Recon mission

Okay my older daughter called me last week, she is out of jail and on a years probation for a simple mistamener of a battery charge.  Now I am not saying that she doesn't deserve to be punished for the crime but, the other girl did not have to go to the hospital and she did not have any injeries per say.  She has already done 15 days in jail for the crime and I feel like since she has no friends or family in Georiga then hopefully they will allow her to transfer her probation here because she has a job to go to and family to support her.  I would think that would be what the courts would want because if she stays then she will more than likely pull 3 years in the prison system there and with over-croweding the way it is in most jails and prison sytems they are already to many people cramed in them.  I will admit that in Florida and Kentucky she has had charges of assult but, she was younger when that happened.  Yes she has had a drug problem and I know people who have came off hard drugs and stayed off hard drugs and changed their life for the better because they hit their lowest point in their life and could see themselves clearly and they didn't like what they saw.  My mom was one of those people and a good friend of mine.  I wasn't on drugs but, I partied and drank myself into obliviation every weekend.  Until one night I drank myself sober and I didn't like what I was seeing.  I am finally, 20 years later able to have a glass of wine whenever I want and I am able to stop and not feel like I have to drink everything that is in the house.  I used to be the one that if we had it I had to drink all of everything right then and there because I had that craving and nawing that I just couldn't fill up.  It feels so awesome to no longer have that desire or thirst that needs to be quinched.  Well she is off of heroin and has been clean for about 3 months and says that the desire for it is gone.  She had dabbled with meth and had a really bad experience with it and has sworn off of that stuff.  The guy that she is with is a really bad meth addict and he is threatening her life if she tries to leave him and he beats her almost on the daily.  Just a few days ago she had to go the the emergency for a concusion because he repeatedly bashed her head into the concrete.  I am just gonna throw this out there for free, I am not the baddest person alive but let me tell you what I have a clean record and I don't care to make it muddy by taking care of the issue.  There is one thing that people need to know, you do not mess with a person's children.  Even if those kids are being heathens and you want to beat their butts when you unconditionally love your kids then you love them in the bad and in the good.  Like she told him, "my parents my not love the decisions or choices that I make but, they will never stop loving me".  Boy is she correct, no matter what my kids do I will always love them.  I don't agree with most of the stupid crap that my kids do but, when the chips are down they always know who they can turn to.  So today I have to call the PO her and find out what we need to do to get her switched and then when they give us the green light that pycotic f**ktard better hide real good because his rear end is going to be grass and I am going to be the mower.  What he doesn't realize is that I have way to many conections and I wouldn't even have to leave my house to get her here and him to never mess with her again.  He wants to say he runs that town.  That fool only runs his mouth and he has her scared for her life. He for real ain't seen scary until he meets me or my crew face to face.  Well I will keep ya'll posted and wish me luck.  Love and Peace to all my friends and family.

Between a rock and a hard place

Have you ever been in situations in your life where you truly feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place?  Well I am truly caught up in this problem right now in my life. Have you ever been betrayed my someone and so hurt that you build up a wall and you feel like you can never trust that person again? Has someone hurt someone you love so bad that they are now having to deal with the emotional wounds and scars that the person left but, the person that did the damage is also someone you love?  Have you ever tried to protect someone from the emotional harm but, you don't quite know what to do because when you start to pick and choose sides then someone that you love is also going to be hurt?  What if the person that has done all the damage is someone you truly love and they have hit rock bottom and have asked for forgiveness and you forgive them knowing that the person that they hurt is going to be upset by your actions but, you are hoping and praying that this is the time that they have truly changed and you don't want to be cruel and give them a reason to relapse or end their life?  I am truly having to make some hard decisions in my life right now and I am so lost on what the right choice is at this time.  Well for those of you who don't know or maybe I haven't said let me do some explaining and please if anyone has any input or advice that they would like to give me please feel free to give it to me because I am truly at a loss on what to do at this point.  Ok from the top, it all started 14 years ago when my step-daughter who I help raise and I love dearly went to live with her mother and she ended upgetting pregnant at 14 years old. Yes that is not a typo you read that correctly she was 14.  Well she ended up having a drug problem and was unable to care for the baby so we have raised him as our own and he is 13 now.  Then almost 2 years later she had a little girl which she was also unable to raise do to drugs and we have raised her and she is now 11.  During the course of 3-4 years after her second child she gave birth to 3 more children.  A girl who lives with the baby daddy's sister, a boy who got adopted by a wonderful christian family and another girl who lives with her daddy.  She ended up getting married while she was pregnant with the last child but, the marriage failed and he divorced her and got sole custody of the baby girl.  During the past 13 years she has been in and out of the kids lives sometimes good times and then other times extremly bad times.  She has been in and out of jail and relationships and on and off drugs.  It has been an extreme chaos of emotions and mental illness and the rollercoaster needs to come to an end.  I have always been hopefully that she would straighten her life up because she is like such an amazingly smart and awsome person.  She has a college degree in the medical field but, of her record and drug usage she can nolonger use it. I am really sad for her.  Also she has missed out on some really amazing events in the kids lives.  I know that mental illness can be passed down through genes but, some of it is brought on by life choices and experiences that you have.  Mental illness runs rampid through her mother's side of the family and father's side of the family so it is like hit or miss.  Then on top of that her life choices and experiences and situations that she has put herself into and because of that now the children that I am raising are dealing with mental illness and baggage that she has unloaded onto them.  I know as a mother it is my job to protect my children but, I really don't know what to do when the children I am trying to protect are being harmed mental by another one of my children.  I am so confused because I love all of my children biological or otherwise just the same.  I have never made a difference in how I treat any of my children.  Yes I have been extremly disappointed in my kids because they have treated me like crap and turned on me and I have been really hurt and wounded mentally by them but, as a mother I have never stopped loving them and praying that they would change their ways. I am trying to be there for her because I know that she has noone and that she tells everyone that no matter what she knows that I love her and will always be there for her which tells me that at least I am doing something right.  She told her friend that her mom, talking about me (her biological mother overdoesed on drugs) will always love her even though I don't love the things that she might be doing or the choices that she is making in her life.  If any of you have kept up with my blogs you can see that I have been on this emotional rollercoaster for awhile now and I have been confused and at might breaking point more often than not.  So this is my delima, my older daughter (the biological mother) has mental hurt the 2 younger kids by the words that she has spoken to them and not being there when she was needed and now they have an anger and resentment against her but, deep down still love her and are confused as to how to handle it because you never know if this is the time that she gets clean and stays clean and really has changed for the good.  I really want to believe that this is it but, you know there is still that thought in the back of my mind that says be careful because you are just going to get hurt yet again and then what.  I am going to try and scheduale me an appointment to talk with someone because this is bigger than me and I need help.  Well I am going to close for now.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

The ups and downs of life

My life seems to be a series of ups and downs not only day to day but here lately minute to minute.  I used to love rollercoasters but, now all I can do is say "I want off this rollercoaster!"  If it isn't me battleing my own demons in my head it is one of the kids with their emotional baggage or my husband with all of his whatever.  Then there is the two dogs, the house and a rabbit.  Between appointments and junk I feel overwellmed at times and I just have to keep reminding myself to breath.  Will this rollercoaster ever stop?  I mean if it wasn't a constant thing like every minute not knowing what kind of mood the kids will be in and weither or not they will be getting along or what will set them off at any given moment.  For example they were both fixing their own breakfast and helping each other and getting along just fine and then in the next minute after my husband asked me about my appointments for tomorrow and that is what set them off this time.  They were arguing about who needed therapy and who didn't need therapy and why the other one needed therapy more than the other one.  I mean for real at this point I feel like our dogs probably need therapy and maybe even the rabbit.  If I don't laugh then I will be balled up in the fetal position in a corner somewhere crying my eyes out or screaming my lungs out or both at the same time.  I know that this isn't the first set of teenagers that we have raised but, I for the life of me cannot remember the others being this difficult.  These kids can be the sweetest most well mannered children ever but in just a flip of the switch they turn into little demons like the spawn from satan.  One minute I can ask them to do something and they are like "yes maam" and then I can ask them to do the same thing another time and they will say "whatever" and oh how I now hate that word.  I used to not mind the word whatever used in a sentence but, now with having raging homonal teenagers I absolutly hate that word.  I don't really feel like I have been a bad parent except for the times when I am in my head and those stupid voices are trying to convence me that somehow the way that all the kids are is my fault.  I mean I know down deep inside that I am not fully to blame but, sometimes those voices like to use me as a scapegoat.  Then there are times when I have to get angry and act like a raving lunitic to get them to even hear me.  Then I sound like an idiot like today I gave them a rule of they are not allowd to argue in my room.  Well that worked for awhile until they realized that all they have to do is just walk out of my room.  I think they invent the dumbest stuff to argue about.  For instance they were playing a video game together and deside to argue about the color of shirts their characters were wearing.  Also they were arguing over how fast the game was loading.  Then they want to call each other names and then tell me what punishment the other one should recieve and how they shouldn't be in trouble because clearly the other person started it and I must be deaf because I can't hear it they way that they heard it and how they are right even though it didn't happen the way they are claiming it happened.  I really at these times question my sanity.  I really feel at times like I am losing what little bit of my mind that I have left.  I often ask myself "is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?"  I wonder if they would put me in a padded cell with WIFI?  Does the place serve blue jello because I really do like blue jello.  Would they bring me coffee in the mornings and diet mountain dew the rest of the day?  Would I have to do housework?  Would it be quiet?  Yep these are my fantisies dreaming of being put in a padded room on the funny farm.  Most people fantisize about living a dream life and here I sit blowing spit bubbles dreaming of a padded room.  No I really don't think I am normal and I don't even know what normal is anymore.  Yippy skippy for me I get to spend 2 and half months with them 24/7 until school starts back in August.  Is it to early to make a count down calendar?  I love my family with all of my heart but, there is a lot of the time that they ride on my non-excistent last nerve.  I think at times they are using it for a jumprope or tying each other up with it.  Yep comedy is my only releif.  Well closing for yet another day of spin the wheel on the old "how can I drive mom crazy" wheel.  Love and Peace to all my friends and family.

Have you ever...?

Have you ever had one of those days or moments when everything is riding on what seems to be your very last nerve and you don't know weither to scream or cry?  Well this feeling started for me again last night and it has filered over into this morning.  Generally when I feel this way especially in the evenings I will go to sleep and in the morning it generally will have passed, but not this time.  I cried myself to sleep last night with the demons in my head telling me what a worthless, lazy, sorry excuse for a human being that I am.  Usually I can quiet them down but, last night they just ran rampid in my mind and I ended up falling asleep after midnight.  Anyone that knows me can tell you that I am on most every night asleep my nine.  Not last night though I tried so hard to get myself to just calm down but, nothing worked. I tossed and turned the night away and woke up to the alarm going off at 5:30 AM.  I really hate this about myself. I don't know how to make it stop and I feel weak against resisting it. This morning I am going to try really hard to relax and allow my mind to rest.  I allow myself to brow beat myself because I do feel like a failure and a burden to everyone even if they don't say it outloud.  I hate having to ask anyone for help because I do not want anyone to feel like I am putting them out.  Deep down I know my husband loves me but, there is always that nagging little voice that tells me that I should feel sorry for him being saddled with me. I have so many physical and mental disabilities that I cannot successfully hold down a job that I know that I am a financial burden on everyone.  I mean he has physical limitations and he still holds down a full-time job so me not working has to mean that I am lazy.  Half the time I don't even do a decent job with the housework and cooking.  Pain aside I am just going to have to suck it up and make this house spotless and start exercising and not eating so that way I can lose this ugly fat and not be a burden on everyone.  I have made a decision that from now on I am going to start doing everything for myself and not rely on anyone but, myself to get anything done.  I am trying to be less argumentitive and more quiet as not to bother anyone.  I hate feeling like this.  My insides feel like they are shaking and vibrating.  I would not with this feeling on anyone.  On another not one of my older step-daughters got out of jail and called me to with me a happy late mother's day.  She also wanted to let me know that while she was in jail got clean again and she has to stay in Georga for a year until she is off probation.  She is starting all over again from rock bottom and I always pray that this is the time that she makes it okay.  I try not to blame myself for the way that my step-kids have turned out but, those mean voices inside my head always tell me that if I would have been a better mother figure then maybe they wouldn't have turned out the way that they have and just maybe they wouldn't hate me as much as they do.  I mean even my own kids that I actually gave birth to hate me so why should the rest of them hate me to.  Even the gradkids that we have raised seem to hate me more often than not.  My daughter/granddaughter tells me most of the time how I never do anything right anymore.  I know there are times when I just don't feel good but, as my husband has said that is no excuse because he works full time and hurts.  The least I can do is make sure the house is spotless and dinner is amazing and stop spending any money whatsoever.  Even if he gives me money to spend on myself from now on I am going to start spending it on him and the kids because I don't deserve to spend any money on myself or at least that is how I feel.  I just feel like I have fell into this bottomless pit and I can't seem to find my way out and I feel as though dirt is being thrown in on top of me and the harder I try to struggle the more dirt falls in on top of me and I am going to be buried alive.  I try to keep a smile on myself even though the smile is fake because I don't want to burden anyone with my emotional baggage.  Maybe if I lay still and don't struggle againt anything it will be over faster and then I can finally be at peace.  I feel miserable and I have to one to turn to because I am embarassed enough that the family living in our home sees me this way.  Why would I ever want to let a stranger in to see what a failure and screw up I really am.  No I am not writing this so that people feel sorry for me I just hope that maybe my pitiful excuse of a life and the things that I go through can help someone not to have to experience the things that I am experiencing.  I would never in a million years wish any of these feelings on anyone.  No one deserves to ever feel the way that I feel.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

50 million things to do and 0% energy

I hate waiting and needing to do things and not having the energy to do them.  People just don't realize that when you have health issues not all of them can be seen.  If I was in a wheelchair or something like that then I think people would react differently to me when I say I just don't feel well or I am tired.  I suffer from Fibromyalga, chronic fatigue, epstein barr virus, COPD, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, PTSD, depression, Bipolor disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, OCD, arthritis in my feet, back and hands, my shoulder has issues and arthritis, my neck has nerve damage and my knees need to be replaced but, they are holding off as long as possible on that because they say that I am still young and the knees when replaced only hold up for so long. I am on over 20 different medications and I am in constant pain and the only thing they perscribe me for pain is Ibuprophen and extra strength tylenol.  Yep that's it crazy I know right?  I am in a way happy that I am not on pain meds because I don't want to become addicted to them.  Also that is why I am praying that the legalization of medical weed comes quickly.  When you smoke weed it does help with pain and anxiety.  It will also help to relax your mind so you can go to sleep without the aid of a sleeping pill which I am on and they can also become addicting.  People want to put a label or stigmatized on people that smoke weed as lazy hippies that don't do anything but, sit around all day smoking pot and having the munchies but, this could not be farther from the truth because when you are not in the constant pain that you experience on the daily then you are able to be active and do more things that you were not able to do.  Right now when I have a good day I try to cram all the things that need to be done into that one day and that is the biggest mistake you can make because then you end up with even more pain for the next few days because you over worked yourself.  And the only reason you do this is because you know it needs to be done and you get tired of feeling like a burden to your family.  Even if they never say it and they act as though everything is okay and they don't mind still in the back of your mind there is this nagging little voice that keeps saying that you are lazy and a burden to everyone and you should get your fat ass up and do more than you already do.  I have to say that my husband is a good man and he does understand how I feel and we try to work as a team to get things done but, that doesn't mean that I don't feel like a burden.  I try really hard not to dwell on these thoughts because I know that they are extreamly unhealthy and I don't want to put myself into a downward spiral of a depressive episode.  I have friends online that are wonderful and they always cheer me up because we have coffee time together every weekday and just enjoy each other's company.  We also make silly videos that makes each other and others laugh.  I heard one person this morning say that if you only get one like on your video then that is awesome because you were able to make that person smile and when you have a live chat if only a few people join then that's okay because those few people needed someone to hang out with and they chose you.  This is the reason that I do tic toc videos and lives because if I can make at least 1 person smile everyday then my little insignificate life is making a difference.  So if you see someone out there making a video and acting crazy they just might be on tic toc making someone else's day a little bit brighter.  Well I have to go for now.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

I will never understand people

Weither it is my own kids or other people in general I will never understand them.  Yesterday my daughter's femal rabbit Angel came up missing, I spent almost an hour walking around trying to find her.  It was over 80 degrees outside and I have a hard time breathing and walking but, because this was important to her, or so I thought, I sacrificed my well being to look for her pet.  We could not find her anywhere.  She had a conspiricy therory that the upstairs idiot neighbors had stolen her.  It does seem strange that this is twice that their cage has mysteriouly came open and Angel is the only one missing.  Well this morning as I was taking my son and husband to work I happened to look over and there she sat in the neighbor's that moved driveway.  My husband quickly pulled over and I jumped out and got her.  Apearently when she jumped out of the cage she broke her back leg because she wasn't hopping right on it and she squealed in pain when I picked her up and she peed everywhere.  I wasn't mad I just took one of my husband's t-shirts that he had in the van and wrapped her up and she calmed right down and even slept for a while. Well after dropping my husband and son off at work I drove home and came in and work up Kia-Leigh to show her that she was found  safe and that she will be okay.  Well she didn't care she was more interested in sleeping and when I asked her if she even cared her response was NO.  I fully am so confused by this because she pitched a hissy fit wanting to get the bunnies and she doesn't want to take care of them and then doesn't care when Angel was found.  She is hassleing us to get her a puppy and I am a little leary in doing so because she doesn't even wantt to take care of the rabbits so what makes me think that the puppy will be any different.  I have enough on my plate as it is taking care of this house and the 2 furbabies that we already have and then helping out with the 2 rabbits that are not even my responsibility.  There is no way I can take care of another puppy.  The one that we have is a special needs dog and he is 5 and the other one is 4 months old and clearly a spoiled brat.  I cleaned out the rabbit cage last week and my husband cleaned it out this week and boy let me tell you that is a job and a half because it smells so bad.  The reason that we did it both times is because she was recovering from toncil and adnoid surgery but, now she is able to do things and she refuses but then when we have money she expects us to buy her whatever she wants.  She is really acting like a highclass brat and it is really on my last nerve.  It isn't like she is little anymore and I can make her physically do as I ask her too.  She is 5'3" and weighs 185 pounds there is litterally no way I can make her do as I say.  I have taken her laptop and phone from her and she doesn't care.  Send her to her room, she doesn't care I am truly at a loss on what to do because I have never encountered a situation like this with all the 10 kids we raised.  She can be the sweetest person when she wants to be but when she decides that she wants to make your life a living hell well she will do anything and everything she can to ride on your last nerve and hurt your feelings until you are on the verge of crying and screaming at the same time.  We have got the ball rolling for counciling but that is another week away so right now I am biting my tounge and biding my time until that day gets here.  On another note the idiot neighbors upstairs decided that their 6 week old puppy is nolonger allowed in there appartment because it had an accident on the floor so the tied it to their steps with no food, water or shelter.  Oh belive me we went off because that is not something that you do to a baby puppy.  How would they like it if someone tied them to a tree with nothing?  Believe me I would love to be the one to do it.  So yes I did call the police on them.  Normally I handle things on my own but, I told them to take the puppy in the house and they wouldn't listen so I had to resort to a more drastic tactic.  I really don't care if they like me or not and the best thing I can say for them is if they don't like us then they can pack up and move away.  They are by far the worst neighbors that I have ever had and believe me I have had a lot.  I have had mexicans live next door to me that had better manors than these white trash idiots have.  It is rediculass.  I wish they would go back to whatever rock they crawled out from under and leave us in peace.  Even the landlord is getting tired of their crap. Well I guess I have complained enough for one day, I have to get ready to leave for physical therapy.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

Surviving 20 years of marriage tips

Okay so on the 26th of this month me and my husband will have been together for 20 years but, married for 19 years.  People say that in this day and age that is a rare thing for people to be together and faithful for that long.  I happen to agree with everyone on that count.  My aunt and uncle had been married for 64 years when he passed away a week ago. Now that is something that I think is amazing.  Well I have a few tips just personal observences that I will give ya'll that I have found helpful for me to staying with someone for any length of time.  First off you have to have respect for not only yourself but, for the other person as well.  If you don't respect for yourself then you can't have respect for anyone else either.  Also you have to love yourself because that is the first step to loving others because if you don't know how to love yourself then how can you possibly love anyone else?  Now days you find that people fall in and out of love about as much as they change their hair color.  There will be days that you will find that you are having a hard time loving your spouse but, you have to tell yourself that just because they are doing are acting like a complete moron that doesn't mean you throw everything away because you are going by a fly by night feeling.  Your feelings at times may change daily or even hourly.  Feelings can be a very fickled thing, sometimes feelings can be superfishal.  Just know that they may be on your nerves right now but, you are not perfect and there is times that you are on their nerves and they stuck around.  Try to find something special that you can do for your person daily and don't tell them that you are doing it because weither they admit it or tell you they notice the specail things they really do notice them because if you all of a sudden stop doing those special things then believe me they will notice.  We went through a training experience one time some years back and we learned that little tip and I really had never thought about it like that.  My husband works full time 5 days a week and I wake up every morning at 5:30 am and start coffee and fix his lunch and lay his clothes out so that way he can get a few minutes extra rest.  I don't do this because it is my job or duty, I do it because I respect my husband for all the sacrifices that he makes for our family.  I do everything I do out of love for my spouse.  Some people hate doing things for their spouse because they say they feel as though they are a maid or whatever but, that is really not a way to look at it.  If you are a homemaker than technically it is part of your job to keep the house going.  Now that doesn't mean just because your spouse works full time when they get home they can just put their feet up and allow you to wait on them hand and foot because they still need to help do things around the house just like you have things that you have to do they to need to realize that their paid job isn't the only responsibliity that they have.  My hubby helps me with housework even though he works full time.  On my bad health days he works full time and then helps me with whatever I was unable to do that day.  We work as a team and that is what makes a difference.  He doesn't think that he is any better than I am because we are equal partners and teammates in this thing called marriage.  When people finally come to this realization than they will be a lot happier because yes I understand that my husband is the leader and head of your household but that doesn't make him any better than me because we are equal and teammates.  We have tried to instill this in our kids and some have learned and then others are hardheaded and just don't get it or care.  Marriage is like a garden you have to put the work in to be able to see the benifits of it.  You just can't throw seeds in the ground and expect that the garden will take care of itself because weeds will overtake it and it will nolonger be yours.  Never compromise the moral integrity of your marriage.  What I mean by that is I am not saying that you cannot have friends of the opposite sex but, you should never have private meetings or conversations with the opposite sex because then weeds can enter and cause problems or weeds can enter the minds of others and can cause problems with your good name.  Now you might be saying well I love my spouse and nothing like that will ever happen but, let me tell you it is better to be safe than sorry because once that ugly weed of doubt starts growing it is a really hard thing to get rid of and it is really not worth having.  This is just some of the things that have worked for us and you can either use them or not it really doesn't hurt my feelings one way or the other because everyone has to use whatever works for them.  Well I am going to close for now.  Peace and Love to all of my friends and family.

When it rains it pours

By no means am I  not greatful for my husband's job because I don't know what we would do if he wasn't working.  I have no regrets about him and my son taking time off last week to be with me as our daughter had surgery or going to Virgina to be with my Aunt and cousins as they mourned the death of my Uncle.  Even though we had to juggle some bills around last week and this week to be able to do all of that.  We are by no means well of and we live paycheck to paycheck but, with all of that said we are not doing without and I am not complaining because I know that there are people out there in the world who would give anything to be in our shoes because they have nothing.  So I by no means want to ever sound ungreatful.  Adding to the "soap opera" at my husband's work I forgot to mention a couple of characters, Shorty, we call him that because I am taller than he is and when we first saw him we thought it was bring your kid to work day.  The truck that he drives is so big and even his boots are huge compaired to him, it really is adorable.  Then we have Tex, although he doesn't ride a horse to work he wears a cowboy hat and boots and my husband asks me everytime we see him "I wonder wear he parked his horse?".  As I come up with more names and characters I will add them to my posts.  I was never more heartbroke than on Sunday evening to find out that a little 22 month old baby boy went missing from his home.  I can not begin to imagine what the parents went through as they searched relentlessly for their baby and then as nightfall came on the first night and their baby nowhere to be found.  Then another night came and went and still no traces of their baby boy anywhere. Then another night came and went and still nothing.  Then as the evening on the 3rd night emerged the searchers heard a cry from a 50 foot embankment of a mine shaft 1 mile away from the child's home.  When they went to see where the crying was coming from by the grace of God there was the baby boy.  With nothing to eat or drink for 3 days this little boy only suffered from dehydration and was takin to the hospital to be treated for that alone.  God had to have sent His angels to protect and care for this little boy because you can not explain how a almost 2 year old was down a 50 foot mine shaft for 3 days with no food or drink and he only suffered from dehydration.  That is truly a miricle and a story for him to tell when he is older about the time that God took care of him.  I get goosebumps just writing and thinking about it.  I may not be the best Christian in the world but, I still know when to give God all the glory and I know that this is one of those amazing times.  I got turned down yet again for disability and I am appealing the decicion and hiring a lawyer because I had xrays done on my neck yesterday and they might be sending me for an MRI because they have found nerve damage and that is what is causing my hands to shake, get numb and tingle.  I have jumped through so many hoops it is really disheartening when people who are clearly able to work and even kids that don't need it get approved for disability and here I am with a page and a half of doctor's diagnosises stating that I am not physically able to hold down a job and the disability board continues to repeatedly deny my case.  I am already suffering from depression and this by no means makes me feel any better.  I am going to have to close for now because I have to get ready to go for physical therapy which I do 2 times a week.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.

nicknames

Okay so am I the only one who has nicknames that you call people? I mean not to their faces but, to your spouse or someone close to you that knows that person.  Well my husband and older son work at a factory here in town and when they get off work they tell me all about the people at their work and it sounds like they are working on the set of a cheesy soap opera which I have named, "As the Stomach Turns".  There are various characters that star in this soap opera and I am going to tell you their character names and a little bit of information behind how they got their character names.  First off we have Door Knob and she is a middle aged woman who has been married 4 times and every one of her exes works at the factory and every guy with the exception of my husband and son, fall all over themselves flirting with her.  Now you might be thinking wow to get that much attention she must be drop dead gorgious, but no she is not pretty at all.  Now let me tell you, I am secure enough in my womanhood that if another woman is pretty I will be one of the first to say that she is pretty but, if a mud fence is cuter then I am going to tell you that the mud fence is cuter.  Then we have the twins who are not really twins but, I call them twins and they also drive similar trucks that are oversized and way to big for them to be driving.  Their names are Taco and Burrito, yes they are hispanic and both are short.  I told my husband and son today that they need to drive a vehicle that is more their size like a smart car or a rollarskate and my son said that they could probablly both fit on a skateboard.  Then we have hemroid and how he got his name is that he constantly has his head so far up the formanes ass that he looks like a hemroid hanging out.  Then there is the foreman which my husband nicknamed dickhead because there is no pleasing the man.  No matter how hard they work or how much they get done it is never good enough.  Then you have the hall monitor who is suposed to be driving the fork life but, he will go past all the bathrooms and bang on the door like the police. Then there is chicken fucker, now I didn't come up with that name the guys did because aparently he told them that he would screw anything including a chicken.  Although there is a bunch more characters at the factory that is all of the nicknames that I can think of at this time.  There is never a dull moment at their work and they fill me in on the juciey details of the gossip going on and let me tell you it sounds just like a paton place.  Well I must go for now because I am having pysical theripy on my sholder today.  So bye for now.  Love and peace to all of my friends and family.

Just my opinion

Well another Mother's Day has come and gone.  I have to say that I did enjoy my day because my husband cooked and cleaned and I got to sit in bed all day and watch TV and play on my phone.  Any day that I can just relax is a great day.   I received no phone calls at all or text or emails which was really no surprise because why should it be any different than any other day.  I'm just saying that it did not come as any big shock that I was not contacted or acknowledged.  It is funny the things that are not right with life that you get used to and come to expect. It is funny in a sad way not funny as in ha ha.  It really is crazy how complete strangers online treat you better than your own flesh and blood or the ones that you raised as your own.  It is really a sad situation.  On a different note, the other day I wrote about how I do not feel that it is right that people from other countries come to america illigally and expect that the government should finanually take care of them.  And the crazy part is that our government is dumb enough to actually do it.  We have leagal United States citizens that have faught for our country in the military that need help and we claim we are to broke to help assist them but, yet we are taking better care of illigal aligns that sneak into our country.  People want to complain about Trump wanting to build a wall to keep the illigals out but, then they have built camps for the illigals that they have caught and they are taking care of them instead of just shipping them back to where they came from.  I have no problem of any race coming to America to live just as long as they do it the legal way.  No that does not make me racist in the least little bit.  I feel that everyone should be treated equally.  Another thing that I do not feel is right is the people that come over here illigally and get into trouble with the law and then they get put into our jails and our tax money goes to taking care of them.  Legally here or not if you are originally here from a different country and you cause legal problems here in America then I feel that you need to be shipped back to your home country for them to deal with and take care of and not be allowed to reenter the United States.  Other countries would not allow American citizen to act out and be allowed to stay in their country or even be able to visit or live there.  I just find that it is crazy how other countries can have walls and rules but the minute that the United States talks about building a wall or imposing rules all of a sudden we are racist.  Isn't that a little bit hypocritical?  I mean I am just saying that that is an observation that I have made.  Also some races come her and work for cash and then send the money back to their home country.  This does nothing to help our economy because the money is not getting taxed and helping us.  It is benefiting another country and that really should not be our responcibility.  Also I don't like the fact that people move to the United States because they claim it is so much better here but then they want to talk against our way of life.  It they feel that the United States is so terible then they should pack up and move back to their home country.  Well I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I welcome a discusion on this matter so if anyone that reads this would like to discuss this more indepth or give me their opinion on the topic please feel to comment so I can have feedback.  Well I am going to close this blog for now.  Peace and love to all my friends and family.

Mother's Day

Well another Mother's Dayis upon us.  As usual only the kidsin my home wished me a happy mother's day.  That leaves 7 kids that don't even acknowledge my existence but, belive me when they needed a mother I was the one that made the sacrifices for them to be able to have a good life.  Kia-Leigh had her toncils taken out on Wednesday and she is still experienceing pain.  She is drinking plenty of liquidsbut, she is not eating to much.  Not eating is not a problem as long as she keeps drinking.  I try to keep my chin up and not let it keep me down about the kids not acknowledging me but, I can't lie it does get me down if I sit and think about it.  My husband tries to make up for their shortcomings and that agrivates me because he hasn't done anything wrong and I don't feel like he should have to make up for them.  I don't understand it because 4 kids have a mother that was never there for them and then when she overdosed they put her on a pedistal and decided to rewrite history making her a saint.  She abandoned them and had nothing to do with them and everytime she broke their heart I was the one who was left picking up the pieces.  Then the other one his mother threw him in the trash can outside in the winter when he was a baby and she wanted nothing to do with him and again I stepped up and was the mother to him that he never had.  I really don't understand why he doesn't acknowledge me.  Then 2 of mine shune me at all costs. I really don't understand why either because I have been a mother to them and made sure that they didn't do without growing up.  It really is heartbreaking when you have deicated your life to children and then when they grow up they completly turn their back on you.  I guess I will never be able to explain the way they make me feel.  As someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD among other things people rejecting you without an explanation really does mess with your head.  When I am not able to reason something or explain it then it just sits in the back of my mind and nags at me.  No matter how much I try to push it out and put on a brave face it still sits their nagging away at me.  Even though I tell others that it doesn't bother me, in reality it really does bother me.  It makes me feel that there is something wrong with me.  Well I am going to sign off for now and go watch a movie with my hubby.  Peace and love to all my friends and family.

Teenagers and their hormones suck

Dealing with teenagers and their hormone's really does suck really bad because you never know from one minute to the next what you will be dealing with.  For instance they may or may not wake up in a really good mood or they may or may not wake or in a really bad mood.  One minute they are your sweet Innocent children and then the next minute they are the spawn of Satan and you never know what is going to set them off.  I have been dealing with teenage hormones for way to long now and let me tell you out of ten kids there has not been one that hasn't been a challenge to deal with.  Yes every single child was different in their own unique way but, they have all been difficult at one time or another.  They wonder why I am crazy and have grey hair, well hello I blame all that on teenage hormones.  I was sain before I had all these children but, that may or may not be a lie.  I mean at least that is what I tell them..  I was actually an easy going kid growing up but, I was an only child so that may have been why.  My husband said he was a trouble maker and he was always into something and he and his siblings fought all the time.  Have kids they said it will be fun they said.  Lol I really can't complain to much because they have been fun to have around.  There defiantly has not been a dull moment in my life since having kids.  I really wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  OK now to some matter of opinion.  I love all races, colors and genders but, I have a pet peeve that I do not feel is fair.  Let's think about this for a minute, if I choose to move to a foreign country they are not going to pay me to live there or they are not going to hire people that speak English just they can be a translator for me for free.  No they are going to make me get a job and learn their language or hire a translator for myself.  And it doesn't matter what country I move to it will be that way.  But oh no not in America we are paying forenors to move to our country, we give them free money every month, free food stamps, free medical coverage, housing and oh so much more.  Our businesses hire bilingual people and we hire a translator service to accommodate other languages.  It is a must have requirement that our children learn a foreign language in high school to be able to graduate.  I honestly believe that this is unfair to our economy and to our people.  Men and women who have fought for the freedom of our country's freedom do not even get the luxuries.  So please someone explain to me why when we supposedly cannot afford to take care of the people that we have in our country but, yet we constantly keep bringing more and more people to America.  I just think that if people want to be here then they need to do it legally and they should not be eligible to collect the benefits that rightfully belong to the American citizens.  Well I will close for now.  If anyone has any thoughts on this subject please feel free to comment.  Love and peace to all my friends and family.