Parent teacher meeting

Ok so I went to meet with Daltons teachers and the principal because he is failing almost all of his classes. He is very unorganized when it comes to bringing his supplies to class. All of his teachers said that they real like him and that he does not have any behavior problems. I went to the truck after the meeting and I broke down and cried because I feel like as a mother I failed him somehow somewhere. But then after thinking about it I know that it was not something that I personally did it's just that he learns differently and needs the extra help. I am by no means ashamed of this at all and the school so extremely helpful. It just also made me more angry at my step daughter because of her drug use and alcohol use while she was pregnant with him knowing that this could potentially hurt him and then now her still being selfish and continuing to do the things that she does. I just have to breathe and Let It Go and it is extremely hard for me right now. This is just another step to raising children it's not something that I have ever had to go through because all of our other children did fine and school and now I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around something new. I know that my husband will handle this better than I have because he had to deal with a learning disability and I love him as I love my son and I by no means feel that he is any less of a person because people don't understand that just because you learn differently makes you ignorant. All of my children are intelligent and just because they learn differently does not make evening any of them any less in my eyes. I might eventually need to sit down and talk to someone about how I'm feeling because I don't want to get overwhelmed. I don't want to go and see a psychiatrist and be put on medication and junk like that I just want to sit down with someone so they can spiritually advise me on how I need to handle the situation. I I am feeling better as far as how I feel about myself I keep the house clean and have dinner waiting on my husband and children when I get home and then I spend time with them after they get home. I don't seem to find joy in the things that I used to find joy in like going and getting my nails done and stuff like that which I guess is a growing for me I don't know. Now I just have to wait and sit down and talk to Dalton and let him know that the meeting with his teachers went good and that they're going to get him some help with school so that way he can get his education and do good because he really does want to do good in school and I think it really bothers him because he's trying so hard and he doesn't understand the work and he gets frustrated and I can understand that because as an adult I get frustrated when I can't do something so I can understand how he can as a sixth grader get frustrated.

In a funk

Lately I feel like I am in a funk that I am having trouble shaking. I am going to church, reading my Bible and praying but I still cant seem to shake it. I feel like if I had something to do then maybe that would change the way I feel. Not having anything to do all day every day wears on a person. I kbow that people who are always busy would say that having a day with nothing to do would be awesome but believe me after a while of having nothing to do it gets real boring real fast.  I have really got to find something to do because I hate this feeling.  On another note my husband keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and I think that I want a laptop because I think that I want to start writing again. Also I think that it would help my blog.

Another day

So yesterday I was ranting about my stepdaughter being in jail and I wanted to clarify something. I do still love my stepdaughter because a mother loves unconditionally. I by no means agree with her lifestyle and I don't know if our relationship can ever go back to the way that it once was because there was a time that we were really close but she has broken my trust because of the way that she has come against me and hurt me. All the while I have tried to be on her side and do everything I could to help her. I have really been hurt by her and I have raised her 2 kids since birth and she acts like she doesn't even appreciate it. She only wants to be a part of the kids life and a part of our family when it is convenient for her or she wants something from us. I have to protect these kids from her destructive behavior.  I just feel that at age 27 it is time to put on your big girl panties and grow up and think about someone other than yourself. If you are not willing to do that then you need to woman up and allow the kids to move on and quit trying to hold them back. You made the choice not to be their mother when you chose yourself and drugs over them. They have a good life with us. I do not talk bad about her to the kids but I do not hide anything from them. They know that she bounces from man to man and she is on drugs and that she is now in jail. She had a guy friend of hers call us and give us orders not to tell the kids that she is in jail and I sent word back to her that the kids know and they are my kids and I am in charge not her. I feel that if I am bot honest with her about how I am feeling then it isnt good. We cant move forward if I am always having to walk on egg shells around her and put her feelings first. I refuse to put her before my kids and their feelings or my feelings anymore. This is something I have to do for my family.

Feeling not myself

Here lately I feel so not myself. I'm happy it's not bad it's just that I used to feel so productive as a person and I don't feel that now. Whenever I have things to do it feels so hard to just get the motivation to do anything. It's like I don't find enjoyment and things the way I used to and I really don't like feeling this way. I don't even really know how to fix this. I feel like I don't have the energy or the desire to just live life. What I mean by living life is just enjoying doing things not wanting to die because I do want to live. I used to enjoy cooking, and arts and crafts, and decorating our home and it seems like now I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more than sit and do nothing. It's like I have all of these ideas that I want to do but it's like I just can't make myself get up and do anything. I feel down on myself right now because I have gained 50 pounds over this year I was down to a size 17 and now I am back up to a size 22 this makes me so mad at myself I just don't know what to do. I do not want to gain anymore weight I want to lose weight I want to be under 200 lb and now I am up to 244 pounds and I am so mad at myself. It's not like I am eating everything that isn't nailed down I really don't eat a lot so I really don't know why I'm gaining weight and it scares me. I am so thankful that my husband has been healed of his back issues he was prayed for on Sunday and he is feeling so much better I am also thankful that he has a job that he enjoys and the hours are awesome for our family we are now able to attend church Sunday morning Sunday night and Wednesday night and that is really awesome because it is an answer to prayers. It is also helping us to become financially stable and to get things that we need for home and for our family. We are faithful with our ties and offerings to church and that is really important to us. We are able to have car insurance paid and also now we have took the step and have life insurance which was important to my husband to have to take care of our family. It's not that we ever want to have to use life insurance but what I mean by living life is just enjoying doing things not wanting the die because I do want to live. I used to enjoy cooking, and arts and crafts, and decorating our home and it seems like now I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more than sit and do nothing. Its like I have all of these ideas that I want to do but its like I just can't make myself get up in do anything. I feel down on myself right now because I have gained 50 pounds over this year I was down to a size 17 and now I am back up to a size 22 this makes me so mad at myself I just don't know what to do. I do not want to gain any more weight I want to lose weight I want to be under 200 pounds and now I am us to 244 pounds and I am so mad at myself. Its not like I am meeting everything that isn't nail down I really don't eat a lot so I really don't know why I am gaining weight and it scares me. I am so thankful that my husband has been healed up his back issues he was preference Sunday and he is feeling so much better I am also thankful that he has a job that he enjoys and the hours are awesome for our family we are now able to attend church Sunday morning Sunday night and Wednesday night and that is really awesome because it is an answer to prayers. It is also helping us to become financially stable and to get things that we need for home and for family. We are faithful with our ties and offerings to church and that is really important to us. We are able to have car insurance paid and have life insurance which was important to my husband to have to take care of our family. Its not that we ever want to have to use life insurance but when the time comes we. I need to put plans down and actually put into action things that I need to do to get up and be motivated to do something with my life. I love being a stay-at-home mom because it gives me the flexibility to do whatever I want to do. I like the fact that my husband wants me to have the freedom to stay home and not work and that he wants to be able to provide for our family. I really do appreciate that and I love him for that. I want to talk to the lady at church who is over the food pantry for our church and possibly start helping out on Mondays and Tuesdays every week with that I think that if I actually get into a routine of that it will also help me to be able to get out of this blah blah rut. Then I believe that I am going to find something to do as far as crafts again to be able to do something and feel like I am accomplishing something. we went yesterday and I spoke with the lady at the resource center at the middle school and I am going to fill out the background check and paperwork to be able to volunteer whenever needed at the school. I think that this will also give me Purpose with my life. I am no longer taking any medications that the doctors have prescribed for me. I know that most people would think that that is not a good idea but I really don't want to be on medication and I don't feel that I need to be taking all the medication that they are giving me. At one point they had me on over 20 medications and I had weight loss surgery and started losing weight and went off everything and then started feeling not too good so they started putting me back on medications and it just seems like they kept adding one right after the other and now it's back up to 20 again and some of them I feel like don't do anything for me so I have again taking myself off everything and I need to re-evaluate it for myself. I have been hit-or-miss when it comes to writing this blog and I'm not happy with that I want to get into a disciplined attitude to where I write daily the reason I want for that to happen. one of the things that is going on in our family right now is that my husband's daughter is in jail she has a heroin addiction and she got into trouble with her ex and he had her arrested for domestic violence assault and when they tried to arrest her she had drug paraphernalia on her and she resisted arrest so she was put on probation and she has not tried to even change she has been offered drug rehabilitation and she refuses two receipt help. She has chose to not get a job even though she has a college education she has been homeless because of this and I have tried to get her to go to a shelter and get help and she refuses because she likes to live with her friends and do drugs she knows that these things are not acceptable. she has five children and she does not see any of them we have custody of two of them and we have raised them since birth with no help from her. I do not regret having these two children in my life I love them as my own I will always love them. it makes me so angry when she tries to act like she has rights because as far as I'm concerned she has no right to say anything or have a input on these children she is not been there and she has no right as far as I feel. I am to the point right now that I no longer allow her to have contact or speak to the children. she lives in another state and that makes it a little easier because we don't have to worry about running into her in public but she does call and I am friends with her on Facebook. before she violated her probation and was put in jail this time she would call on occasion when she felt like it and would ask about the kids sometimes and I would give her updates but as far as allowing her to speak to the children I no longer let her do that. before I found out that she was doing drugs I allowed her to have contact with the children but I feel like since she wants to do drugs and live her life the way she chooses then I am not going to allow her to put herself before my kids any longer. I don't feel like I am wrong for doing this. her friend guy friend that gives her money anytime she asks for it and he knows that she uses that money for drugs but yet he allows himself to be used by her and he lives in another state from her to me I just feel like he is stupid but that's his business and her business but she has him call here and asked us to send her money and I'm like no I refuse to give her a dime because I know what she does with the money. she has also called and told us I need money to get a hotel room because I'm homeless or I need money because I'm hungry and I want food well I know it sounds so mean but she needs to get up off of her lazy rear end and get a job and take care of herself because the money that comes into our house is to take care of our family I have to worry about these children not some Junkie that does not want to better themselves. I pray for her and I have asked God to send someone or people into her life that can witness to her but that is all I can do she does not listen to me or her dad she gets angry with us because we expect more from her. we raised her better than what she has become her biological mother was a street w**** and a junkie and she died of a drug overdose alone in a motel floor and it's not like this happened when Sarah was a child this happened after she was a grown adult so she saw what happened to her mother and she knows what drugs do to someone but yet she is following in her footsteps and this makes me sick to my stomach. I have always been there for my step-children in fact I was wrong but there was a point in my life where I did put them before my own children I feel so bad for doing that I wish I could go back and change that but I can't ever go back in time I can only go on from here and try to be a better person. I have apologized to my children for this and they say they have accepted my apology but I have a son that has nothing to do with me and I don't know why he has cut off all contact with me with no explanation. I have another son who lives in Virginia and he is going through a lot in life dealing with the death of my mom in 2010 and the death of my dad in January of this year  we are still in contact with each other when he chooses to make time and my heart does go out to him because of all the he is going through. I have a daughter who lives in Tennessee on the border of Virginia she is married and we keep in contact through Facebook and we have a good relationship. also she considers my husband-to-be her dad because he stepped up and took that place for her 18 years ago. as far as my step kids go they made the choice not to be a part of my life I never made that choice when they were growing up I never made a difference I treated them as my own. they are grown adults now and they have chosen to turn their backs on me and my husband who is their dad. I cannot say that it doesn't make me sad or angry because of all the time and energy that I have invested into them. It makes me feel bad because I have raised them and they don't even give me the respect that I deserve for having done this for them. This is why we now live so far away from everyone and we are devoting our lives toto God, each. Other and the 2 children that God has given us.

New job

My husband got the job that he had been wanting. We give God all the glory because we know that without His blessings we would be nowhere. He now works 1st shift and has nights and weekends off. And best of all it is guaranteed 40 plus hours a week and the pay stayed the same. We now do not have to worry about missing any church services which is very important to us. We were able to keep our faith even though he didnt see a new job in sight. This is exactly what they have been teaching at church. You cant let what you see determine your faith. You have to remind yourself of all the things that God has done for you and focus on the positive and never allow the negative to get into your spirit or come out of your mouth. I can look back over the past 3 months and I can see how God's hand has moved and worked and how He has blessed us. It may not have always been in our timing but it has always been the right time.

Finding the perfect job

My husband hates the hours that he has to work. During the week it is 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. and on the weekends it is 4 p.m. to 4 a.m. . It makes it hard for him because he is always tired when he is home. On most weeks he has to work on Wednesday nights and he doesn't like missing Church. He says that the work itself is not too difficult but the hours is what he really doesn't like. Also at times the regular employees treat the temporary service worker like crap. He knows that most places there will always be someone with a poor attitude. I tell him to not take it personal people are just going to be people and sometimes you just have to overlook them and pray for them. I spend my days taking care of the house and binge watching TV programs. First things first every morning I do read the Bible and spend time with God. Last Sunday we became members at our church and we were really happy because we really like this church. We feel that God has placed us in the church and in the area in which we live. We went to Walmart auto center the other day to have oil changed and of all people to be there working was my ex-brother-in-law apparently there are still hard feelings with that family and they made up some lame excuse as to why they could not change our oil so we left and went across the street to Valvoline and had it changed. Is so crazy after 18 years people cannot get over themselves it is so time for people to grow up. At first it really aggravated me but I let it go because I am over it. Our finances are getting better and every week we pay ties never fail first thing. God is faithful and he has open the windows of Heaven and is blessing us.

Just living life

Well tonight is my husband's 3rd night of work and so far it is going good. We definitely don't like the hours because they are night shift but we do understand that sometimes we have to make sacrifices and do things that we don't want to do. Also we know that without this income we couldn't make it. We fully trust that God is in control and that He is taking care of us by giving my husband this job so he can provide for our family. We continue to do a Bible study with the kids every night. Also we read the Bible daily on our own. We also continue to attend church and tomorrow morning we will be going through the membership class because we feel that God has placed us in this church where we are growing and learning during every service. Is life perfect? Well no but we are making it. And we are not going to stop making it.

Smiling on the outside

Is our life perfect? No. But I do love my husband even though we have our disagreements I will never stop loving him. The other day we had a stupid argument over things that dont matter and we both said some things that neither one of us meant. Even though they were hurtful we had to go back and apologize and ask each other for forgiveness. It seems as the the pressures of life squeeze us so hard that instead of us fighting against the true enemy we end up fighting against each other. Some day I just pray that we will get it right and come together as one instead of allowing things to get in between us. We see us growing but then other times it feels like we take 1 step forward and 3 steps back.  Last night was my husband's first day of work and the hours are not ideal because it is 3rd shift but the pay is good and we can really use the money. Also I pray that God will give him the strength to be able to keep the job. I know that someday we will look back on all of this and see how much we have grown and see how God was taking care of us. Being in the middle of things sometimes blinds us so we cannot see properly.  I just hope that by writing down all of things that we go through it will somehow help others to not make the same mistakes that we have made.