Nervous snacking

Here lately I have a huge problem with nervous snacking.  My nerves are shot and life seems to be really kicking me while I'm down.  I feel on edge at all times and I have to find ways to keep my hands busy because otherwise I will have no fingernails or I will constantly be eating snacks.   I am not at all happy at bout it either.  My doctor won't prescribe anything and I don't understand why because  in Florida I was on something and cold turkey I'm not now.  I  have tried yoga, deep breathing and stuff like that but nothing helps. I  am now crocheting a blanket for my husband and sometimes that doesn't even help. My insides shake and my legs and hands shake and at times it feels as though I am losing my mind.  Talks with my daughter in Florida help because she understands what I am going through. Grief sucks really bad.  I want to leave this state because it really does depress me everytime I live here in fall further into a depression. It is not healthy for anyone to live life this way. I would love to be at least simi normal. Even my kids are not happy living here and the schools are terrible.  Something has got to give and soon or I feel as though I  might lose what little I have left of my mind and soul. I need help and I don't know where to turn because the counselor didn't help she suggested coping skills that I have already tried that don't help. I  just want to be in a place where I am happy and I feel as though I am not just existing but yet I really am living life. I am tired of crying on a daily basis and feeling alone. I am supposed to be the strong one not this weak and useless piece of nothing.   Soon hopefully soon things will change for the better. Right now I am homeschooling the kids because of the schools here and I feel like I am a failure at that because I suddenly feel at a loss. I want the kids to be in school and to have fun and enjoy life as children should but here that isn't possible because the school isn't as it should be.  I just am just holding onto the hope that soon we can leave this God forsaken place and move to where we can all be happy and really enjoy life again like we used to.

Grief

Grief washes over you in waves crashing though the very depths of your soul.  One minute you feel fine and the next you feel as though your beating heart is being violently ripped from your chest.  The ones that should have your back because you have always had theirs seem to disappear right before your very eyes. You feel so alone even in a crowded room full of people.  When will this ever end? Just when you feel like you are learning to cope and things are getting better after years of dealing with this pain another death occurs and the feelings rush right back only this time even more intense because you find out that you really are alone. So many questions keep swirling though your mind. All of the why's, and now what's flow through your very being. Sometimes it claws at your soul ripping away the little life that you feel that you have left. When will this ever end? When will all the pain just end?  I really don't understand why all of this is happening to me because I thought I had lived a fairly good life and did mostly the right thing but then things like this happen and it is like both legs get kicked out from under you.  Now as you crawl around because you can't seem to stand back up. It hurts way to bad. When will all the people that you have been there for their whole lives be there for you?  Why does it seem that people turn their backs on you when you really need them the most? I am full of questions and really so confused.  I feel as though I have lost sight of what my purpose in life is. I just feel like I seem to exist.   Day to day and minute to minute I feel as though I am just going through the motions of life without knowing what is going to strike me next. My heart feels like the wall is growing taller around it and that now it is covered with thorns.  Will I ever be the same again? Will I ever be truly happy again? When will someone full heartedly be there for me as I have been there for them? What have I done that has been so wrong to deserve to be suffering through all of this pain? These are just a few of the many questions trickling through my muddled brain.  Why, when and how?

Kids

Ok so I love all my kids with all of my heart. I am always available for them so if they need me I am here for them. Call me anytime and I  will be an ear to listen to them, a shoulder to cry on or whatever.  Sometimes though I  don't understand them at all. It seems as though they get passed at me for not reason at all or at least for reasons that they don't tell me so q stay constantly in the dark about where our relationship stands. It puts a lot of stress on me and I don't know why I do this to myself.  I want my kids to be happy and I hate when they are not. I am not a pushy mom either because I don't try to make them be in a relationship with me. If they don't want to talk to me I don't push them. They are grown and they have to realize that life is short and they won't get the time back that they are losing when they are not speaking to me. I stay confused and I hate feeling like I am not good enough for my children.   I missed out on a lot of time being spent with my mom because I was stubborn and I wanted things my way. I mean I still talked to her but I should have been there for her more than I was and I have to live with those regrets for the rest of my life because she is gone now and I cannot get that back. I also have regrets about my dad because in the end I thought that he didn't want to talk to me and I stopped calling him. I wish I would have just swallowed my pride and called him and went to see him. I let so much crap stand in the way and now he is gone and I can't get that back. I just don't want my kids to have to go through life with regrets because it will eat at you every day for the rest of your life.

Life

So far life I guess is getting better or should I say easier to handle or cope with.  Some days I feel like I am going through the motions while others I feel like I am enjoying life.  Last night I dreamed stupid dreams like I dreamed my husband cheated on me which is crazy because he would never do that because that is one of his many pet peeves.  Well in my dream I am so totally passed off that when I woke up to the alarm going off and I had to wake him for work I was still passed off and I was like get up for work. Usually I  am nicer than that. He asks can you make the coffee and I was like I guess so I  get up and go to the bathroom and then go to the kitchen to make coffee and I am still mad and I am giving him dirty looks and he doesn't even realize that I am mad at him for a dream. So I am making our coffee and I am telling myself what is wrong with you it was a dream that he has no control over and you know he would be never do that so get a grip and wipe it from your mind, which I did and then I was fine but could you imagine if I didn't wow that was just a strange feeling for me and I really didn't like it at all. I on different note, people like actors and famous people are mad because Donald Trump is now the president and they were all like they were going to leave the country because he won. I am like we'll bye because that is so retarded.  People come to this country because theirs is so terrible but since they didn't get their way they are leaving well I guess your country wasn't so bad then after all if you are going to act like a spoiled brat who lost the game so you are taking your ball and going home. Well all I can say is good luck with that.  People always complain when someone new takes office. Not everyone is going to be happy with every choice that is made but you know what it is time to put on our big kid pants and act like adults. Suck it up buttercup it's 4 years and then we get to vote again.  Look at all the past presidents there has always been problems and we are always going to have problems so get over yourselves and if you think you will be so much happier in a foreign country then bye and don't hit your butt on the boarder on the way out. And when things get tough there or better here don't act like you want to come back because you walked out remember that.  Another thing that is on my nerves right now is the Black Lives Matter crap. Well hello all lives matter not just one race and color.  Whites fought to end slavery just as much as the blacks so let's get that straight and you know what that happened in the past so let's move on and get over it. I think that people just want something to argue and fight about.  Every color and race has problems so quit acting like babies and get over it. If people would start dealing with their own issues and stop getting into everyone else's business people would be less stressed and a lot happier.   One last grip before I close,  homeless beggars and homeless vets, veterans get a check from the government and wounded vets get paid accordingly so I don't see how they are not making it without being on the streets and for them to be begging for money rides my last nerve. And bums begging is a disgrace, if you are able to stand on a street corner and beg for money then you are able bodied enough to get a job and work.  If my husband and I can make it with a family to support then a single man or woman has no excuse why they can't make it without standing on the corner and bumming. Yes we have had hard times but we have always found a way to make it. People need to quit making excuses and stand up for themselves and make it. Yes sometimes people may need a hand up and there is nothing wrong with that but standing on the corner bumming is no excuse and a disgrace.

Death of a parent

My dad pass away on Janney 7th 2017. It hit me harder than I really thought it would.  Because my mom passed away January 3rd 2010 I thought that I would have been better able to cope with his passing.  I was sadly mistaken.  I am still feeling the affects of grief.  Depression sits like a blanket of fog all around me. I  feel as though I am going through the motions of living but I am not happy with life. No I don't want to die because I love my family I just don't feel joy right now and I can't seem to shake this.  I  want to move forward but thoughts and what if's drag my mind in reverse and the if only's dig at me also like nails on a chalkboard they grated at my soul.  My family needs mee and I feel selfish for not being able to move forward with life.  My dad and I had our problems but we never stopped loving each other.  I may have gotten angry at situations and said stupid things to my husband or myself but I didn't say them to him.  He lived life to me in strange ways that I didn't always understand. He died in a way that I was pained to hear. He had lung cancer due to years of smoking. He knew the risks of his actions but he kept on smoking.  He watched his sister die of stomach cancer a few years ago so he knew the horrors of cancer.  When they found the spot on his lung he chose to turn a blinds eye to it and that always confused me. There is no doubt in my mind that he loved God and his family.  When he learned new things about religion he was more than eager to share it with us. I didn't always agree with him but I never let him know because he really believed it and I didn't want to affect his faith.  I  had stopped calling him in the last few months but I didn't know that those would be his last few months.  I had thought that he was mad at me calling all the time but I guess he was just upset because he knew he was dying and he wanted to see us. I wish he would have told me but I can't go back in time and change the past. I am now going to live life with no regrets.  If I have something to say I am going to say it. I want to live life and spend time with people who mean the world to me.  Life is so short and unexpected and I don't want to have anymore regrets. Now I just need to get over and or thru this funk.  It is really weighing on me and I don't like the way I feel.  Even though I have my husband and my children I feel alone and abandoned.  I wish that I could have gotten to tell my mom and my dad just one last time how much I love them but I feel as though that was stolen from me and I can't wrap my brain around it.  I just want to warn people to not take for granted the people who are still living and are part of their life. Make sure you tell them you love them because believe me you don't want to have to go through the rest of your life with regrets and I  wish and what if and if only. Theses things will haunt your dreams and over power your thoughts. 

Bordem

My mother always told me that intelligent people do not get bored because they are always smart enough to find something to occupy their time. She also told me that I was intelligent.  I tell my children this also.  For one I think it lets them know that they are smart and gives them self confidence.  And two it gives me a way to keep them from telling me that they are bored.  Trust me after hearing that enough you will stop saying it.  Even as an adult I still get to where I don't know what to do and I can hear my mother in my ear saying, "intelligent people don't get bored and you are intelligent so find something to do".  I really miss my mom at times like these.  I really think that is another reason that I miss my daughter Sarah so much is because we are to a point that we are friends and it is really nice to be able to sit down with another adult female and talk and know that person isn't judging you and they are not going to go spill your business to someone else.  Being able to write this blog allows me to be able to get out everything that is in my head and makes me be able to breathe a little easier.  Because when everything stays bottled up inside it really does drive a person crazy.  Here is a fact for you, people that don't get enough vitamin C, like from the sun, are more depressed than people who get tons of sun.  They did a study on it and it is really true.  I have also found that it is true for me personally because since being back in Kentucky especially during the winter months I have been more moody and depressed and when I tell my doctor the only thing she can do is up a dose and add another depression medication.  And they always ask the same question, do you have thoughts of suicide, harming yourself or others?. I am like no, I love myself to much to kill myself and even if I did have thoughts like that I sure wouldn't tell you so you can have me locked up.  Although I only say no to her, I only think the rest.  And yes I have thoughts of harming others especially when they get on my last nerve but, like I am ever going to tell my doctor that because it is not like I am ever going to do anything to anyone. The only way I would ever hurt someone is if they hurt my family and I think most people are like that.  People don't usually feel comfortable talking to their doctors about how they really feel because of fear of being judged negatively.  I try real hard not to judge others because Lord knows that I am far from perfect.  I tell my husband all the time when he says something about someone, "are you sleeping with them or do they live with you? no well then mind your own business and you will be less stressed and a whole lot happier".  People think that they need to be all of in everyone else's business but really they don't.  Just because you know someone or are friends with someone and you don't agree with what they do or whatever doesn't make their like your business.  If they do things that you don't like when you go out or they say things that you don't like then don't be their friend or go around them.  If you have to be around them then just agree to disagree and keep the air neutral.  I think sometimes people make life harder than it really has to be.  People feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion where the other person wants it or not when in reality everyone would be happier if they lived their own lives and unless asked for they kept their opinions to themselves.  People say everyone has an opinion just like everyone has a nose.  Well since we already have a nose then we sure don't need another one so keep your bugger nose to yourself and maybe you will have a long and happy life.  Because intelligent people don't get bored and stick their noses where they don't belong.

Another day in my world

My husband likes to drive a cab because it is something that he can do to make good money and it really doesn't take a lot out of him.  I used to drive cab, which I don't mind doing, it is just that I have so many other things going. For instance, I am home schooling the kids right now and it is a disaster.  My mother was so good at it and I am only doing it because the kids truly were not doing good in this school but, it is like they do not appreciate the fact that I have put everything on hold just for them.  They fight me on everything that give them to do and I try my best on making learning fun and not boring.  For instance, yesterday since it is the first day back after Christmas break I decided to give them a placement exam for their grade level so I could see where they are so I would know what I needed to teach them so they will be on grade level for this and next year because I don't want them to get behind because of me.  Well one thing was a writing assignment and they threw the biggest fit ever because they hate to write.  I even tried to make the writing assignment as easy as possible by making the topic choices something that they liked and would be easy for them to write about.  Boy did that fly over like a lead balloon.  After pitching a fit for about an hour and me going to my room to let them cool off and for me to gather my thoughts they finally broke down and did the assignment and it was done really good.  Now I know what needs to be done in English. Now today they are going to do a math test and I am not looking forward to it because I do not want a repeat of yesterday.  It seems like whenever I get an assignment together to teach they start in with, we already know that, it is just stressful for me and it should not be this hard.  If they would just be kids and roll with whatever I give them it would be so much easier for all of us.  I love creating things to teach that go along with a field trip because I like hands on but, this group acts like you are asking them for blood or something because again they fight me on everything.  Sometimes I feel as though somewhere I have went wrong and it is all my fault, I know that in a way sounds crazy but, isn't it the parents fault if the kids don't turn out right?  I am really confused because out of the 10 kids that I have helped to raise I just hope that some of them can say that their Mom wasn't a screw up and I have actually done something right.  I do feel that after all that we have been through my older daughter now is my friend and knows that everything that I have ever done in her life was for her own good and that I love her with all my heart.  I only want the best for all of my children because I don't want them to have to go through the mistakes that I have made in my life.  I wouldn't go back in time and change things because to do that may mess up who I am so that wouldn't be a good thing so yeah I would leave things the way they are and just learn and try to teach my kids from my past. So for now it is like my life is on hold while I again put my kids first and I just want a little appreciation from them for all I do.  Sometimes though I wonder if that is ever going to happen.

Bubble bathes are overrated!

OK so I think that bubble bathes are way overrated.  You just sit there in bubbles bored out of your mind. People say oh but they are so relaxing and help melt away the stress.  Not for me they don't, I sit there and my mind races doing ninety like a kid with ADHD.  Then sitting for a while I start getting leg cramps and then my butt goes numb and then the bubbles start to disappear and then I am left sitting in cold water. I decided to take a book with me to read but I forgot to take my glasses with me and I couldn't remember where they are so I couldn't get one of the kids to bring them to me either. I also took my drink with me but it got hot sitting. Then I couldn't get my mind to slow down to even rest.  I thought about taking a nap in the tub but, I was afraid I would drown in the water. That is definitely not the way I want to go, naked in a tub of water. Sitting there all I could think of was all the stuff that I need to do but, I don't have  the energy to do. Like finish the last load of laundry, switch my clothes out of my old dresser and into my new dresser so I can put Dalton's clothes into my old dresser after I go through them to see what still fits him.  If my body had even half the energy that my mind does I would be really doing good.  I am by no means Martha Stewart or Susie Homemaker but my home is clean, cluttered but not dirty.  I have awesome ideas and plans although sometimes the energy is just not there to complete or even start them.  So as I sat in the bubble bath resting with my mind racing, just thinking about everything that need to be done or that I wanted to do, that I became even more depressed about not doing or being able to do it.  Life sometimes makes me want to scream.  I am bored with all that is going on or not going on. I feel stuck in Kentucky with life seeming to be on hold and it seems like not being able to live because we miss home so much. Then there is this house that seems to always need cleaning because the older the kids get the worse they are at helping to keep their things picked up.  The lack of sunshine is causing me to be further depressed, which is a scientific proven fact. So for me bubble bathes do nothing for me, but sitting in the sun refreshes me and that is why it is better for me to live in the tropical state of Florida than in the depressing state of Kentucky and why bubble bathes are overrated.