Sometimes I want to scream

I honestly have faith that everything is going to be ok financially with our family. That doesn't mean that there are not times when I want to scream at the top of my lungs. It's not that I don't trust God because I do it's just that sometimes I get frustrated at circumstances. Today my husband went to a job that he didn't even know that he had signed up for which he didn't sign up for they just assigned it to him then as he's getting off work they tell him that he needs to come in on 2nd shift which is 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. these hours are not good for our family we can't do these hours with one vehicle. So he called and let the agency know that he could no longer do this job but when the job that he supposed to start on Tuesday opens that he will be more than happy to do that job. At first they were really angry about it and told him that he couldn't do any more jobs for them but then after putting him on hold they came back and said that he could go to the job on Tuesday. I honestly pray that this job will work out for my husband because he has to work somewhere to support our family. My husband wants to work and support his family that isn't the issue it's just the jobs that they sent him on there always seems to be an issue or problem. We have church tonight and I just pray that I can have some peace in God and learn more about how to handle situations as they come up. At first my husband called me around lunch time and said that he wanted to stay home tonight and just read the Bible himself I didn't argue with him but then he called me back and apologized and said he was wrong and that yes would definitely be going to church tonight. He makes me feel sometimes like he is being double-minded because He Flops back and forth with yes we're going to church every time the doors are open and then like today well let's just stay home but then turns around in the next breath and like says let's go to church I was wrong. He is quick to repent which is good it just makes me feel bad because of the unstable in his thinking at times. Some days he seems so on fire and then other days he seems defeated I pray for him to always feel on fire for God. I am by no means trying to say that I am perfect. There are days when in my natural human way I just don't feel it I do struggle I do have a hard time fighting with my flesh. I try not to show a defeated attitude around my husband because I don't want to bring him down. Sometimes I resent the fact that he tries to treat me as a mother figure or a caregiver for him I don't want to be that I just want to be his wife. I don't mind helping him put his socks on because I do know that sometimes he does have a hard time with that. But sometimes he acts as though he is so helpless and can't do anything for himself that makes me angry I don't want to be angry. I love my husband with all of my heart. I just want to wring his neck when he acts the way he does sometimes. We have issues that we have to work on daily but together with God's help we will overcome.

God has a sense of humor

Well today our back window got put in and that was such a blessing. The pastor had spoke and said that God will bless you with better things. Well the window that had busted out was just a plain window but the one that God blessed us with has a slidding window in the middle of it. Then yesterday my husband went to get his badge for work which was supposed to start today but they have put it off and said it wont start until next week so today he called to see if they had anywhere else that he could work until then and they said they didn't have anything but if they got something that he could have it. Well he called back this afternoon to see if anything had come in and they told him that he already has an assignment to start work in the morning. He was very confused because he hadn't accepted an assignment. But he stopped by and then gave him the things he needs for the job and he starts at 6am tomorrow. Again God's blessings. He got paid today which was a day early and the first thing we did was pay tithes. Then after paying bills we had money left over for the first time in a long while. So we bought socks, towels, a broom and some much needed household supplies. We even have some money left over for gas and whatever else we might need later on. God is blessing us beyond measure and our Faith is growing. We had to stand believing even before we could see anything which is exactly how Faith works. Also after going forward and getting prayed for the other Sunday morning I have not had any stomach pain. I thank God for my healing. I know God has healed my husbands back and foot and I know that he will see the evidence of it.

The blessings of God

Daily God blows me away by his blessings. Anyone who has been reading my blog will know that we have been at some really low points in our life over the past 2 months. But in everything we have had Faith that God would work everything out to His glory. We couldn't always see how things were going to work out but we had Faith that it would. Back during the summer our back window in our truck got accidentally busted out. Now it really hasn't been a big deal because it has been warm although the rain has made it a little uncomfortable because it made the back seat wet. Well it is starting to get cooler and eventually winter is coming we even have said to each other that the kids can wear their jackets and we have blankets so it is going to be ok. Because we have price checked the cost of having to replace the window and we just did not have the finances to replace the window. Well we really haven't thought about it because it wasn't in our budget. Well we have been paying tithes faithfully on every dime that has come into our home. There has not been a question of should we pay tithes this time or what about this time. My husband settled it in his heart that from now on from this day forward we are going to pay tithes no matter what God comes first. I in my heart made up in my heart that I was going to quit looking at the circumstances and start having Faith for what God was doing and going to do. Also the place where we live sent out a letter saying that were no longer going to mow the lawns for the tenets.  Well ok we dont have a mower and they said once the grass reaches 4 inches then they will mow it and charge $40 towards our rent. Well that is just crazy because we are doing good to pay the bills we do have without having to pay an extra fee like that every month.  Well in the natural eye we didn't see what we were going to do because we don't have the finances to buy a mower right now. Well yesterday we saw the windows of Heaven open and God blessing us. A man that we dont know walked up to us in church and said that he noticed our window and that him and his wife want to have it fixed for us. He is supposed to call us today to get it all set up. My husband is in tears everytime he thinks about it because no one has ever done anything like that for him and he feels so blessed by God and honored that someone would do something like that for him. Then we come home from church and we are watching a movie together and we get a knock on the door and it is our neighbor the one who had fixed our truck for cheap when we first moved here well he just got a riding mower and he is offering to mow everyone's yards for $10 each well we told him that we didnt get paid until Wednesday and he was like no problem I can mow it now and you can pay me then so my husband told him that since he was willing to do that then on Wednesday we would give him $15. We really see that as a blessing from God. Our neighbor might not know that God is using him but God blesses His children by different ways. Then last nights church service they layed on hands and prayed for people to receive God's blessings.  On Thursday-Saturday our church is having a yard sale and one of the ladies asked me if I wanted to come out and help and be a part of it well being hurt in the past when being involved in churches has caused my husband and i to build up walls and coming into this he had said we will attend church but we are not getting involved. I laugh as I write this because I have since then attended a lady's meeting which was awesome and i was set free of some things and we bow faithfully attended Sunday school which my husband has never wanted to do but he said lets try it and he now loves it and now we are going to help out these 3 days at the yard sale, and then on Sunday is the labor day church picnic and then on September 10th my husband had me sign us up for membership class. All of this after saying 2 months ago that we were not going to get involved just attend. God is working everything out to His glory. I can see His hand moving in our lives and I can feel that fire that once burned for Him so long ago.  My husband has a dropped foot and back issues but he went forward for prayer and we may not see the healing at this time but we know that God is healing him and that is due time we will see the evidence of the healing.  God is so faithful and He will work everything out you just have to have faith and not look at your situation but keep your eyes on Him and He will make a way. Read your Bible, pray and worship God daily and in all things. Cover all of your bases and don't ever tie God's hands. I say this because we did that we were robbing God by not paying tithes so we were shutting the windows of heaven and tying Gods hands.  Is our life perfect, no. But we are made perfect through Jesus. We still have problems that only God can work out. We have 8 children that are grown and we raised them in and out of church but the know right from wrong and they have known God but they are not currently living christian lives and this breaks our hearts. We pray that God brings back to their remembrance the words of God that they know and that God sends Godly people into their lives so that way that will turn back to God. We have a daughter who is living in a drug addiction life and she is in bondage. It is upsetting to see this and know this but we cant get in our flesh and get angry because she has her own feel will to do what she wants to do but we can pray for her and pray that God sends witnesses into her life.

Positive speaking

Last night we had a lady's meeting at church and I attended and I have to say that I really enjoyed myself. Even though I really don't know anyone there everyone was friendly. A lady from my Sunday school class sat with me and her mother-in-law also sat with us. The message that was brought was about the woman in the Bible that was completely bent over for 18 years. Jesus saw her and called her to him and healed her. This message was really good because it was said that the weight of this life weighs us down with burdens that Jesus never intended for us to bear. Afterwards they had an alter call for people to be prayed for and I went forward because I have been holding onto some past hurts that have been inflicted on me by the church and I have allowed Satan to use those things against me. I feel better mentality today than I have felt in a long while. I am suddenly now perfect uh no but through the blood of Jesus he perfects me. On another note I am trying to speak more positive. Even with the natural eye financially things stink for us but I know that God is working everything out because we are not tying His hands because we are paying tithes. We are standing on the promises that the Bible says that because we are faithfully paying our tithes that the windows of heaven are open to us. I cannot let doubt come out of my mouth because in doing so I am allowing Satan to rob me and I am not going to let that happen anymore.

Words

Ok so I went to church Wednesday night and they taught on the power of words. It isn't that I have never been taught what they are teaching because my mother raised me and helped teach me all these things. I am just having trouble these days because I don't feel the fire that I once felt. I feel so cold and it scares me. I know most people would never be this honest for fear that people will condemn and judge them. But if I can't be honest even with myself then what do I have because that is all I have is my honesty. I really do want to be on fire again because I miss it so much. It seemed so much easier to cope with life when I was on fire and I could actually feel something. I pray that the fire will return. I pray, read the Bible and try really hard. I just feel that sometimes I am going through the motions. I no longer want to just go through the motions. I want to feel in my heart again the feelings that I am supposed to have. They say don't talk about the problem but speak to the problem. I am not really sure how to do that with finances because no matter how much I quote scripture and pray concerning our money problems it seems that nothing changes. I feel so low because I have no way to provide for my children in which they need to be provided for. My son is playing football and I can't even afford to go watch him play. All I can say is that God knows our situation and only He can provide for us. My husband goes for an orientation on Monday which gives him more hours and a .50$ raise. Yes I do see God's hand moving in our lives and yes I am very thankful for all He is doing for us but I am still awaiting a break through so we can quit struggling to provide for our kids.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Ok so today was payday yet again and after tithes, bills and gas we are yet again broke. I fully Thank God that are bills are paid for the week but it would be nice to have some money to buy some things that we need. For instance our son plays football but we can't watch him play because we have no money to get into his games. Also he goes straight to practice from school tomorrow before thw game and they are planning to get food from Bo Jangles and that is $6 that we dont have. My husband even tried to get a loan and got turned down. I feel so frustrated and I don't know what to do because we are doing everything we know to do. Praying, studying the Bible, tithing and trusting God. I feel so lost and it feels like we are headbutting a brick wall but there is no way that we are going to back down or give up. It just feels like we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We keep telling ourselves that everything is going to be ok. I just feel like crying and screaming when are the windows of heaven going to open up for us. Then we get a note from the office of where we live that they are no longer going to mow anyones yard and we are responsible for it and if it gets above 4 inches they will cut it and charge us $40. We have no way of cutting it and we surely dont have $40 to pay them to cut it so now what.

Confusion

As I sit here today I am so confused. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that by being obedient to God and paying tithes that we have done the right thing and I by no means regret doing so and we will continue to do so. When you pay tithes you are opening the windows of heaven for God to be able to bless you. Ok now for the confusion, my husbands job has cut his hours and our gas light is on and we won't have the gas to go to church on Sunday. He doesn't get paid until Monday so that isnt going to help us right now. You hear stories all the time about people walking up to people and handing them money and saying that God told them to and those are wonderful to hear. I just don't understand why we are struggling so bad financially when we are doing the right things.  They preach in church that christians should not be living in poverty because poverty is a curse and I believe that is true. We have prayed against it and my husband is doing everything he can to find work so he can support his family because that is the right thing to do but it seems that the harder we tey the further down we are pushed. Are far as our walk with God we are closer than we have been in a long while. We are thankful for a running vehicle, food on the table, clothes on our backs, shoes on our feet and a roof over our heads. But we are lacking financially to be able to get gas for our vehicle and purchase household supplies. I guess I am just wondering when we are going to get a break and see things turn around in our favor. We stand strong in knowing that God works everything out always and not in our timing but in his timing. I am by no means doubting God I am just human and I am confused and I really dont understand why this is happening to us. I had a friend say that we should get together sometime foe lunch and its not like I can say to her that I am broke and cant afford it because that is embarrassing. We have a daughter that is strung out on drugs in another state and she calls begging for money and we are not going to send her money for drugs so all we can do is pray for her. Even if we had money we would not send it to her because we will not support her habit. We are raising 2 of her 5 kids without any financial support from her or anyone else and we are constantly having to scrape together money for their needs. When are we going to catch a break? We are doing all the right things and we continue to be beat down. Our son is playing football. Today is their first game. Someone donated cleats because the ones he had were baseball cleats. Now we have to scrape together the money for him pants and a mouth guard. When my husband gets paid Monday we will have just enough to pay tithes, get gas, pay a bill and get his stuff and then we will be broke again. I don't understand why we have to be broke constantly when we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. My husband wants a full time job and he is a hard worker. McDonald's told him that when school started that he would get 40 hours a week but they are giving him less and less hours every day. All I do know is that God will make a way and work it all out but, in the meantime I still sit here confused but knowing that I will never turn back or back down.