When your mind races

 I told my husband yesterday that I had to start writing this blog again because if I didn't then my mind was not going to stop racing and it might actually explode. I know that there are people out there that will understand what I a talking about but, there are people out there that are probably thinking that this woman has done gone and lost what little of her mind she had left. I fully understand how this seems strange to some people but, let me try to explain a little bit. When your life has little or big stresses daily then your mind starts to focus on those stresses no matter how big or little them it is like you become overwhelmed with them and you find it hard to focus on other things. I find that it is helpful to put my thoughts and feelings down on my blog and when I get those thoughts and feelings out of my head then there is room for my mind to focus on other things. That is when I can truly see the light at the tunnel and just hope that it is not another train getting ready to run me other yet again. I guess with 10 kids you are bound to have a little stress, and then you have to factor in the health of me and my hubby, the in-laws, the out-laws, pets, friends, and life itself. Stress in any one's life is bound to happen at some time or another. Also, people deal with stress in different ways, so for me, the best way to handle all of this day to day stress is to write this blog. The reason that I put this blog online for others to read is that my hope is that someone will be able to read it and know that if they are going through similar things that they are not alone. Right now I am dealing with a child that you never know what her mood is going to be. My husband asked me the other day what was wrong with her and I told him that I didn't know I guess the wind blew. I told him if he waited a few minutes that the wind would blow again and she would be back in a good mood. Then we have a son who is a video game addict and he is never wrong. You can be the one that tells him something and he will argue with you until he is blue in the face and he will even get mad at you for even considering that he isn't right. Then I have one that wants to get his own place because he feels like people are silently judging him. I feel that there is nothing wrong with living with your parents if you have a job and you are paying your own way. I really enjoy having him here because not only does it make finances easier for us and him, he is really a big help around the house. Also, it's nice to be able to spend time with him and he is not stuck in a place somewhere alone. Then we have 2 kids that only call or come around once in a blue moon. They don't call, message, or come around on holidays or birthdays. I mean I gave it my all to raise kids only to have them basically throw it back in my face. I feel so unappreciated or respected. Not only did I step up for kids when their own mothers didn't care or want to I was really good to them and I even gave them more time than I did my own kids. I never once treated them like they were any different them my own blood in fact I treated them better because at least I was there in person for them. In fact, 2 of my own kids to this day don't have anything to do with me. I have a grandson out there that I have only seen his birth photos and I will probably never see anymore. All of this and now I have been heart broke and let down by another one of them when I thought they had truly changed and things were really different. It was like finally, they have their life together and things were starting to look up. And then the other shoe fell and it's like the wall crumbled. I guess for me the reason that I don't understand is that I have lost my mother and I have had to spend the last 10 years without her. It has been really hard because I have really had to look at myself and see where I have failed in life and where I took for granted that she would always be around when I needed her. When I needed someone to talk to other than my husband I knew that I could pick up the phone and call her. Day or night she was always there for me. Then when she was gone out of the blue, it was really hard and I would catch myself picking up the phone and calling her or thinking to myself that I couldn't wait to tell my mom what just happened, and then a catch in my heart would remind me that she was no longer here. People say that time heals all wounds but, that is not true because it may get a little easier but, the wound never truly goes away. That is why I don't understand why these kids don't want to be around me and why they take me for granted. Now Christmas is just 12 days away and I have been having some health issues and it would be so awesome if the kids would either call or stop by and just ask if there is anything that they could do to help me decorate for the holidays. Our Christmas tree is stuck on step 2 at the moment, it is up and now has lights and garland on it but, it does not have the ornaments on it yet. It is really depressing because it has never taken me this long to decorate for Christmas, any other year the day after Thanksgiving we have everything done. I haven't written on this blog for a while and I feel like all of this has just been building up in my mind and I think that is one of the reasons why I have been so emotional, depressed, and irritable lately. Sometimes it just helps to get everything out of my head and then I have more room to just breathe and smile. I hope this helps someone else to be able to know that they are not alone.

Things will never be normal

 I know it has been some time since I have been on here to write down anything and to that I am sorry. I know that in writing I find healing for myself and maybe for those that read my blog. I have had what seems like everything thrown my way here lately and I have had to stand strong with the help of my husband. I just resently  had to have an MRI with contrast done of my head. They did it because the ENT doctor thinks that I may have spinal fluid buildup in my head and he just wanted to make sure. He actually wants to rule it out and hopes that is not what is going on. We are also hoping that is not what is going on. I just want to know what it is that is making me dizzy all of the time. I have a runny nose like with alergies and watery eyes too, and also mucus but, the sad part is none of the alergiey medicine that they have given to me has worked to get rid of it. The sad part is I just want to feel like me again and here lately I just don't. I used to be this happy person and now I don't feel happy all of the time. I try really hard to be happy. It is not like anyone has done anything wrong to not make me feel happy, it is just that it feels like this sickness has zapped my joy. There are so many things that I want to do but, when it comes time to do them I find some excuse not to do it because I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I tell myself and everyone else that I am not worried but, in reality I am scared. The looming thing of my Grandmother and Mother both dying at age 65 of congestive heart failure really weighs on my mind and with every year closer that I get the fear grows. It is absolutly driving me up a wall. Not only am I stressed to the  fullest but, my husband is fully maxed out on stress. The really sad part is that we have raised 10 kids together and you would think that out of those 10 kids there would be more than just 1 or 2 that actually cares enough to help out. I know that 7 of those kids are grown and have lives and families of their own to worry about but, I don't think that it would hurt for them to every know and again to at least pick up the phone and say "hey mom I love you and I was thinking about you. How are you feeling today?" or they could at least stop by and help do something around the house. They all know that we rent our house and the people that bought our house are having it apprased and they told us that I need to get my bedroom tidied up. It is the only room that is left to be unpacked and put together. I can't do it on my own because I have dizzy spells and my husband is afraid if I do it alone I will pass out and no one will know. We have 3 kids at home but 1 works full time and the other 2 have homeschool and other that that they are lazy at times and don't care about nothing except games and tv.  Oh but let them ask for something thing and if you don't get it it is the end of the world. I ask myself a lot here lately, "where did I go wrong?" how did I raise such ungreatfull, self-centered, brats? I can't say that they are like this all the time because that is not true but a good majority of the time they are. I am not quite sure how all of this missed 1 kid but it did and for that I am greatful. I guess whenever I knew that my mom needed help I would go and help her out and I did it because that is what family is supposed to do. I tried to raise these kids like that but, it seems like the concepts that I tried to teach them totally missed them. I guess I may never know, it may be just one of life's many myseryies that go unsolved. 

End of times

These is crazy times that we are living these days. This virus is spreading like wildfire and people are dying all over the place. My heart is heavy every time I look at the news and it is heartbreaking to see how the little things that people take for granted hurt others. I am heartbroken for the kids that are seniors and they are missing out on their prom and graduation and senior pictures. All of the things that kids work so hard to get to and this milestone has been ripped out of their lives. Kids that are in 8th grade graduating to high school do not get to have their 8th-grade trip or graduation. These are all things that we take for granted and now these simple things are no more. The weather is getting warmer and friends and family cannot even get together and enjoy spending time together. Leisurely shopping is a thing of the past because we could either get infected or infect someone else. It seems as though people have lost their joy in life. Now is the time for people to come together apart and realize that we can get through this if we will only do our part and stay home. I know it seems like forever but, if we can take these few months and just enjoy the downtime and spend some quality time with the people that are in our homes maybe the family unit can be strengthened during this time together. If you are at home alone realize that you really are not alone. Get online and spend the time that way with people. There are online gaming websites that people can chat and play games together. I know that it really isn't the same as spending time with people in person but, it will allow you to feel a connection with people. If we allow ourselves to get bogged down with the circumstances that are going on in our world than we will only get depressed and dig a hole so big that we won't be able to climb out mentally. I know that this is easier said than down but, we can do this and we will do this. I have been taking time every day to deep clean different parts of my house. This is hard for me because I experience severe pain daily but, I push myself to at least do 1 thing every day. I can see the good that it is doing in my house and I really like it. People that are really used to working days and now they are not able to do that it really is affecting them but, if they use this time to catch up on things that they would normally not have the time to do then that will keep them busy. I know that doing homeschooling is hard for some people because they are not used to it but, my theory on this is to just have fun with it because our children's education is riding on what we do right now. I was already homeschooling our daughter using an online program that we pay $25 a month for and now my son is using the school's online homeschooling program for his school. My daughter loves the online school aspect but my son hates it because he would rather be in school. Like I told him though, this is only for 2 months right now and hopefully by August when school goes back to the regular setting maybe everything will be back to normal. Even going to the grocery store right now is stressful but, if you will take the time to do online shopping then it will cut out a lot of unnecessary stress in your life. I actually like to do the online shopping thing, but my husband really doesn't care about it. Although, now he is starting to see things my way. I am even not having to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medications because they are now doing free delivery. I have also created a pattern for a crocheted face mask that you can put a filter cloth into. I took some jeans that my husband had that he wanted to be cut off for jean shorts and I used them to make the filer part of the mask. Now when we have to go out of the house we at least have one safety protection in place. I am going to close for now and go plant some flowers in the planter on my front porch. I put up a bird feeder the other day and a day before that my husband repainted our birdbath and a couple of friends moved it into the front yard for me. I have also received from an online order for a harness and leash for my bearded dragon Yoda and I have taken him for a walk into our front yard. We also have a pool table on our back porch and we can go outside and at least get some fresh air and shoot pool. In a couple of weeks, we are buying a grill for the back yard and a swing. I also have a hammock chair that I need to put up in the back yard. Now is the time for us to keep our eye on the prize and enjoy our calm lives at home. I have been able to catch up on new release movies due to a free website. All in all, we will make it as long as people quit being selfish and hoarding things that they do not need that much of at one time. Keep your chin up people we got this together apart. Love and prayers for everyone. If you have anything you want to say or any comments you may have please feel free to share with others. Let's help each other with suggestions that can help us to pass the time together apart.

17 days and still counting down

Well I know that it has been a couple of day since I have written anything. That is because on Friday I had 8 back injections and I was not feeling up to much of anything. Then today I had a fibro flare up and could barely move out of bed. On a brighter note since having the knee injections my knees are feeling better. The back injections worked so I go back in a few weeks for another 8 shots and if that works then they will get authorization from my insurance to go in and burn the nerves. I can't say that I am not nervous about it because that would be a lie. In fact I am more nervous than anyone really knows because if I showed my fear then my husband wouldn't want me to do it. The reason I am doing it is because I can no longer live with the excruciating pain that I am in. Like I told my doctor, the needles hurt way less than the pain that I am already in. I also understand why my husband doesn't take the shots because everyone is different and he tried them and they didn't help him. Right now he is a bundle of nerves, between the waiting on the taxes and starting a new job tomorrow he is driving me crazy. I feel like he has a low self-esteem because even though he knows that he can do the work the fear of the unknown gets him every time. Like I tell him, if he goes and it is something that he knows that he absolutely can't do then leave. It really isn't a big deal. I mean it isn't like we will go to the poor house if he doesn't keep this job. I try to encourage him whenever I can. He is a wonderful provider and an excellent worker. He is always afraid that someone will see the brace on his leg and judge him as a crippled. Well 5am comes way to early in this house.

Things are not always as they seem

Well 18 more days and the countdown continues. We are going tomorrow to look at another house. We have it narrowed down to 2 houses. Both homes are beautiful. On another note I finished my math assignment early and over half of the rest of my math work that isn't due until Tuesday. I was really surprised that when I started working on it that it was really a lot easier than I had first realized. I guess between the pain and the fibro fog it was really messing with me last week. My other class isn't really all that bad either so I guess the next few weeks won't be so tough. My knees are feeling so much better today I am just hoping that the relief lasts long enough for me to get the gel injections because that should last at least 6-9 months. I know that doesn't seem like a long time but, when you deal with severe pain and day that is a good day is a real blessing. I go in the morning for them to see if they can give me an injection in my back to numb the nerves that are causing the pain in my back. If it works they will go in and burn or kill the nerves so I won't be in so much pain. The procedure doesn't last forever because the nerves do grow back so I would have to redo the procedure again when they eventually grow back. But, as I said any day that is a good day is worth it. Everyone is so against me having this done because foe them it caused more pain and didn't work but, everyone is different and I am hoping that it will work for me. If I don't try then I will never know. Also it can't make me feel any worse than I already feel. Sitting, standing, walking and just about anything else causes me great pain and if this helps then to me it will be worth living in pain for a few days until the procedure takes affect. I have been in pain for so long a few more day is really not going to break me. I really do miss cooking and baking for my family. Not being able to care for our home really is depressing. I mean I am a full time student and housewife but I cant even take care of the house so I am failing at that job. My husband says that he doesn't care and that I am doing my best but I can tell he is only saying that to spare my feelings. I know if I feel bad about it then he must too. He hasn't said so in some many words but I know he has to feel bad about it. He tries to work, cook, clean and take care of me and I know that it is really taking a lot out of him and I feel that he deserves so much better than that. So if I have to endure a little pain so that way I can feel better for awhile so that way I can help out then it really is the least that I can do. It was funny because the back doctor and the knee doctor both asked me why I waited so long to come in and they both got the same answer. Which was that I had been asking my doctor at every visit to get me some help and they just now did. Although I have been getting knee injections evey 6 months for quite awhile now. I told my knee doctor that too. He also told me that he couldn't give me pills of any kind because my stomach is too raw and I have ulcers. I told him that I really didn't want them anyway because it is too much jusk that would get into my system. I am hoping that they will hurry up and legalize weed because I wouldn't have a problem using that. Well goodnight for now 5 am comea way to early.

The few and the faithful

I have noticed that I have a few faithful followers who read my blog and for those of you i want to say thank you for supporting me. I don't know who you are but you do and that is all that matters. On another bright note we are down to 19 days and hopefully time will fly. On another good note i started my math assignment that is do this week and it was not as hard as i originally thought it was going to be. My mind must have been in a fibro fog because today when i read through it something just clicked and a lightbulb came on and i was like duh. So that is about all of the good news i have right now. I am writing tonight's blog on my phone because my hubby is asleep and i didn't want to wake him up. 5 am comes way to early and that is the time we get up to take our oldest to work. It gives me 15 minutes to use the bathroom and make 2 cups of coffee before i slip on my house shoes and walk out the door. Generally i come home and fall asleep for an hour before it is time to make up the middle one for school. Well today i had to be at the orthopedic clinic and i didn't really have time to fall back to sleep but i couldn't tell my body no and i fell asleep. I got to the clinic with about 30 seconds to spare. I got checked in, triaged, x-rayed, and then put in a room, received a consultant, got injections is both knees and scheduled to come back in 6 weeks for gel injections in both knees and left in 1 hour. I really like this doctor. He wants to put off surgery for as long as possible. He won't write me pain meds due to my bleeding ulcers. All of this is good things really because the pharmaceutical companies are trying to get doctor's to shove chemical filled pills down your throat and people just blindly accept every thing they say at face value. Now if our newly elected governor can get medical marijuana legalized like he wants to do then i will be extremely happy because that is all natural and it effectively takes away the pain without the health related side effects that pills have. Oh yeah another good thing happens tomorrow and i will save it for then. Good ni

A does not = 1 and B does not = 2

Ok, so today ends the 1st week of a 10-week math class. I literally hate math. I have my reasons and they are as follows; who in their right mind added shapes and letters to math, why does the terminology constantly change from year to year, why can't we just keep using the same formulas to do the math, and so much more. Personally, I feel that whoever keeps messing with math needs to be smacked in the head with a very large calculator. I just can't seem to keep up with it. I even showed my daughter who is in 7th grade (she skipped a grade and she is acing 7th-grade math) and she doesn't even understand this math. It all looks greek to me. It really is sad because I can do our own taxes every year, balance a monthly budget, and keep a household running but, I can't keep up with math classes. It makes me feel dumb at times but, I know I am not dumb and that I am really smart it is just that it really aggravates me at times. Well on a brighter note, we filled taxes yesterday and in 20 more days we will be moving into our very own place. I am over the top excited. It will be so nice to be able to walk around without running into someone or walking into everything that is piled everywhere because this place is just to small for all of our stuff and all of these people. I love each and every person that is in our home and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I just really need some space and they really do need their own space too. It will be so nice for everyone to have their rooms and for them to be able to shut their doors and have their own quiet space. I can't wait to decorate and make things nice and just be relaxed. I can't wait until we can have people over and not have to worry about being embarrassed about not having a decent place. I know that when we moved here it was just temporary but, man it has been really stressful for all of us. Our oldest compared it to serving out a jail sentence and counting down the days. I really can understand that analogy, I have never been to jail but, I can imagine that this is somewhat what it might be like. I just am going to use my remaining time to go through things and get rid of junk and concentrate on my school work. At least this will give me enough time to properly pack things up and label them so it won't be so hard on us when we move them to our new permanent place. Well, it has gotten late because I had to finish up some homework and look at what I needed to have completed by midnight and then in looking at it found that I was stressed over nothing because I had already completed everything for this week that needed to be done. I will close for now and try to write more tomorrow. I have a doctors appointment in the morning for knee injections in both knees so wish me luck.

clearing your mind

Many people use different techniques to clear their minds. I use blogging because once I get everything that is swimming around in my head out in the open I can concentrate on whatever I need to do. For instance, I am trying to do my homework but, I cannot get my mind to quiet down long enough for me to concentrate on the lessons. So, I have to take a few minutes to stop and clear all the junk out of my head. Yesterday was a bad fibro flare-up and I was in bed most of the day. I hate when that happens because I feel as though I am floating through a fog. On top of all of this, we are cooped up in a tiny little house on top of each other and that doesn't help because it is really not healthy to a person's anxiety level to have to be in everyone's face 24/7. The end is so close I can almost touch it. Tax papers are sent out and now we are just waiting for them to come in the mail and then we file and hurry up and wait for the money to hit our bank account and then we can get moved in and settled into our new home. My son told me that it is like being in jail and you are counting down the days until you are set free. I have to agree with him on that one. My husband feels bad because we are stuck in this rut but like I told him, no one is to blame it is just something that we had to do until we are able to move. I understand that everyone hates this house but, I also know that we didn't want to move a bunch of times while waiting to be able to move into the house that we are buying. It's crazy because it seems like my mind is consumed with nothing but, the new house. I dream about it and everything. On another note, I just finished 2 more classes in my college journey. I finished both classes with a B. I was not happy about it because I wanted to get all A's but, I have to be content to know that I did my best and I did receive a good grade. Another thing that is consuming my thoughts right now is that I am in extreme pain due to back problems and fibro. I went to the pain doctor and they want to try a procedure that involves injecting lidocaine into the facet joints to numb the nerves to see if that helps the pain. If that works they want to burn the nerves to block the pain for about 6-12 months. I did some online research about this and they claim that it is 60%-80% effective on most patients. Although, I have talked to some people that say they had it done and it did not help them and that after the procedure they were in more pain. I am extremely nervous about this because I just really want the pain to ease up because it is getting to a level that is unbearable for me. I really don't know what to do but, I do know that they have the procedure scheduled for Jan. 31st. at 9AM. I feel like if I don't agree with the procedure then they are not going to help me with controlling the pain and then I will just have to sit in constant pain for the rest of my life.  Well, I better close, for now, I have school work to do and putting it off will not get it done.

When you are at the end of your rope

Have you ever felt like you are at the end of your rope and the knot that you tied to hold onto is slowly coming undone? I am feeling that way now. It's like I can see the end of this bad stuff is in sight and the good stuff is getting close, but I am slowly slipping downward. First off the fibromyalgia and all the other chronic pain is really starting to get to me. I can't seem to be able to do anything. I have trouble even doing simple things that most people take for granted. For instance, cleaning the house, cooking, bathing, changing clothes, or walking around the house. It seems like whenever I do anything it just further aggravates the pain and makes it worse. There is not one doubt in my mind that my husband doesn't love me because I know he does. Although, at times I don't think that he understands how much pain I am really in. It's not like with other illnesses that you can look and see that there is something wrong. With this nobody can see the pain and only I can feel it. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. I went to the pain doctor yesterday. It was a long time coming because I have been asking to be sent to one for a long while now and I had to pretty much beg my doctor to send me to one. Because of stupid insurance policies is that you have to get a referral from your primary care doctor before you are able to go. Because of all the issues that I am having with my doctor, I have found a new one and I will be going to my first appointment with them in the first week of February. I asked the doctor repeatedly to get me referrals for various specialists and it took her forever to get me to them and then she didn't do it until I had to call and asked about them. Also, she did lab work on me about 2 weeks ago and when the results came back that my vitamin B12 shot is doing its job by keeping my B12 levels at a normal range she decided that she is not going to give me anymore. This is not good news for me because my body has a had time with creating the vitamins that it needs on its own so that is why they originally put me on the B12 injections and vitamin D. Well my vitamin D is still low so she refilled my Vitamin D so that is good but, I know that I am just going to be more and more tired without the shot. I already suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome and it is really hard to even stay awake as it is but, now it is going to get worse again. I hate when a doctor changes up my medicine without good reason. I feel like I should know if something is working or not because it is my body and I know how I feel. That's just like when I was in Russell Springs, the doctor there took me off of my Ibuprophen and Gabipinton. I was on them for a reason and it's called pain. Well, they cut me off cold turkey for no reason. Now I have to go on the 31st to have the nerves in my back burnt. Then on top of all of this, I have really bad knees but, they don't want to do knee replacement surgery right now because they said I am still young and they don't want to have to do multiple surgeries on my knees. So, every 6 months I have to see an orthopedic surgeon to have cortisone injections in both knees. They have already done the gel injections in both knees and that wore off quicker than they wanted it to. I was told at my last visit that they may have to fit my knees for some kind of brace. I finally got my doctor to get me a referral to ortho and I see them on the 29th. Then I also have psoriasis and eczema and I have to see a dermatologist every 3 months for a steroid shot to keep it under control because if not I have severe plaque build up on my elbows, ankles, hands, scalp, and face. When the plaque flakes off it is raw under it and the skin burns. Apparently, the dermatologist is packed because they couldn't get me in until the 1st part of March. I also am supposed to be getting referred to a cardiologist for my heart, a rheumatologist for my fibro and a psychologist and or therapist for depression, bipolar, PTSD, insomnia, OCD, panic attacks, and anxiety. Also, they are supposed to get me into a pulmonologist for my COPD, asthma, and sleep apnea. I am on a breathing machine and I need to have the settings adjusted because they are too low and it feels like I am not getting enough air whenever I do fall asleep. Oh, and let's not forget about a gastrointestonalogist because the found out that I have ulcers and diverticulitis. The stomach doctor put me on Carafate for the ulcers and this doctor that I am seeing wants to ask me why I am on it and when I told her she wants to ask me if I am really sure I need to be on it. I was so aggravated with her because I felt like duh why would a stomach doctor put me on something that I don't need. They did a colonoscopy and an endoscopy and the images clearly showed that I had ulcers and that parts of my stomach are raw and bleeding. Then she wants to question me? I was just like, "wow"! I hate explaining something and then being question like I am too stupid to know what is really going on with my health. Clearly, it is not like I woke up one morning and decided, "Hey, ya know what? I think I want to have all these things wrong with me. I think I will rack up a bunch of doctors and get them to play along too". I mean really? I do have better things to do then to spend all my time juggling around doctors' appointments all over town. I would love for all of this to just go away so that way I could feel somewhat normal again. I feel like all of this is taking over and slowly I am losing myself. It seems like every time I go to the doctor I have to feel out papers that ask all kinds of questions about my feelings and one of the questions is, "do you ever feel like you are better off dead or do you have thoughts of committing suicide"? Well, the answer to that is NO!! I don't want to die. In fact, I think that death is one of my biggest fears. I think that when my mom passed away that is when I really started fearing death. This is because my grandma passed away at age 65 and then my mom passed away at age 65. Both of them died from congestive heart failure. When I turned 40 I started to have trouble with my heart and a heart doctor told me that from the tests she ran that it looks as though I had a slight heart attack last year. All of this has really been a weight on my shoulders that I just can't seem to shake. I know all of this really bothers my husband and he worries but, I can see that at times he gets frustrated and feels like he has everything dumped on him. I don't think that it is fair to him because marriage is supposed to be 50%-50%, but with me having really bad days it falls all on him. I know that we have 3 kids at home and I can't say that they don't help out because they do but, most of the time they only do things when they are told or asked to do them. My husband just wants them to see that something needs to be done and do it without him having to point everything out. Then there are a lot of times that he will point out what needs to be done and they act like it is the end of the world for them to have to do it, but if they want something they are sure quick to ask. Having been hurt by the rest of the kids my husband is having a hard time trusting and even though these 3 have tried to prove to him that they are different he still treats them at times like they are going to be no different and that they too will leave and not talk to him. Sometimes no matter how hard they try he still has that wall of protection because he doesn't want to be hurt anymore. I fully understand why he feels this way. I just wish that he could see that hopefully this time things will be different. Life isn't easy. Sometimes life is extremely hard and not knowing and the what-ifs can really throw you for a loop sometimes. Even though all of this I just have to keep telling myself that I have made it this far and I am not going to give up now no matter how many times I fall I am going to keep getting back up and brushing myself off and keep moving forward.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Is the light at the end of the tunnel another train?

It always seems like whenever you finally see the end in sight the other shoe drops and that bright light turns out to be a bigger train. I just want for once that the light at the end is actually the sunshine shining on us and something good comes out of it. We are going this morning to look at a rent to own home that is 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, full finished basement, building in the back yard, garage, and fenced in yard on a corner lot. We can afford it, we just have to wait a little time until we get our taxes filed and back. It is all just a waiting game right now. Sometimes I get a little down waiting but, I just have to remind myself that it is all going to work out. Sometimes it aggravates me because I see all of these people using go fund me and tik tok to get money for bills and if I ask for anything I just get ignored. The only thing is we only need $600 to hold this home for us until we get our taxes back. Let me state right now that I am not talking about people raising money for emergency medical bills or a funeral I am talking about bill money. Another thing that upsets me is that it seems like on every street corner you see someone holding a sign begging for money. My husband is disabled and he is not supposed to be working and he gets out there every day and busts his butt trying to make a living for our family and then to see someone who is clearly able to work is just standing there holding a sign expecting people to just throw money at the for nothing. I know that sometimes people get down on their luck and they are only looking for a hand up and not a handout. But, when you see all of these people using the system it just really gets on my last nerve. Yes, there is a time when I have a couple dollar in cash I will give it to people because I will an urging that it is what needs to be done but, then there are others where all I feel is disgust at the waste of a life not wanting better for themselves. I have 2 nephews who get SSI and there is nothing wrong with them, they can work they are just too lazy to make something of themselves. I have been fighting to get my disability since 2014 and I keep getting turned down even though I have doctors stating that I am not able to hold down a job. The system is just so frustrating. Hopeful this time will be different and I will get approved. Again, it is just a waiting game that I am tired of playing. I went to the doctor on Monday and she made a lot of referrals for me to see specialists and she wrote me a ton of prescriptions. I have waited for 2 days now and the pharmacy still doesn't have them filled so, today I have to call the pharmacy and find out what is going on. I am out of medications that I really need and cannot function without them. I really don't like the pharmacy that I am using right now and I plan on changing just as soon as we move. 2 months ago they gave my husband his dad's medicine and charged his insurance and then a couple of days later they call him to tell him about the "mix up" and asked him to either bring the medication back or give it to his dad. Then my husband's doctor sent over his prescriptions with refills on some and one was a prescription for 2 months on 2 separate prescriptions well, they fill the first month's prescriptions and then the next month when we went to pick up his medicine they had deleted his refills. So, we had to call the doctor to get them to resend the prescriptions over. Then when he picked up his medicine they put the wrong prescription in the bag, it didn't match what was on the paperwork. It really seems like they have their heads up their butt. You would think that being in charge of people's medicine which can be a life or death situation that they would be more careful and responsible that what they are. Come to find out we are not the only ones who have problems with them. Writing this blog helps to clear my mind and help me to not feel so overwhelmed with all the problems that life throws at me. I write it in hopes that someone will read it and know that they are not alone.

Have your deadbeats spade or neutered

Yesterday I was so upset and aggravated about how the child support system in our country is set up. It by no means is set up to help the children but, is more set up to protect the rights of the deadbeats. More and more grandparents are having to step up and care for their grandchildren and the number grows daily. It is said that our country chooses not the help the grandparents financially. We were told that the absent deadbeat now owes us $5000 and the state $15,000. There is an active felony warrant against the deadbeat but, they still have not arrested him. Even though they know where he works at they have still failed to arrest him on this outstanding warrant. He has been on the run for years now and they still are not doing anything to solve the problem. Now if the tables were turned and it was my husband and I then most definitely they would have already put us under the jail. We were also informed that since we are receiving assistance which is $225 for 2 kids a month that we are not entitled to the backpay that we are owed by a said deadbeat. So you mean to tell me the times that when we did not receive the assistance and he was court-ordered to pay us that now he doesn't have to pay us the money until said child reaches 18 and is no longer eligible for assistance that then we can collect our money if he chooses to pay us? This to me does not seem quite fair. The only people that the state is really hurting are the child, not the adults. Oh and let me add here that the deadbeat only owes us for one child because only one is his. He is ordered to pay $180 a month for one child and the assistance that we receive is $225 for 2 children. We were told that if we wanted to receive the $180 a month that he pays once in a blue moon when he feels like it that all we have to do is stop receiving assistance. Let me see, we get a guarantee of $225 a month or drop that and get $180 once or twice a year when he feels like it. Yeah like my older son said, "a bird in the hand is worth more than 2 in the bush". Yeah I know he isn't the original author of that line but, that is what he said this morning about this situation. So my whole thoughts on this matter are, Everyone should help control the idiot population have your deadbeats spade or neutered. Maybe this will help the taxpayers save money in the long run. And while we are talking about saving taxpayers money what is up with leaving people who have been sentenced to the death penalty in prison for years waiting to die? Then on top of that, we give them a last meal of whatever they want. I feel that it is a waste of food because they are just going to die anyway. Wouldn't it be better to give that food to people who are hungry? Then last night I hear that States are trying to go against the 2nd Amendment and keep people from having guns. Well hello, our county was founded on the Amendments and they are the supreme law and the government cannot go against the amendments. It is clearly our Godgiven right to bear arms and I do not feel that it is legal for the government to think that they can take our rights away. Ok I guess I have angry ranted enough for toady.

Chatty Charles

Man, so much has happened since I last made a post. We are living in what I call transitional housing. By that, I mean that we are living in a 2 bedroom house in the ghetto. We are counting down the days until we get our taxes back so that way we can put a down payment on a 5 bedroom rent to own house in a good neighborhood. Also, I have gone back to college. I am studying to get my Bachelor's degree in Business Administration with a specialization in Entropanuralship. I am in a Science class right now that I hate with a passion. I have no idea what Science has to do with my degree but, I'm taking it and I hate it. I believe that I have complained about it every day for the past 3 weeks. Thank god I only have 2 and a half weeks left of it. My graduation date is exactly 1 year away and I will be very glad because I want to say that I have actually completed what I started. Christmas has come and gone and it was okay I guess. For some reason, it just didn't feel like it should. I mean we went through the motions of putting up the tree, decorating, wrapping gifts, exchanging gifts and dinner but, it just felt like something was missing. We were financially able to get each other the things that we wanted to and that was a nice feeling. I love being able to see something that I think someone would like and being able to get it for them. We got his mom a red purse with studs on it and I thought that she was going to cry. She absolutely loved it and she shows it off to everyone she sees. She told me that it is the nicest purse that she has ever had. We also got his dad a leather coat that was lined with sherpa and he loved it. He put it on and wore it around the house. He is so proud of his jacket. That made me feel really good to be able to do something for someone that meant so much to them. We got Kia-Leigh art supplies, clothes, and a Chromebook. Dalton got a PS4, games, and clothes and Luther got a jacket, blanket and beard supplies. I was able to get my hubby a 357 magnum, clothes, and various other things and he got me a Chromebook, a laptop, clothes, a purse, a 380 gun, boots and a lot of other things. I know that Christmas is about more than presents but, I like buying things for others. We had a shooting on the street where we are right now and someone got shot this time. We have heard gunshots almost every night for about 3 weeks now. The police had the street blocked off and for us, it was just to close to home. The other morning I woke up and fixed myself a cup of coffee and took it with me to the bathroom because I needed to use the potty. I was sitting there with my coffee in one hand and my vape in the other and I just started laughing because I thought of how many times when dad was alive that he would go to the bathroom every morning with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It is funny how memories like that just pop up out of nowhere. It seems like every time my hubby calls his mom she and his dad are always playing cards. They play rummy all the time. Well since Christmas now that we have 2 computers me and my hubby play canasta online all the time. I was laughing about it earlier and I told him that while his mom and dad play cards old school we have gone high tech with our card games. It is so funny how things have changed so much in the world. We were talking about how it seems that you really don't have to leave your house for anything anymore. You can work from home, order food to be delivered, have your groceries delivered, pay bills online and do online banking. I told him that it doesn't bother me really because I don't like to get out much anymore because of my many illnesses. Some days are good and then others I can't even get out of bed. Well, I think that my hubby is getting sleepy because he is getting really chatty. When he gets like this we call him Chatty Charles. It is a running joke that I and the kids have. So I am going to close for now and since I have more time on my hands I am going to start writing more and even try to finish the book that I started years ago. I am going to try and use this year as a time to complete things that I have started.