I feel selfish

Here lately I feel short tempered with my hubby and I feel that I am being selfish. For example it seems to me that here lately there seems to always be something wrong with him. There is never a day goes by that he either doesn't feel good or he claims pain in some part of his body. He has went from someone who rarely gets sick to always something being wrong and he will ask "do I look like I don't feel good or do I look tired" and usually no he doesn't it to me feels as though he just wants attention and for me that is not a way to get my attention. It really irritates me and I let him know it but he is just not getting it. Also he is very negative with me here lately. It makes me feel that no matter how hard I try I just can't do anything good enough. For instance I can clean the house everyday and make sure dinner is ready when he gets home and he will find something to complain about like there are clothes in the dyer why didn't you fold and put them away what do you do sit and watch tv all day. Also he will call on his breaks and tell me things I need to do which he says he is just reminding me but for me it makes me feel like that he thinks I am to stupid to know what needs to be done. I have told him how I feel but he keeps doing it. I know he loves me and everything but it is stuff like this that is causing me anger and I am trying to cope with it and handle things in a Godly way but I am really lost on what to do. I just have a lot of junk in my head because of my weight issues and then Daltons school and Sarah being in jail and getting rehab and then him adding to my stress it really isnt helping and now because of all of this the skin problems that I have are acting up and my hands are raw and dry and cracked and are very painful. I dont say any of this to make my husband look bad because he isn't he really is a good husband and father and provider for our family. I just want to let people know that they are not alone and that no marriage is perfect. Everyone has something that they are working on. I normally try to focus on the positive because it is important to not get caught up in the negativity because whatever you focus on becomes bigger. I feel that sometimes he can be offensive when I try to tell him how I feel so I am trying to pray and ask God how to say things when I talk to him. Now I by no means am trying to say that I am perfect because I am far from it but I am trying to do and say the right thing. Another thing that is going on is that our daughter called to say that she is glad that she went to jail and that she is getting the help she needed. She is going to Celebrate Recovery and some other class to help her and that she wants to come home after she gets out next month. I am praying that she has honestly had a change of heart and that she will keep up with the progress that she is making now. Because in the past she has been selfish and only thought about herself and not about the family. I have never stopped praying for her or stopped loving her. I have been angry with her and really hurt by her actions. I wrote her a letter to let her know how I feel and I hope that she understands. I let her know how I felt and I let her know that our door is always open for her if she is truly willing to change because I have to first and formost think about the 2 young ones that are in our care. I cannot allow her to hurt them by her selfish actions. My fear is that she is only doing these things right now because she has to but prayer is that it is a true change of heart and that when she is out and she has a choice that she will make the right choices. There is a lot of stresses right now bit I k ow that God is in control and that everything is going to be ok. For thanksgiving my husband wants us to go to Lexington to go out to lunch with some friends and to stop by and visit his family. I really want to be excited for this and be able to be able to have a fun and enjoyable day but I am nervous also because with that family there is always something that goes wrong. They are negative and they can never just be happy with life. They are not happy unless they are putting someone down. They dont get along with each other and someone is always stabbing someone in the back. His mother is raised one of his ex's kids and she treats our kids and my kids lije outsiders. Its just stressful being around them. I try not to allow them to bother me but then I sort of get accused of being a snob. But they act like white trash and I am better than that. It is hard to find a happy medium because I know they don't like me because they have said they don't.

Tired of middle school

I am so fed up with middle school.  Today they had my son call me to tell me that he is missing 2 assignments in social studies. I asked my son ok where are they and he apparently has lost them and doesn't know where they are. So then his teacher gets on the phone to tell me that they just wanted him to call and let me know that he is missing 2 assignments. So i ask if he is missing anything else and the teacher didn't know but said he would find out and i also asked if the teacher could give him the assignments again and that way he can at least get some credit and he said he would ask the other teacher and then let me know. The reason i am a little irritated about this is i feel like having my son call me in the middle of class time is pointless and is taking away from the time that should be spent teaching him. Also what if i was at work and had a job and i get a call from school i would naturally answer it thinking that it could be an emergency but then for it to be nonsense like this. And the thing that also bothers me is that it wasn't even the teacher that he has the missing assignments for that got on the phone so the teacher was not very helpful either. All of his teachers have my phone number and email address so if it was so important for me to inow this information then i feel like the teacher that has the missing assignments should be the one to take the time and talk to me since she was the one who wasted my time with a pointless phone call. I went to the parent teacher meeting and they told me that they feel like he is not able to do the assignments but it seems as if they are dragging their feet on getting him the necessary help that they say he needs. They have a no backpacks in classrooms policy which i feel is stupid because to me he would better be able to keep track of his things and not lose his assignments if he was allowed to keep them in his backpack. We even got him a binder the one with different places that would hold all his folders and paper and a pencil keeper and he was told that he wasnt allowed to use that either. My hands are tied and i dont know what else to do to help him be organized when everything that we do is not allowed. I wish he could be in a private Christian school because i feel he would thrive so much better than he is drowning in public school. But we really cant afford it. I can only put it in God's hands and ask Him to give me the wisdom on how to handle these situations when they arise.

Total honesty

I am going to be totally honest right now and say something that is really hard for me. After struggling so hard to lose weight and coming so close to being where I wanted to be I have gained 45 pounds and I feel miserable. I feel like I now have no energy and I feel sick and everytime I eat anything I feel sick. I have been to the doctor and they said it is because of my surgery as to why I feel sick after eating. I need to take a step back and rethink how I am eating and what I am eating. I feel so ashamed of having gained this weight. I can no longer fit into my clothes and when I put something on that does fit I feel like I look horrible. I don't judge others on the way that they look and I don't look down on anyone for the way they look but I look down on myself. I feel like I am sliding into a pit and I can't see out. My husband is so supportive he tells me that he loves me just the way I am. He has never made me feel like I don't measure up. I am going to take a step back and reevaluate what I need to do and get back on track because I really need to lose the weight for my health.

Racism

Ok so today I am going to weigh in on the whole racism issue that is going on in America these days. One thing is our family consists of other races and I am by no means racist. You can ask anyone who knows me I will tell you that I don't care if you are pink with purple polka dots. Also we are big football fans. Normally we watch football every time it is on my husband has a favorite team I have a different favorite team and kids have different favorite teams and we just love watching football as a family. We usually have a small Super Bowl football party with just us and some good food watching and enjoying the game with each other. Although this year it has been quite different it is hard to see the teams turning against America. When the national anthem is being played out of respect for the country that you choose to live in you should stand and when I see whole teams refusing to be present during the national anthem or I see this idiotic black power sign being presented during the national anthem and people taking a knee or just not standing out of respect I have a big problem with it. My thing is if you choose to live in the United States of America then you should show respect to that country and if you don't like it then leave don't live here. When you refuse to stand for the national anthem to me it is like slapping a veteran or a soldier in the face because we live in a country where we are free to choose how to live our lives I may not agree with how you choose to live your life you may not agree on how I choose to live my life but we have that freedom because there has been people fighting for us giving up their lives and their time with their families to make sure that you have that freedom to live your life how you choose. So when you cannot give just that few minutes of respect back to a country that is giving you that freedom I find a big problem with it nobody said you have to stand and salute or put your hand over your heart or anything like that just remove your hat out of respect and stand by standing to me all that is showing is you know I respect those people that have laid their life down to fight for my freedom and I really don't think that is too much to ask especially since these football players are grown men who are supposed to be setting an example for other people and for children. It is bad enough how are kids these days are so disrespectful in the way that they treat others and how they conduct themselves to have grown men showing this lack of respect for their country is crazy to me its just nonsense. Its like grow up think about more than just yourself here and think about the lives that you are impacting. And on another note with the football players this craziness of the black community with the black power symbol that they do when they tackle someone or make a touchdown is crazy its like really if a white man on a football team made a derogatory  symbol or sign then it would just not be allowed. I would be just as offended by a white man making a symbol as I am with a black man making a symbol to me because I don't see color it's just hate is all I see. I don't think that it should be allowed and I think that when it happens there should be some kind of consequences to these actions either fine the player or bench them don't allow them to play when they don't play they don't get paid hit them in their pocket books where it really matters to them and then let it go from there and see how they act. This is a job for them that they are getting paid to do. If they were on the job at a gas station and they were throwing up race symbols then they would be fired and it would not be accepted so why is it that they feel that they have a right to throw up race symbols on the field which is their job place. Other races say that they want the races to be united and as one and equal but then they throw up race symbols and have black only or certain race only scholarships and schools and to me I feel that is wrong because if there was a white only scholarships or schools then that is not allowed because it is racist. Civil rights people fought for this movement to have every race treated equal so then how can we be truly equal when we have separate scholarships for certain races. To me it is just that right is right and wrong is wrong and if it isn't right for one race than it isn't right for all races period. I understand that America is multicultural but we have one thing that unites us and that is or should be the American language and that is English. I feel like if you live in the United States that you should have to learn to speak English. It is not our job to learn your language to make accommodations for you. You chose to come to America so you should learn our language. If I go to a foreign country they are not going to make special accommodations for me they expect for me to learn their language because I am in their country and if I don't know it then I must find my own translator and pay that person to be my voice. I can't just go anywhere in that country and expect that they should have someone that can do that for me. It would be my responsibility because I chose to go to a foreign country. So I feel that in the same respect it should not be the responsibility of businesses or people to have to know other languages to accommodate people who refuse to learn the language of the country they choose to live in. Some places won't hire a person if they are not bilingual and I don't feel that is fair because as long as you can speak English and be able to do your job then that should be enough. Also to graduate high school you have to take a foreign language class and to me that is not right I feel that it should be your choice if you want to learn a language other than English. We don't force our kids to learn sign language but yet we have a lot of deaf people in America. To me why not make that a class that is taught in school? I am going to close with that but this is juat a little insight into some of the things that are going on in America that I am acknowledging.

Faith

At church they have been preaching and teaching on building your faith. Building your faith is something that you have to do on a daily basis. You cannot wait until you are in the middle of a battle to decide that now is the time to build your faith. That is like a body builder waiting until the day of a lifting competition to decide to build up muscles. All of this makes a lot of sense to me when I think about it. Last night they talked about that you can't get healed if you don't believe in miracles. I truly believe in miracles because I have personally experienced them and I have seen them in other people's lives. I think it is awesome when someone is healed and to me there are no small miracles because I think that they are all wonderful.

Parent teacher meeting

Ok so I went to meet with Daltons teachers and the principal because he is failing almost all of his classes. He is very unorganized when it comes to bringing his supplies to class. All of his teachers said that they real like him and that he does not have any behavior problems. I went to the truck after the meeting and I broke down and cried because I feel like as a mother I failed him somehow somewhere. But then after thinking about it I know that it was not something that I personally did it's just that he learns differently and needs the extra help. I am by no means ashamed of this at all and the school so extremely helpful. It just also made me more angry at my step daughter because of her drug use and alcohol use while she was pregnant with him knowing that this could potentially hurt him and then now her still being selfish and continuing to do the things that she does. I just have to breathe and Let It Go and it is extremely hard for me right now. This is just another step to raising children it's not something that I have ever had to go through because all of our other children did fine and school and now I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around something new. I know that my husband will handle this better than I have because he had to deal with a learning disability and I love him as I love my son and I by no means feel that he is any less of a person because people don't understand that just because you learn differently makes you ignorant. All of my children are intelligent and just because they learn differently does not make evening any of them any less in my eyes. I might eventually need to sit down and talk to someone about how I'm feeling because I don't want to get overwhelmed. I don't want to go and see a psychiatrist and be put on medication and junk like that I just want to sit down with someone so they can spiritually advise me on how I need to handle the situation. I I am feeling better as far as how I feel about myself I keep the house clean and have dinner waiting on my husband and children when I get home and then I spend time with them after they get home. I don't seem to find joy in the things that I used to find joy in like going and getting my nails done and stuff like that which I guess is a growing for me I don't know. Now I just have to wait and sit down and talk to Dalton and let him know that the meeting with his teachers went good and that they're going to get him some help with school so that way he can get his education and do good because he really does want to do good in school and I think it really bothers him because he's trying so hard and he doesn't understand the work and he gets frustrated and I can understand that because as an adult I get frustrated when I can't do something so I can understand how he can as a sixth grader get frustrated.

In a funk

Lately I feel like I am in a funk that I am having trouble shaking. I am going to church, reading my Bible and praying but I still cant seem to shake it. I feel like if I had something to do then maybe that would change the way I feel. Not having anything to do all day every day wears on a person. I kbow that people who are always busy would say that having a day with nothing to do would be awesome but believe me after a while of having nothing to do it gets real boring real fast.  I have really got to find something to do because I hate this feeling.  On another note my husband keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and I think that I want a laptop because I think that I want to start writing again. Also I think that it would help my blog.

Another day

So yesterday I was ranting about my stepdaughter being in jail and I wanted to clarify something. I do still love my stepdaughter because a mother loves unconditionally. I by no means agree with her lifestyle and I don't know if our relationship can ever go back to the way that it once was because there was a time that we were really close but she has broken my trust because of the way that she has come against me and hurt me. All the while I have tried to be on her side and do everything I could to help her. I have really been hurt by her and I have raised her 2 kids since birth and she acts like she doesn't even appreciate it. She only wants to be a part of the kids life and a part of our family when it is convenient for her or she wants something from us. I have to protect these kids from her destructive behavior.  I just feel that at age 27 it is time to put on your big girl panties and grow up and think about someone other than yourself. If you are not willing to do that then you need to woman up and allow the kids to move on and quit trying to hold them back. You made the choice not to be their mother when you chose yourself and drugs over them. They have a good life with us. I do not talk bad about her to the kids but I do not hide anything from them. They know that she bounces from man to man and she is on drugs and that she is now in jail. She had a guy friend of hers call us and give us orders not to tell the kids that she is in jail and I sent word back to her that the kids know and they are my kids and I am in charge not her. I feel that if I am bot honest with her about how I am feeling then it isnt good. We cant move forward if I am always having to walk on egg shells around her and put her feelings first. I refuse to put her before my kids and their feelings or my feelings anymore. This is something I have to do for my family.

Feeling not myself

Here lately I feel so not myself. I'm happy it's not bad it's just that I used to feel so productive as a person and I don't feel that now. Whenever I have things to do it feels so hard to just get the motivation to do anything. It's like I don't find enjoyment and things the way I used to and I really don't like feeling this way. I don't even really know how to fix this. I feel like I don't have the energy or the desire to just live life. What I mean by living life is just enjoying doing things not wanting to die because I do want to live. I used to enjoy cooking, and arts and crafts, and decorating our home and it seems like now I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more than sit and do nothing. It's like I have all of these ideas that I want to do but it's like I just can't make myself get up and do anything. I feel down on myself right now because I have gained 50 pounds over this year I was down to a size 17 and now I am back up to a size 22 this makes me so mad at myself I just don't know what to do. I do not want to gain anymore weight I want to lose weight I want to be under 200 lb and now I am up to 244 pounds and I am so mad at myself. It's not like I am eating everything that isn't nailed down I really don't eat a lot so I really don't know why I'm gaining weight and it scares me. I am so thankful that my husband has been healed of his back issues he was prayed for on Sunday and he is feeling so much better I am also thankful that he has a job that he enjoys and the hours are awesome for our family we are now able to attend church Sunday morning Sunday night and Wednesday night and that is really awesome because it is an answer to prayers. It is also helping us to become financially stable and to get things that we need for home and for our family. We are faithful with our ties and offerings to church and that is really important to us. We are able to have car insurance paid and also now we have took the step and have life insurance which was important to my husband to have to take care of our family. It's not that we ever want to have to use life insurance but what I mean by living life is just enjoying doing things not wanting the die because I do want to live. I used to enjoy cooking, and arts and crafts, and decorating our home and it seems like now I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more than sit and do nothing. Its like I have all of these ideas that I want to do but its like I just can't make myself get up in do anything. I feel down on myself right now because I have gained 50 pounds over this year I was down to a size 17 and now I am back up to a size 22 this makes me so mad at myself I just don't know what to do. I do not want to gain any more weight I want to lose weight I want to be under 200 pounds and now I am us to 244 pounds and I am so mad at myself. Its not like I am meeting everything that isn't nail down I really don't eat a lot so I really don't know why I am gaining weight and it scares me. I am so thankful that my husband has been healed up his back issues he was preference Sunday and he is feeling so much better I am also thankful that he has a job that he enjoys and the hours are awesome for our family we are now able to attend church Sunday morning Sunday night and Wednesday night and that is really awesome because it is an answer to prayers. It is also helping us to become financially stable and to get things that we need for home and for family. We are faithful with our ties and offerings to church and that is really important to us. We are able to have car insurance paid and have life insurance which was important to my husband to have to take care of our family. Its not that we ever want to have to use life insurance but when the time comes we. I need to put plans down and actually put into action things that I need to do to get up and be motivated to do something with my life. I love being a stay-at-home mom because it gives me the flexibility to do whatever I want to do. I like the fact that my husband wants me to have the freedom to stay home and not work and that he wants to be able to provide for our family. I really do appreciate that and I love him for that. I want to talk to the lady at church who is over the food pantry for our church and possibly start helping out on Mondays and Tuesdays every week with that I think that if I actually get into a routine of that it will also help me to be able to get out of this blah blah rut. Then I believe that I am going to find something to do as far as crafts again to be able to do something and feel like I am accomplishing something. we went yesterday and I spoke with the lady at the resource center at the middle school and I am going to fill out the background check and paperwork to be able to volunteer whenever needed at the school. I think that this will also give me Purpose with my life. I am no longer taking any medications that the doctors have prescribed for me. I know that most people would think that that is not a good idea but I really don't want to be on medication and I don't feel that I need to be taking all the medication that they are giving me. At one point they had me on over 20 medications and I had weight loss surgery and started losing weight and went off everything and then started feeling not too good so they started putting me back on medications and it just seems like they kept adding one right after the other and now it's back up to 20 again and some of them I feel like don't do anything for me so I have again taking myself off everything and I need to re-evaluate it for myself. I have been hit-or-miss when it comes to writing this blog and I'm not happy with that I want to get into a disciplined attitude to where I write daily the reason I want for that to happen. one of the things that is going on in our family right now is that my husband's daughter is in jail she has a heroin addiction and she got into trouble with her ex and he had her arrested for domestic violence assault and when they tried to arrest her she had drug paraphernalia on her and she resisted arrest so she was put on probation and she has not tried to even change she has been offered drug rehabilitation and she refuses two receipt help. She has chose to not get a job even though she has a college education she has been homeless because of this and I have tried to get her to go to a shelter and get help and she refuses because she likes to live with her friends and do drugs she knows that these things are not acceptable. she has five children and she does not see any of them we have custody of two of them and we have raised them since birth with no help from her. I do not regret having these two children in my life I love them as my own I will always love them. it makes me so angry when she tries to act like she has rights because as far as I'm concerned she has no right to say anything or have a input on these children she is not been there and she has no right as far as I feel. I am to the point right now that I no longer allow her to have contact or speak to the children. she lives in another state and that makes it a little easier because we don't have to worry about running into her in public but she does call and I am friends with her on Facebook. before she violated her probation and was put in jail this time she would call on occasion when she felt like it and would ask about the kids sometimes and I would give her updates but as far as allowing her to speak to the children I no longer let her do that. before I found out that she was doing drugs I allowed her to have contact with the children but I feel like since she wants to do drugs and live her life the way she chooses then I am not going to allow her to put herself before my kids any longer. I don't feel like I am wrong for doing this. her friend guy friend that gives her money anytime she asks for it and he knows that she uses that money for drugs but yet he allows himself to be used by her and he lives in another state from her to me I just feel like he is stupid but that's his business and her business but she has him call here and asked us to send her money and I'm like no I refuse to give her a dime because I know what she does with the money. she has also called and told us I need money to get a hotel room because I'm homeless or I need money because I'm hungry and I want food well I know it sounds so mean but she needs to get up off of her lazy rear end and get a job and take care of herself because the money that comes into our house is to take care of our family I have to worry about these children not some Junkie that does not want to better themselves. I pray for her and I have asked God to send someone or people into her life that can witness to her but that is all I can do she does not listen to me or her dad she gets angry with us because we expect more from her. we raised her better than what she has become her biological mother was a street w**** and a junkie and she died of a drug overdose alone in a motel floor and it's not like this happened when Sarah was a child this happened after she was a grown adult so she saw what happened to her mother and she knows what drugs do to someone but yet she is following in her footsteps and this makes me sick to my stomach. I have always been there for my step-children in fact I was wrong but there was a point in my life where I did put them before my own children I feel so bad for doing that I wish I could go back and change that but I can't ever go back in time I can only go on from here and try to be a better person. I have apologized to my children for this and they say they have accepted my apology but I have a son that has nothing to do with me and I don't know why he has cut off all contact with me with no explanation. I have another son who lives in Virginia and he is going through a lot in life dealing with the death of my mom in 2010 and the death of my dad in January of this year  we are still in contact with each other when he chooses to make time and my heart does go out to him because of all the he is going through. I have a daughter who lives in Tennessee on the border of Virginia she is married and we keep in contact through Facebook and we have a good relationship. also she considers my husband-to-be her dad because he stepped up and took that place for her 18 years ago. as far as my step kids go they made the choice not to be a part of my life I never made that choice when they were growing up I never made a difference I treated them as my own. they are grown adults now and they have chosen to turn their backs on me and my husband who is their dad. I cannot say that it doesn't make me sad or angry because of all the time and energy that I have invested into them. It makes me feel bad because I have raised them and they don't even give me the respect that I deserve for having done this for them. This is why we now live so far away from everyone and we are devoting our lives toto God, each. Other and the 2 children that God has given us.

New job

My husband got the job that he had been wanting. We give God all the glory because we know that without His blessings we would be nowhere. He now works 1st shift and has nights and weekends off. And best of all it is guaranteed 40 plus hours a week and the pay stayed the same. We now do not have to worry about missing any church services which is very important to us. We were able to keep our faith even though he didnt see a new job in sight. This is exactly what they have been teaching at church. You cant let what you see determine your faith. You have to remind yourself of all the things that God has done for you and focus on the positive and never allow the negative to get into your spirit or come out of your mouth. I can look back over the past 3 months and I can see how God's hand has moved and worked and how He has blessed us. It may not have always been in our timing but it has always been the right time.

Finding the perfect job

My husband hates the hours that he has to work. During the week it is 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. and on the weekends it is 4 p.m. to 4 a.m. . It makes it hard for him because he is always tired when he is home. On most weeks he has to work on Wednesday nights and he doesn't like missing Church. He says that the work itself is not too difficult but the hours is what he really doesn't like. Also at times the regular employees treat the temporary service worker like crap. He knows that most places there will always be someone with a poor attitude. I tell him to not take it personal people are just going to be people and sometimes you just have to overlook them and pray for them. I spend my days taking care of the house and binge watching TV programs. First things first every morning I do read the Bible and spend time with God. Last Sunday we became members at our church and we were really happy because we really like this church. We feel that God has placed us in the church and in the area in which we live. We went to Walmart auto center the other day to have oil changed and of all people to be there working was my ex-brother-in-law apparently there are still hard feelings with that family and they made up some lame excuse as to why they could not change our oil so we left and went across the street to Valvoline and had it changed. Is so crazy after 18 years people cannot get over themselves it is so time for people to grow up. At first it really aggravated me but I let it go because I am over it. Our finances are getting better and every week we pay ties never fail first thing. God is faithful and he has open the windows of Heaven and is blessing us.

Just living life

Well tonight is my husband's 3rd night of work and so far it is going good. We definitely don't like the hours because they are night shift but we do understand that sometimes we have to make sacrifices and do things that we don't want to do. Also we know that without this income we couldn't make it. We fully trust that God is in control and that He is taking care of us by giving my husband this job so he can provide for our family. We continue to do a Bible study with the kids every night. Also we read the Bible daily on our own. We also continue to attend church and tomorrow morning we will be going through the membership class because we feel that God has placed us in this church where we are growing and learning during every service. Is life perfect? Well no but we are making it. And we are not going to stop making it.

Smiling on the outside

Is our life perfect? No. But I do love my husband even though we have our disagreements I will never stop loving him. The other day we had a stupid argument over things that dont matter and we both said some things that neither one of us meant. Even though they were hurtful we had to go back and apologize and ask each other for forgiveness. It seems as the the pressures of life squeeze us so hard that instead of us fighting against the true enemy we end up fighting against each other. Some day I just pray that we will get it right and come together as one instead of allowing things to get in between us. We see us growing but then other times it feels like we take 1 step forward and 3 steps back.  Last night was my husband's first day of work and the hours are not ideal because it is 3rd shift but the pay is good and we can really use the money. Also I pray that God will give him the strength to be able to keep the job. I know that someday we will look back on all of this and see how much we have grown and see how God was taking care of us. Being in the middle of things sometimes blinds us so we cannot see properly.  I just hope that by writing down all of things that we go through it will somehow help others to not make the same mistakes that we have made.

Sometimes I want to scream

I honestly have faith that everything is going to be ok financially with our family. That doesn't mean that there are not times when I want to scream at the top of my lungs. It's not that I don't trust God because I do it's just that sometimes I get frustrated at circumstances. Today my husband went to a job that he didn't even know that he had signed up for which he didn't sign up for they just assigned it to him then as he's getting off work they tell him that he needs to come in on 2nd shift which is 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. these hours are not good for our family we can't do these hours with one vehicle. So he called and let the agency know that he could no longer do this job but when the job that he supposed to start on Tuesday opens that he will be more than happy to do that job. At first they were really angry about it and told him that he couldn't do any more jobs for them but then after putting him on hold they came back and said that he could go to the job on Tuesday. I honestly pray that this job will work out for my husband because he has to work somewhere to support our family. My husband wants to work and support his family that isn't the issue it's just the jobs that they sent him on there always seems to be an issue or problem. We have church tonight and I just pray that I can have some peace in God and learn more about how to handle situations as they come up. At first my husband called me around lunch time and said that he wanted to stay home tonight and just read the Bible himself I didn't argue with him but then he called me back and apologized and said he was wrong and that yes would definitely be going to church tonight. He makes me feel sometimes like he is being double-minded because He Flops back and forth with yes we're going to church every time the doors are open and then like today well let's just stay home but then turns around in the next breath and like says let's go to church I was wrong. He is quick to repent which is good it just makes me feel bad because of the unstable in his thinking at times. Some days he seems so on fire and then other days he seems defeated I pray for him to always feel on fire for God. I am by no means trying to say that I am perfect. There are days when in my natural human way I just don't feel it I do struggle I do have a hard time fighting with my flesh. I try not to show a defeated attitude around my husband because I don't want to bring him down. Sometimes I resent the fact that he tries to treat me as a mother figure or a caregiver for him I don't want to be that I just want to be his wife. I don't mind helping him put his socks on because I do know that sometimes he does have a hard time with that. But sometimes he acts as though he is so helpless and can't do anything for himself that makes me angry I don't want to be angry. I love my husband with all of my heart. I just want to wring his neck when he acts the way he does sometimes. We have issues that we have to work on daily but together with God's help we will overcome.

God has a sense of humor

Well today our back window got put in and that was such a blessing. The pastor had spoke and said that God will bless you with better things. Well the window that had busted out was just a plain window but the one that God blessed us with has a slidding window in the middle of it. Then yesterday my husband went to get his badge for work which was supposed to start today but they have put it off and said it wont start until next week so today he called to see if they had anywhere else that he could work until then and they said they didn't have anything but if they got something that he could have it. Well he called back this afternoon to see if anything had come in and they told him that he already has an assignment to start work in the morning. He was very confused because he hadn't accepted an assignment. But he stopped by and then gave him the things he needs for the job and he starts at 6am tomorrow. Again God's blessings. He got paid today which was a day early and the first thing we did was pay tithes. Then after paying bills we had money left over for the first time in a long while. So we bought socks, towels, a broom and some much needed household supplies. We even have some money left over for gas and whatever else we might need later on. God is blessing us beyond measure and our Faith is growing. We had to stand believing even before we could see anything which is exactly how Faith works. Also after going forward and getting prayed for the other Sunday morning I have not had any stomach pain. I thank God for my healing. I know God has healed my husbands back and foot and I know that he will see the evidence of it.

The blessings of God

Daily God blows me away by his blessings. Anyone who has been reading my blog will know that we have been at some really low points in our life over the past 2 months. But in everything we have had Faith that God would work everything out to His glory. We couldn't always see how things were going to work out but we had Faith that it would. Back during the summer our back window in our truck got accidentally busted out. Now it really hasn't been a big deal because it has been warm although the rain has made it a little uncomfortable because it made the back seat wet. Well it is starting to get cooler and eventually winter is coming we even have said to each other that the kids can wear their jackets and we have blankets so it is going to be ok. Because we have price checked the cost of having to replace the window and we just did not have the finances to replace the window. Well we really haven't thought about it because it wasn't in our budget. Well we have been paying tithes faithfully on every dime that has come into our home. There has not been a question of should we pay tithes this time or what about this time. My husband settled it in his heart that from now on from this day forward we are going to pay tithes no matter what God comes first. I in my heart made up in my heart that I was going to quit looking at the circumstances and start having Faith for what God was doing and going to do. Also the place where we live sent out a letter saying that were no longer going to mow the lawns for the tenets.  Well ok we dont have a mower and they said once the grass reaches 4 inches then they will mow it and charge $40 towards our rent. Well that is just crazy because we are doing good to pay the bills we do have without having to pay an extra fee like that every month.  Well in the natural eye we didn't see what we were going to do because we don't have the finances to buy a mower right now. Well yesterday we saw the windows of Heaven open and God blessing us. A man that we dont know walked up to us in church and said that he noticed our window and that him and his wife want to have it fixed for us. He is supposed to call us today to get it all set up. My husband is in tears everytime he thinks about it because no one has ever done anything like that for him and he feels so blessed by God and honored that someone would do something like that for him. Then we come home from church and we are watching a movie together and we get a knock on the door and it is our neighbor the one who had fixed our truck for cheap when we first moved here well he just got a riding mower and he is offering to mow everyone's yards for $10 each well we told him that we didnt get paid until Wednesday and he was like no problem I can mow it now and you can pay me then so my husband told him that since he was willing to do that then on Wednesday we would give him $15. We really see that as a blessing from God. Our neighbor might not know that God is using him but God blesses His children by different ways. Then last nights church service they layed on hands and prayed for people to receive God's blessings.  On Thursday-Saturday our church is having a yard sale and one of the ladies asked me if I wanted to come out and help and be a part of it well being hurt in the past when being involved in churches has caused my husband and i to build up walls and coming into this he had said we will attend church but we are not getting involved. I laugh as I write this because I have since then attended a lady's meeting which was awesome and i was set free of some things and we bow faithfully attended Sunday school which my husband has never wanted to do but he said lets try it and he now loves it and now we are going to help out these 3 days at the yard sale, and then on Sunday is the labor day church picnic and then on September 10th my husband had me sign us up for membership class. All of this after saying 2 months ago that we were not going to get involved just attend. God is working everything out to His glory. I can see His hand moving in our lives and I can feel that fire that once burned for Him so long ago.  My husband has a dropped foot and back issues but he went forward for prayer and we may not see the healing at this time but we know that God is healing him and that is due time we will see the evidence of the healing.  God is so faithful and He will work everything out you just have to have faith and not look at your situation but keep your eyes on Him and He will make a way. Read your Bible, pray and worship God daily and in all things. Cover all of your bases and don't ever tie God's hands. I say this because we did that we were robbing God by not paying tithes so we were shutting the windows of heaven and tying Gods hands.  Is our life perfect, no. But we are made perfect through Jesus. We still have problems that only God can work out. We have 8 children that are grown and we raised them in and out of church but the know right from wrong and they have known God but they are not currently living christian lives and this breaks our hearts. We pray that God brings back to their remembrance the words of God that they know and that God sends Godly people into their lives so that way that will turn back to God. We have a daughter who is living in a drug addiction life and she is in bondage. It is upsetting to see this and know this but we cant get in our flesh and get angry because she has her own feel will to do what she wants to do but we can pray for her and pray that God sends witnesses into her life.

Positive speaking

Last night we had a lady's meeting at church and I attended and I have to say that I really enjoyed myself. Even though I really don't know anyone there everyone was friendly. A lady from my Sunday school class sat with me and her mother-in-law also sat with us. The message that was brought was about the woman in the Bible that was completely bent over for 18 years. Jesus saw her and called her to him and healed her. This message was really good because it was said that the weight of this life weighs us down with burdens that Jesus never intended for us to bear. Afterwards they had an alter call for people to be prayed for and I went forward because I have been holding onto some past hurts that have been inflicted on me by the church and I have allowed Satan to use those things against me. I feel better mentality today than I have felt in a long while. I am suddenly now perfect uh no but through the blood of Jesus he perfects me. On another note I am trying to speak more positive. Even with the natural eye financially things stink for us but I know that God is working everything out because we are not tying His hands because we are paying tithes. We are standing on the promises that the Bible says that because we are faithfully paying our tithes that the windows of heaven are open to us. I cannot let doubt come out of my mouth because in doing so I am allowing Satan to rob me and I am not going to let that happen anymore.

Words

Ok so I went to church Wednesday night and they taught on the power of words. It isn't that I have never been taught what they are teaching because my mother raised me and helped teach me all these things. I am just having trouble these days because I don't feel the fire that I once felt. I feel so cold and it scares me. I know most people would never be this honest for fear that people will condemn and judge them. But if I can't be honest even with myself then what do I have because that is all I have is my honesty. I really do want to be on fire again because I miss it so much. It seemed so much easier to cope with life when I was on fire and I could actually feel something. I pray that the fire will return. I pray, read the Bible and try really hard. I just feel that sometimes I am going through the motions. I no longer want to just go through the motions. I want to feel in my heart again the feelings that I am supposed to have. They say don't talk about the problem but speak to the problem. I am not really sure how to do that with finances because no matter how much I quote scripture and pray concerning our money problems it seems that nothing changes. I feel so low because I have no way to provide for my children in which they need to be provided for. My son is playing football and I can't even afford to go watch him play. All I can say is that God knows our situation and only He can provide for us. My husband goes for an orientation on Monday which gives him more hours and a .50$ raise. Yes I do see God's hand moving in our lives and yes I am very thankful for all He is doing for us but I am still awaiting a break through so we can quit struggling to provide for our kids.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Ok so today was payday yet again and after tithes, bills and gas we are yet again broke. I fully Thank God that are bills are paid for the week but it would be nice to have some money to buy some things that we need. For instance our son plays football but we can't watch him play because we have no money to get into his games. Also he goes straight to practice from school tomorrow before thw game and they are planning to get food from Bo Jangles and that is $6 that we dont have. My husband even tried to get a loan and got turned down. I feel so frustrated and I don't know what to do because we are doing everything we know to do. Praying, studying the Bible, tithing and trusting God. I feel so lost and it feels like we are headbutting a brick wall but there is no way that we are going to back down or give up. It just feels like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We keep telling ourselves that everything is going to be ok. I just feel like crying and screaming when are the windows of heaven going to open up for us. Then we get a note from the office of where we live that they are no longer going to mow anyones yard and we are responsible for it and if it gets above 4 inches they will cut it and charge us $40. We have no way of cutting it and we surely dont have $40 to pay them to cut it so now what.

Confusion

As I sit here today I am so confused. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that by being obedient to God and paying tithes that we have done the right thing and I by no means regret doing so and we will continue to do so. When you pay tithes you are opening the windows of heaven for God to be able to bless you. Ok now for the confusion, my husbands job has cut his hours and our gas light is on and we won't have the gas to go to church on Sunday. He doesn't get paid until Monday so that isnt going to help us right now. You hear stories all the time about people walking up to people and handing them money and saying that God told them to and those are wonderful to hear. I just don't understand why we are struggling so bad financially when we are doing the right things.  They preach in church that christians should not be living in poverty because poverty is a curse and I believe that is true. We have prayed against it and my husband is doing everything he can to find work so he can support his family because that is the right thing to do but it seems that the harder we tey the further down we are pushed. Are far as our walk with God we are closer than we have been in a long while. We are thankful for a running vehicle, food on the table, clothes on our backs, shoes on our feet and a roof over our heads. But we are lacking financially to be able to get gas for our vehicle and purchase household supplies. I guess I am just wondering when we are going to get a break and see things turn around in our favor. We stand strong in knowing that God works everything out always and not in our timing but in his timing. I am by no means doubting God I am just human and I am confused and I really dont understand why this is happening to us. I had a friend say that we should get together sometime foe lunch and its not like I can say to her that I am broke and cant afford it because that is embarrassing. We have a daughter that is strung out on drugs in another state and she calls begging for money and we are not going to send her money for drugs so all we can do is pray for her. Even if we had money we would not send it to her because we will not support her habit. We are raising 2 of her 5 kids without any financial support from her or anyone else and we are constantly having to scrape together money for their needs. When are we going to catch a break? We are doing all the right things and we continue to be beat down. Our son is playing football. Today is their first game. Someone donated cleats because the ones he had were baseball cleats. Now we have to scrape together the money for him pants and a mouth guard. When my husband gets paid Monday we will have just enough to pay tithes, get gas, pay a bill and get his stuff and then we will be broke again. I don't understand why we have to be broke constantly when we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. My husband wants a full time job and he is a hard worker. McDonald's told him that when school started that he would get 40 hours a week but they are giving him less and less hours every day. All I do know is that God will make a way and work it all out but, in the meantime I still sit here confused but knowing that I will never turn back or back down.

First day back to school

Well today is the first day back to school for the kids. I am happy for them because it is good for them and it gives them something ti do, but I am a little sad for me because I have nothing to do and I am alone all day. I am by no means feeling sorry for myself I just want to have purpose for my life during the day when the kids are at school and my husband is at work. After school every day my son has football practice and my daughter rides the bus home. My husband picks up our son from practice after work. It all works out nicely.  Last night we went to a skate party that my husband's work had. We all really had a lot of fun. I didn't like that we missed church but we felt like since we are always faithful to attend church then missing one service is ok. If it was just us planning a family time tgen we would not have planned it on a church night. We feel that it is important to be in church whenever the church doors are open.  I really had to struggle with myself about it because I didn't want God to feel that I was putting something else before him. But then I had to tell myself that God knows my heart and He knows that we were not doing that. Satan just enjoys beating me up but I am getting stronger and better equipped to stand up to him now.

Being Blessed even in the little things

Today we signed the kids up for school and when we went to my daughters school they gave her a brand new pair of tennis shoes and 2 pair of socks and school supplies, afterwards we went to my sons school and they gave them each 4 outfits, socks and underwear and him a pair of shoes and school supplies.  They now have everything that they need to have a successful school year.  Also a prayer of my son's was answered because he is on the football team and his first practice is tonight.  The coach told him to show up with cleats which is funny because a few weeks ago my son was blessed with a new pair of cleats in hopes that he would be able to be on the team.  Even though we didn't know that he was going to be able to be on the team but, God knew and supplied what he needed in advance.  God is good all the time and in his time because school starts in 2 days and we did not know what we were going to do but, God knew and in His timing all needs were met.  I just sit back in awe as to how God continues to grow our faith and bless us day to day in what seems like small things to some people but, to us is a big thing right now.  I honestly believe that if we had not been obedient in paying our tithes that God would not have blessed us the way that He is right now.  Because we were tying God's hands by robbing him. People just don't understand what kind of a curse that they are bringing on themselves when they rob God of what is rightfully His to begin with.  It isn't a matter of God needing your money because God already owns everything but, it is about obedience to God. Now that we are tithing we have allowed God to open the windows of Heaven and to be able to bless us.  I will forever be in amazement of how good God is.  I would rather be in obedience to God than to bring on curses that punishes our whole family.  What is really awesome about this is that I didn't have to say anything to my husband about this.  He made up his mind for himself that we needed to start tithing and be in obedience.  I feel that this was important because he is the head of the household and he needs to lead this family.  I shouldn't have to talk him into it or convince him that it is the right thing to do.  He has to do it because it is something that he believes in and that God has dealt with him about and that is exactly what has happened.  I thank God daily that He is talking to my husband and that my husband is hearing His voice and obeying Him.  God has truly worked a miracle in His life with bringing his heart back around to Him.  I also feel that God is healing my husbands back and leg and that he will be completely healed.  I feel that it is a progress.  I will continue to keep everyone updated as to how God is moving in our lives and I pray that it touches someone and they would come to know God.  It is never to late and you have never gone to far away from God that you cannot go back to him all you have to do is talk to Him and ask him back into your life because no matter what God will not turn His back on you.

It has been awhile since I have blogged but I just felt like I needed to share this so here goes. We used to be involed in church and allowed God to guide and lead us but we backslid and quit attending church do to various excuses. Life got in the way. God never left us but we left God. Well a little over a month ago we felt like we needed to go back to church and change our lives so we went to church. We attended for a couple of weeks although that was it not much changed in our lives. Well circumstances happened and we moved and was able to get a nice place that we could afford but in moving we were not able to take most of our things or our furniture. It took every dime we had to move and we were literally broke. We had no money, no food and no where to turn. My husband applied at a job agency and received a job but he needed a certain color shirt so we took the last of the change we had which was $1.06 and went to the thrift store and bought the shirt. On the way home the truck broke down. We prayed and asked God to please help us. I googled food pantrys in our area and only one came up so we called it and the lady arranged to meet us even though they were closed. We thought the truck might make it to the food pantry but it wouldn't so i called the lady back and told her that our truck was broke down and we couldn't meet her. After hanging up we were so scared not knowing what to do next. The next morning we called the lady back and asked if they could please deliver some food to us. She called us back and said that she would deliver to us. She said that she doesn't normally do that but she would. So that evening she showed up and blessed us with food. Before she left she noticed that we had no furniture so she made a referal and also invited us to church. We told her that if our truck was fixed we would see her on Sunday. Well a neighbor told us that if we bought the parts he would fix the truck for cheap and on Friday my husband got his last check from a previous job. It was just enough to get the parts, pay the neighbor and put gas in the truck. So Saturday came and the truck got fixed and we were able to go pick up the few remaining things that we could fit in one load and we left the rest trusting that God would provide for us. Well true to our word we went to church and as my husband said it was like coming home we instantly knew we were in the right place and back where God wanted us to be. About a week later the lady delivered us furniture and the next couple of days gave us clothes for our son which he needed. Over this past month we have gotten closer to God and every night we do a Bible study together as as a family. Also my husband has decided frim hearing the pastor preach that we have to tithe on all of our income. Well God directed him to earn $20 and we were struggling because the job fell through and never called him in. We were hand washing clothes in our bathtub and hanging them on the truck to dry. But when he got the $20 he did laundry, got gas and had the $2 exactly left for tithes but he had to westle with the devil because he wanted to buy a soda lol. Bit he put his foot down and said no he was bo longer going to be cursed and he put the $2 in the church offering bucket. That was just the beginning. He did a one day job and then Burger King gave him a job but he had put in an application in at McDonald's also and even had an interview. But he went to work for Burger King and after about 3 hours they sent him home and told him to call back that night to find out when to come back well they had told him that he had to work on Sunday and he had prayed that he would get a job that would let him off on Sunday so he could ge to church. Well when he called burger king back they told him that they couldn't use him anymore. At the time it was confusing but we knew we had to trust God. Well a van comes around during the week that feeds the kids lunch and that has helped us so much and has been a blessing. Well McDonald's called and hired my husband and gave him every Sunday off. Well the 1st of the month came and first things first we paid tithes, then rent and put gas in the truck and then we were broke again but we were ok because we were trusting God because we paid tithes and we knew God would bless us. Well we got the pay for the one day job and the burger king pay and we paid tithes on those too and put gas in the truck and baught a few household things. Well yesterday we took the kids to the lake for family time but we knew the gas was running low and we didnt know what we were going to do but we never once regretted paying tithes and we knew all we could do was trust God because we knee that my husband's first paycheck would be next week so we decided to trust God. Well this morning I activated my husband's paycard for work and he had $37 on it because he got paid for the orientation that he went to for McDonald's. Well first things first we webt online and paid tithes. And when my husband gets home we have enough to get gas for the week and some food. Well the kids need shoes and clothes for school which starts this week and we have been trusting God because our hands are tied well i called the school this morning and our daughters school is getting her a pair of shoes and tomorrow i go to my son's school because they are giving away shoes and clothes and school supplies. God is so good and he comes through in his time and not ours all we have to do is be obedient and trust in Him. I know that God is going to continue blessing us and get us out of poverty because it is not his will that we live in poverty. And bow that we have quit robbing God we have seen him blessing us. I just felt like I needed to share our story and I pray that it helps someone.

When life punches you in the face

Yesterday was awful. I was running on little to no sleep and it looks like today isnt going to be much better. My daughter was arrested because she got tired of being knocked around by her boyfriend and she faught back and he called the police. She is going to be on an ankle moniter until April when she goes back to court. I am so stressed over all this mess because she wants to come home but she cant for a while now and she is all alone. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to pack up and go be with her for all of this but I dont know what to do. If only we could. Plus we are moving and we dont know where. My husband likes his job but if worse came to worse i know he could find a new one. I really hate living here and so does he. Well today I have an appointment with a psychologist and I hope it helpes because right now my nerves are completely shot. Which isnt a wonder because look at all that is going on in my life. The kids are also in rare form. They hate school and every morning is a fight to get them to get up and ready and to the car. They dont want to keep their room clean and getting them to take a shower is like pulling teeth.  All they ever want to do is be glued to their tablets online. They dont want to play with their toys and they have a lot of really nice things. I dont know what to do I am at a loss. I know for me my mind has a lot of things that it wants to do but I don't have the energy. It is like the minute that I get one room clean and go to the next three room I just cleaned is dirty all over again. If the kids would just clean up after themselves it would make my life so much easier. Cleaning up after grown kids is getting crazy. Some changes have got to be made and the sooner the better for everyone. Something soon has to give because I dont know how much more stress i can take. Tomorrow I go for the second set of gel injections in my knees.

At a crossroads

We seem to be at a crossroads in our life right now because we don't want to continue living where we are but we are not sure as to where we need to move to. We would love to move back to Florida but that would mean my husband giving up his job. Although him finding another job really isn't a problem because there is work there too and him finding a job has never been hard for him to do. It would mean packing up and leaving which might not be a bad thing and our daughter lives there. We have nothing here in Kentucky even though his family lives here. They are not close it is like they only want you around when you are doing something for them. I really hate it here and I really want to move but I am not going to push to get my way. I am just going to see what happens. The doctors in Florida were much better there. The weather is better so that is less pain for me and him. Even talking too him he wants to leave but I think he is nervous about it. I think I am going to talk to our daughter later and see if she can help.  Something has to give because I know we are both miserable here. At least there maybe we would have a little help with the kids so that way me and him could have a date night every now and then because right now we have no alone time because there is no one here that will watch the kids for us and it isn't like they are bad kids either because everyone says that they are well behaved.  It is hard to trust people with your kids especially when the family doesn't treat your kids as blood.  It is hard when people that are supposed to be family treat others better. I don't mean to sound so negative but all of it is true. I hate feeling this way and I know that he does too.  Even the kids are not happy here. The school sucks. I am not saying that the teachers don't seem nice but the way the kids say things are I am not happy with the school at all.  The kids that go to school there are a bunch of heathens. They act out by hitting and calling names and they are racist.  I have tried to teach our children not to see color but to look at who the person is by the way they act but this school undermines everything I have taught them because it is prominently black and the kids are awful and the adults really don't do anything to help the matters. I am hoping that my husband will see that this move might be the best for us all. I love my husband and I will stand behind him with whatever decision he makes. On another note I think that the gel injections are helping because I don't feel as much pain in them although I am having pain in my right shoulder still and now in my right elbow. I have told my doctor numerous times and she has done nothing to help me. Also my fybro kills me at times and my doctor does nothing for it. The rheumatologist that she sent me to gave me some cream to rub on the painful areas and told me to tak motrin. The heart doctor said I am fine even though my cardiologist in Florida saw me every 3 months and we keeping an eye on me because of my heart problems and had me on medication for it. Also I saw a pulmonologist here that said my COPD and asthma went away even though the pulmonologist in Florida saw me every 3 months and had everything stabilized with medication.  Now here I have chest pains and sometimes have a hard time getting my breath. I have lost weight so they can't use that as an excuse so I am at a loss as of what to do when the so called professionals don't even help. My headaches have come back also. I have the daith piercing which helped with the migraines but not completely removed the headaches. Something has to give somewhere I just hope soon.

pain pain and more pain

OK so Friday I went to the knee doctor and had gel injected into my knees.  It felt a little more painful like pressure while injecting but, nothing as bad as the cortisone shot I once had in my foot.  I will never again have one because the pain was so bad and I can handle shots but, that is something that I never want to experience again.  On the other hand the gel injections for my knees are not to bad and I have to go back 2 or 3 more times, once a week until the series is done.  I am hoping that this gives me some relief because I already suffer from fybro pain and that pain with it does not help.  It has only been a couple of days since the injections and I am already feeling slight relief from them.  I am going to have to make an appointment with my doctor to have my right elbow checked because it is causing me some  pain and I need to find out why.  My husband has severe back and leg pain due to problems and I feel sorry for him because I really know how it feels to be in constant pain.  He has been to the doctor but their only answer for everything is injections which he has done in the past and they did not help him.  The doctor in Florida finally got he pain level manageable but then we moved to Kentucky and the doctors here are of no help to people who really need pain medication.  I really hope that someone can help him soon.  We are now awaiting our taxes to come back so we can move because where we are living now has become not so great anymore due to the fact that we can have nothing in our garage or on our porch because people have the guts to walk right up and steal whatever they feel they want.  I am so sick of it because that is not how I want to live.  Also the tiles in the kitchen and the dining room and bedroom and living room have come up and the landlord will not repair it and our refrigerator  has went out again and we have had to get our own and the stove is a hunk of junk that he installed after the first one quit.  Also the central air is out and he stuck in 2 air conditioners which we had to go buy adapter plug ins because this place is not equipped with 3 prong plug ins.  I have a deep fryer that I cannot even use because it blows the breaker every time I turn it on.  There is so much that is wrong with this house that we really just want out, we have been here over a year to long.  Now I have to go find some boxes so that way I can start packing for our big move to who knows where.

Movie review and more

OK so I went and saw Fifty Shades Darker and oh boy was it a really good movie.  I was so excited to have some me time and on top of that for the movie to really be awesome, well that just made my time even more enjoyable.  I went to the Movie Tavern in Nicholasville, KY.  The service there is great and I would highly recommend this place to anyone looking to have a good time in a really relaxing atmosphere.  I am hoping to take the kids there soon to watch a movie because they have an arcade and a kids menu.  The seats are awesome because they recline and have a table so you can eat in comfort.  You have your own button so that way if you need a refill on anything your waitstaff can provide it for you.  You don't have to miss a minute of your movie because they are there to provide you with anything that you might need.  Just remember that if they treat you good to please take care of them at the end of your movie because they are trying to make a living and this is their job.  I have had some lousy waitstaff at other places in my day and believe me if they do a sorry job then I won't leave a tip.  I believe that if a waitstaff wants their tips then they must earn them with a good attitude and prompt service.  I don't expect them to go beyond their duties to make  me feel like a queen I just expect them to do their job without an attitude problem.  I understand that everyone has good and bad days but, when you are working for tips it is best to leave your nasty attitude and bad day at the door, especially if you expect to make any money.  I used to be a waitress and I didn't always make the best money and no it wasn't because I had an attitude because I always checked that at the door, I think sometimes it is just because some families scrape together enough money to finally take their family out for an evening or afternoon that sometimes they just don't have the extra cash to leave a tip.  I know there has been times when that has been the case in our family.  I do feel bad about not being always able to leave a tip but, when we are able we always make sure to take care of the ones that take care of us.  OK now about some things that I am dealing with right now.  I feel like a big blimp and that I am gaining weight.  I am able to fit into smaller jeans but, on some days I am retaining water and it feels like I am being squeezed to death in jeans that were too big the day before.  I feel depressed and I am not sure what to do.  I have tried to "just shake it off" but, that is not the case it doesn't work like that.  I have lost interest in everything that once made me happy and that scares me.  A few months back my doctor added a medicine to my long list of crap but, even that has not helped and it feels like I am getting worse.  It is even to a point where every time I eat anything I feel guilty and then I feel sick.  I am going to try to make an appointment to see a psychologist because something has got to give somewhere, I can't go on feeling like this.  No I do not have feelings of suicide, some people might but I am not one of those people.  It seems that anytime you tell someone that you are depressed the first thing that pops into their minds are "oh no she is suicidal" and that is just not the case with me because I could not imagine not being here for my family.  I will keep y'all posted on everything and let you know.  Some days I just feel like I am going through the motions with life and the pain from the fybromyalga doesn't help it is just a constant that is always there and makes me feel like a failure at times because I can't do all the things that I want to do that I was once able to do.  I told my husband that I want to go back to working on the food truck at the carnival because at least when I did that I felt like my life had purpose.  Now I feel like I just am alive but I have no purpose to my life.  He tells me that is not true that I am a mother, wife, friend and that he loves me with all of his heart and that makes me feel good and deep down I know it is true but, some days it is harder than others to just make it.  Some days all I do is lay in bed unable to get up and do anything other than go to the bathroom.  Some days I feel as though I am falling apart with all of the things that is wrong with me and then other days I have a more positive outlook and I know that everything is OK.  Well I will leave you all with that thought and a promise to keep posting and pushing myself to be a better me no matter how hard the day is.  I will survive and so will you!!

ok so today I am going to see the movie Fifty Shades Darker.  I am going by myself because I have no one to go with  me.  Being a loner is at times lonely but I really do not have anyone that I talk to or hang around.  If my kid wasn't in Florida then I know she would be around which would be cool because I can somehow always talk to her or hang out with her.  I have another kid in Tennessee but she is too far away also.  I always wanted a big family because I always thought that big families were close but with our that is just not the case.  It seems that as everyone grew up they also grew apart which really breaks my heart.  My husbands family is the same.  They are not close at all and the only time anyone really calls on anyone is if they need something but if you are there for someone don't expect that they will be there for you when you need them.  I hate it really because I was not raised that way.  My mom was always there for us and we always tried to be there for her whenever we could.  Looking back I really wish we would have been around her more because I really do miss her now that she is gone and with dad being gone now also it really hit home just how alone I really feel.  I mean yes I have my husband and we are really close but people just don't realize how much they feel lonely when 1 or even both of their parents are gone.  Ok now on to a different subject and that is the movie that I am going to see, I am excited to see it even though I am going by myself.  I read all of the books and they were fabulously entertaining and steamy.  Some people may be embarrassed about the books and the movies but, I am not.  I find them tittulating and hot.  Some people do not find B and D romantic but, there is something that is so risky and hot about it. Now S and M is a whole other world that I am just not into but the other as long as you are 2 consenting adults and you like it then that is all that matters.  For me what happens in the marriage bed that both people are comfortable with then that is between them and is no one else's business.  Not everyone likes vanilla all the time, some of us like a little swirl now and then.  Ok enough on that subject lol.  Tomorrow I will add my thoughts on how I enjoyed the movie or weather I enjoyed the movie.  The first movie left me wanting more but, I guess they were just testing the waters to see just how far they could go.  I have seen regular movies that have had more sex in them than the first one did.  I'm just saying, it need a little more umph then it had.  Although everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that is just mine.  Well I am going to close with that and go get ready to see my movie.

Nothing to do

Well the kids are back in school.  I just was not able to home school them because they did not want to do the work that I gave them without a constant battle so the best choice for everyone was to put them back in public school.  Now after taking a few minutes a day to clean the house I have nothing to do.  A person can only watch so much tv and play so many video games before you feel that your brain is turning to mush and you feel like screaming from pure boringness. At least when carnival season starts up maybe we can do that.  I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes because I have no one to talk to and the dogs don't talk back.  I would find a job right now but that is pointless because my hubby really doesn't want to me have a job.  I am even having trouble with writing  my blog because I have nothing to write about that seem interesting enough for anyone to read.  At times it feels like all of my nerves are running at once and going crazy and that is not a good feeling at all.  I am waiting to hear back from my knee doctor because the pain in my knees is so bad that I am finding no relief at all and it is killing me.  I am waiting for them to get the shipment in for the injections, not cortizone injections because I have already had those but, a cushion that they are going to inject because my knees are rubbing bone on bone and it is horribly painful.  Between that and the fibromyalga I feel like a big ball of pain most of the time.  I have been doing singing videos which I love because I love to sing.  My mom loved singing too.  Today is her birthday which she is celebrating in heaven.  Maybe that is why I am having a hard time today.  being without her is really hard.  She was the most awesome woman.  I also miss spending time with my daughter and she lives so far away I just wish she would come home.  I missed a lot with my mom living far away and I don't feel like I spent enough time with her and if I would have known that she would have been leaving so soon then I would have spent more time with her and I just don't want my daughter to have to go through what I am going through.  I don't want anyone to have to know the pain of regrets that I am living.  Spend whatever time you can with the family or friends that love you because before you know it they will be gone and you will have missed out on some great moments that you can never get back.

Nervous snacking

Here lately I have a huge problem with nervous snacking.  My nerves are shot and life seems to be really kicking me while I'm down.  I feel on edge at all times and I have to find ways to keep my hands busy because otherwise I will have no fingernails or I will constantly be eating snacks.   I am not at all happy at bout it either.  My doctor won't prescribe anything and I don't understand why because  in Florida I was on something and cold turkey I'm not now.  I  have tried yoga, deep breathing and stuff like that but nothing helps. I  am now crocheting a blanket for my husband and sometimes that doesn't even help. My insides shake and my legs and hands shake and at times it feels as though I am losing my mind.  Talks with my daughter in Florida help because she understands what I am going through. Grief sucks really bad.  I want to leave this state because it really does depress me everytime I live here in fall further into a depression. It is not healthy for anyone to live life this way. I would love to be at least simi normal. Even my kids are not happy living here and the schools are terrible.  Something has got to give and soon or I feel as though I  might lose what little I have left of my mind and soul. I need help and I don't know where to turn because the counselor didn't help she suggested coping skills that I have already tried that don't help. I  just want to be in a place where I am happy and I feel as though I am not just existing but yet I really am living life. I am tired of crying on a daily basis and feeling alone. I am supposed to be the strong one not this weak and useless piece of nothing.   Soon hopefully soon things will change for the better. Right now I am homeschooling the kids because of the schools here and I feel like I am a failure at that because I suddenly feel at a loss. I want the kids to be in school and to have fun and enjoy life as children should but here that isn't possible because the school isn't as it should be.  I just am just holding onto the hope that soon we can leave this God forsaken place and move to where we can all be happy and really enjoy life again like we used to.

Grief

Grief washes over you in waves crashing though the very depths of your soul.  One minute you feel fine and the next you feel as though your beating heart is being violently ripped from your chest.  The ones that should have your back because you have always had theirs seem to disappear right before your very eyes. You feel so alone even in a crowded room full of people.  When will this ever end? Just when you feel like you are learning to cope and things are getting better after years of dealing with this pain another death occurs and the feelings rush right back only this time even more intense because you find out that you really are alone. So many questions keep swirling though your mind. All of the why's, and now what's flow through your very being. Sometimes it claws at your soul ripping away the little life that you feel that you have left. When will this ever end? When will all the pain just end?  I really don't understand why all of this is happening to me because I thought I had lived a fairly good life and did mostly the right thing but then things like this happen and it is like both legs get kicked out from under you.  Now as you crawl around because you can't seem to stand back up. It hurts way to bad. When will all the people that you have been there for their whole lives be there for you?  Why does it seem that people turn their backs on you when you really need them the most? I am full of questions and really so confused.  I feel as though I have lost sight of what my purpose in life is. I just feel like I seem to exist.   Day to day and minute to minute I feel as though I am just going through the motions of life without knowing what is going to strike me next. My heart feels like the wall is growing taller around it and that now it is covered with thorns.  Will I ever be the same again? Will I ever be truly happy again? When will someone full heartedly be there for me as I have been there for them? What have I done that has been so wrong to deserve to be suffering through all of this pain? These are just a few of the many questions trickling through my muddled brain.  Why, when and how?

Kids

Ok so I love all my kids with all of my heart. I am always available for them so if they need me I am here for them. Call me anytime and I  will be an ear to listen to them, a shoulder to cry on or whatever.  Sometimes though I  don't understand them at all. It seems as though they get passed at me for not reason at all or at least for reasons that they don't tell me so q stay constantly in the dark about where our relationship stands. It puts a lot of stress on me and I don't know why I do this to myself.  I want my kids to be happy and I hate when they are not. I am not a pushy mom either because I don't try to make them be in a relationship with me. If they don't want to talk to me I don't push them. They are grown and they have to realize that life is short and they won't get the time back that they are losing when they are not speaking to me. I stay confused and I hate feeling like I am not good enough for my children.   I missed out on a lot of time being spent with my mom because I was stubborn and I wanted things my way. I mean I still talked to her but I should have been there for her more than I was and I have to live with those regrets for the rest of my life because she is gone now and I cannot get that back. I also have regrets about my dad because in the end I thought that he didn't want to talk to me and I stopped calling him. I wish I would have just swallowed my pride and called him and went to see him. I let so much crap stand in the way and now he is gone and I can't get that back. I just don't want my kids to have to go through life with regrets because it will eat at you every day for the rest of your life.

Life

So far life I guess is getting better or should I say easier to handle or cope with.  Some days I feel like I am going through the motions while others I feel like I am enjoying life.  Last night I dreamed stupid dreams like I dreamed my husband cheated on me which is crazy because he would never do that because that is one of his many pet peeves.  Well in my dream I am so totally passed off that when I woke up to the alarm going off and I had to wake him for work I was still passed off and I was like get up for work. Usually I  am nicer than that. He asks can you make the coffee and I was like I guess so I  get up and go to the bathroom and then go to the kitchen to make coffee and I am still mad and I am giving him dirty looks and he doesn't even realize that I am mad at him for a dream. So I am making our coffee and I am telling myself what is wrong with you it was a dream that he has no control over and you know he would be never do that so get a grip and wipe it from your mind, which I did and then I was fine but could you imagine if I didn't wow that was just a strange feeling for me and I really didn't like it at all. I on different note, people like actors and famous people are mad because Donald Trump is now the president and they were all like they were going to leave the country because he won. I am like we'll bye because that is so retarded.  People come to this country because theirs is so terrible but since they didn't get their way they are leaving well I guess your country wasn't so bad then after all if you are going to act like a spoiled brat who lost the game so you are taking your ball and going home. Well all I can say is good luck with that.  People always complain when someone new takes office. Not everyone is going to be happy with every choice that is made but you know what it is time to put on our big kid pants and act like adults. Suck it up buttercup it's 4 years and then we get to vote again.  Look at all the past presidents there has always been problems and we are always going to have problems so get over yourselves and if you think you will be so much happier in a foreign country then bye and don't hit your butt on the boarder on the way out. And when things get tough there or better here don't act like you want to come back because you walked out remember that.  Another thing that is on my nerves right now is the Black Lives Matter crap. Well hello all lives matter not just one race and color.  Whites fought to end slavery just as much as the blacks so let's get that straight and you know what that happened in the past so let's move on and get over it. I think that people just want something to argue and fight about.  Every color and race has problems so quit acting like babies and get over it. If people would start dealing with their own issues and stop getting into everyone else's business people would be less stressed and a lot happier.   One last grip before I close,  homeless beggars and homeless vets, veterans get a check from the government and wounded vets get paid accordingly so I don't see how they are not making it without being on the streets and for them to be begging for money rides my last nerve. And bums begging is a disgrace, if you are able to stand on a street corner and beg for money then you are able bodied enough to get a job and work.  If my husband and I can make it with a family to support then a single man or woman has no excuse why they can't make it without standing on the corner and bumming. Yes we have had hard times but we have always found a way to make it. People need to quit making excuses and stand up for themselves and make it. Yes sometimes people may need a hand up and there is nothing wrong with that but standing on the corner bumming is no excuse and a disgrace.

Death of a parent

My dad pass away on Janney 7th 2017. It hit me harder than I really thought it would.  Because my mom passed away January 3rd 2010 I thought that I would have been better able to cope with his passing.  I was sadly mistaken.  I am still feeling the affects of grief.  Depression sits like a blanket of fog all around me. I  feel as though I am going through the motions of living but I am not happy with life. No I don't want to die because I love my family I just don't feel joy right now and I can't seem to shake this.  I  want to move forward but thoughts and what if's drag my mind in reverse and the if only's dig at me also like nails on a chalkboard they grated at my soul.  My family needs mee and I feel selfish for not being able to move forward with life.  My dad and I had our problems but we never stopped loving each other.  I may have gotten angry at situations and said stupid things to my husband or myself but I didn't say them to him.  He lived life to me in strange ways that I didn't always understand. He died in a way that I was pained to hear. He had lung cancer due to years of smoking. He knew the risks of his actions but he kept on smoking.  He watched his sister die of stomach cancer a few years ago so he knew the horrors of cancer.  When they found the spot on his lung he chose to turn a blinds eye to it and that always confused me. There is no doubt in my mind that he loved God and his family.  When he learned new things about religion he was more than eager to share it with us. I didn't always agree with him but I never let him know because he really believed it and I didn't want to affect his faith.  I  had stopped calling him in the last few months but I didn't know that those would be his last few months.  I had thought that he was mad at me calling all the time but I guess he was just upset because he knew he was dying and he wanted to see us. I wish he would have told me but I can't go back in time and change the past. I am now going to live life with no regrets.  If I have something to say I am going to say it. I want to live life and spend time with people who mean the world to me.  Life is so short and unexpected and I don't want to have anymore regrets. Now I just need to get over and or thru this funk.  It is really weighing on me and I don't like the way I feel.  Even though I have my husband and my children I feel alone and abandoned.  I wish that I could have gotten to tell my mom and my dad just one last time how much I love them but I feel as though that was stolen from me and I can't wrap my brain around it.  I just want to warn people to not take for granted the people who are still living and are part of their life. Make sure you tell them you love them because believe me you don't want to have to go through the rest of your life with regrets and I  wish and what if and if only. Theses things will haunt your dreams and over power your thoughts. 

Bordem

My mother always told me that intelligent people do not get bored because they are always smart enough to find something to occupy their time. She also told me that I was intelligent.  I tell my children this also.  For one I think it lets them know that they are smart and gives them self confidence.  And two it gives me a way to keep them from telling me that they are bored.  Trust me after hearing that enough you will stop saying it.  Even as an adult I still get to where I don't know what to do and I can hear my mother in my ear saying, "intelligent people don't get bored and you are intelligent so find something to do".  I really miss my mom at times like these.  I really think that is another reason that I miss my daughter Sarah so much is because we are to a point that we are friends and it is really nice to be able to sit down with another adult female and talk and know that person isn't judging you and they are not going to go spill your business to someone else.  Being able to write this blog allows me to be able to get out everything that is in my head and makes me be able to breathe a little easier.  Because when everything stays bottled up inside it really does drive a person crazy.  Here is a fact for you, people that don't get enough vitamin C, like from the sun, are more depressed than people who get tons of sun.  They did a study on it and it is really true.  I have also found that it is true for me personally because since being back in Kentucky especially during the winter months I have been more moody and depressed and when I tell my doctor the only thing she can do is up a dose and add another depression medication.  And they always ask the same question, do you have thoughts of suicide, harming yourself or others?. I am like no, I love myself to much to kill myself and even if I did have thoughts like that I sure wouldn't tell you so you can have me locked up.  Although I only say no to her, I only think the rest.  And yes I have thoughts of harming others especially when they get on my last nerve but, like I am ever going to tell my doctor that because it is not like I am ever going to do anything to anyone. The only way I would ever hurt someone is if they hurt my family and I think most people are like that.  People don't usually feel comfortable talking to their doctors about how they really feel because of fear of being judged negatively.  I try real hard not to judge others because Lord knows that I am far from perfect.  I tell my husband all the time when he says something about someone, "are you sleeping with them or do they live with you? no well then mind your own business and you will be less stressed and a whole lot happier".  People think that they need to be all of in everyone else's business but really they don't.  Just because you know someone or are friends with someone and you don't agree with what they do or whatever doesn't make their like your business.  If they do things that you don't like when you go out or they say things that you don't like then don't be their friend or go around them.  If you have to be around them then just agree to disagree and keep the air neutral.  I think sometimes people make life harder than it really has to be.  People feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion where the other person wants it or not when in reality everyone would be happier if they lived their own lives and unless asked for they kept their opinions to themselves.  People say everyone has an opinion just like everyone has a nose.  Well since we already have a nose then we sure don't need another one so keep your bugger nose to yourself and maybe you will have a long and happy life.  Because intelligent people don't get bored and stick their noses where they don't belong.