and they were throwing up race symbols then they would be fired and it would not be accepted so why is it that they feel that they have a right to throw up race symbols on the field which is their job place. Other races say that they want the races to be united and as one and equal but then they throw up race symbols and have black only or certain race only scholarships and schools and to me I feel that is wrong because if there was a white only scholarships or schools then that is not allowed because it is racist. Civil rights people fought for this movement to have every race treated equal so then how can we be truly equal when we have separate scholarships for certain races. To me it is just that right is right and wrong is wrong and if it isn't right for one race than it isn't right for all races period. I understand that America is multicultural but we have one thing that unites us and that is or should be the American language and that is English. I feel like if you live in the United States that you should have to learn to speak English. It is not our job to learn your language to make accommodations for you. You chose to come to America so you should learn our language. If I go to a foreign country they are not going to make special accommodations for me they expect for me to learn their language because I am in their country and if I don't know it then I must find my own translator and pay that person to be my voice. I can't just go anywhere in that country and expect that they should have someone that can do that for me. It would be my responsibility because I chose to go to a foreign country. So I feel that in the same respect it should not be the responsibility of businesses or people to have to know other languages to accommodate people who refuse to learn the language of the country they choose to live in. Some places won't hire a person if they are not bilingual and I don't feel that is fair because as long as you can speak English and be able to do your job then that should be enough. Also to graduate high school you have to take a foreign language class and to me that is not right I feel that it should be your choice if you want to learn a language other than English. We don't force our kids to learn sign language but yet we have a lot of deaf people in America. To me why not make that a class that is taught in school? I am going to close with that but this is juat a little insight into some of the things that are going on in America that I am acknowledging.

Faith

At church they have been preaching and teaching on building your faith. Building your faith is something that you have to do on a daily basis. You cannot wait until you are in the middle of a battle to decide that now is the time to build your faith. That is like a body builder waiting until the day of a lifting competition to decide to build up muscles. All of this makes a lot of sense to me when I think about it. Last night they talked about that you can't get healed if you don't believe in miracles. I truly believe in miracles because I have personally experienced them and I have seen them in other people's lives. I think it is awesome when someone is healed and to me there are no small miracles because I think that they are all wonderful.