Feeling not myself

Here lately I feel so not myself. I'm happy it's not bad it's just that I used to feel so productive as a person and I don't feel that now. Whenever I have things to do it feels so hard to just get the motivation to do anything. It's like I don't find enjoyment and things the way I used to and I really don't like feeling this way. I don't even really know how to fix this. I feel like I don't have the energy or the desire to just live life. What I mean by living life is just enjoying doing things not wanting to die because I do want to live. I used to enjoy cooking, and arts and crafts, and decorating our home and it seems like now I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more than sit and do nothing. It's like I have all of these ideas that I want to do but it's like I just can't make myself get up and do anything. I feel down on myself right now because I have gained 50 pounds over this year I was down to a size 17 and now I am back up to a size 22 this makes me so mad at myself I just don't know what to do. I do not want to gain anymore weight I want to lose weight I want to be under 200 lb and now I am up to 244 pounds and I am so mad at myself. It's not like I am eating everything that isn't nailed down I really don't eat a lot so I really don't know why I'm gaining weight and it scares me. I am so thankful that my husband has been healed of his back issues he was prayed for on Sunday and he is feeling so much better I am also thankful that he has a job that he enjoys and the hours are awesome for our family we are now able to attend church Sunday morning Sunday night and Wednesday night and that is really awesome because it is an answer to prayers. It is also helping us to become financially stable and to get things that we need for home and for our family. We are faithful with our ties and offerings to church and that is really important to us. We are able to have car insurance paid and also now we have took the step and have life insurance which was important to my husband to have to take care of our family. It's not that we ever want to have to use life insurance but what I mean by living life is just enjoying doing things not wanting the die because I do want to live. I used to enjoy cooking, and arts and crafts, and decorating our home and it seems like now I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more than sit and do nothing. Its like I have all of these ideas that I want to do but its like I just can't make myself get up in do anything. I feel down on myself right now because I have gained 50 pounds over this year I was down to a size 17 and now I am back up to a size 22 this makes me so mad at myself I just don't know what to do. I do not want to gain any more weight I want to lose weight I want to be under 200 pounds and now I am us to 244 pounds and I am so mad at myself. Its not like I am meeting everything that isn't nail down I really don't eat a lot so I really don't know why I am gaining weight and it scares me. I am so thankful that my husband has been healed up his back issues he was preference Sunday and he is feeling so much better I am also thankful that he has a job that he enjoys and the hours are awesome for our family we are now able to attend church Sunday morning Sunday night and Wednesday night and that is really awesome because it is an answer to prayers. It is also helping us to become financially stable and to get things that we need for home and for family. We are faithful with our ties and offerings to church and that is really important to us. We are able to have car insurance paid and have life insurance which was important to my husband to have to take care of our family. Its not that we ever want to have to use life insurance but when the time comes we. I need to put plans down and actually put into action things that I need to do to get up and be motivated to do something with my life. I love being a stay-at-home mom because it gives me the flexibility to do whatever I want to do. I like the fact that my husband wants me to have the freedom to stay home and not work and that he wants to be able to provide for our family. I really do appreciate that and I love him for that. I want to talk to the lady at church who is over the food pantry for our church and possibly start helping out on Mondays and Tuesdays every week with that I think that if I actually get into a routine of that it will also help me to be able to get out of this blah blah rut. Then I believe that I am going to find something to do as far as crafts again to be able to do something and feel like I am accomplishing something. we went yesterday and I spoke with the lady at the resource center at the middle school and I am going to fill out the background check and paperwork to be able to volunteer whenever needed at the school. I think that this will also give me Purpose with my life. I am no longer taking any medications that the doctors have prescribed for me. I know that most people would think that that is not a good idea but I really don't want to be on medication and I don't feel that I need to be taking all the medication that they are giving me. At one point they had me on over 20 medications and I had weight loss surgery and started losing weight and went off everything and then started feeling not too good so they started putting me back on medications and it just seems like they kept adding one right after the other and now it's back up to 20 again and some of them I feel like don't do anything for me so I have again taking myself off everything and I need to re-evaluate it for myself. I have been hit-or-miss when it comes to writing this blog and I'm not happy with that I want to get into a disciplined attitude to where I write daily the reason I want for that to happen. one of the things that is going on in our family right now is that my husband's daughter is in jail she has a heroin addiction and she got into trouble with her ex and he had her arrested for domestic violence assault and when they tried to arrest her she had drug paraphernalia on her and she resisted arrest so she was put on probation and she has not tried to even change she has been offered drug rehabilitation and she refuses two receipt help. She has chose to not get a job even though she has a college education she has been homeless because of this and I have tried to get her to go to a shelter and get help and she refuses because she likes to live with her friends and do drugs she knows that these things are not acceptable. she has five children and she does not see any of them we have custody of two of them and we have raised them since birth with no help from her. I do not regret having these two children in my life I love them as my own I will always love them. it makes me so angry when she tries to act like she has rights because as far as I'm concerned she has no right to say anything or have a input on these children she is not been there and she has no right as far as I feel. I am to the point right now that I no longer allow her to have contact or speak to the children. she lives in another state and that makes it a little easier because we don't have to worry about running into her in public but she does call and I am friends with her on Facebook. before she violated her probation and was put in jail this time she would call on occasion when she felt like it and would ask about the kids sometimes and I would give her updates but as far as allowing her to speak to the children I no longer let her do that. before I found out that she was doing drugs I allowed her to have contact with the children but I feel like since she wants to do drugs and live her life the way she chooses then I am not going to allow her to put herself before my kids any longer. I don't feel like I am wrong for doing this. her friend guy friend that gives her money anytime she asks for it and he knows that she uses that money for drugs but yet he allows himself to be used by her and he lives in another state from her to me I just feel like he is stupid but that's his business and her business but she has him call here and asked us to send her money and I'm like no I refuse to give her a dime because I know what she does with the money. she has also called and told us I need money to get a hotel room because I'm homeless or I need money because I'm hungry and I want food well I know it sounds so mean but she needs to get up off of her lazy rear end and get a job and take care of herself because the money that comes into our house is to take care of our family I have to worry about these children not some Junkie that does not want to better themselves. I pray for her and I have asked God to send someone or people into her life that can witness to her but that is all I can do she does not listen to me or her dad she gets angry with us because we expect more from her. we raised her better than what she has become her biological mother was a street w**** and a junkie and she died of a drug overdose alone in a motel floor and it's not like this happened when Sarah was a child this happened after she was a grown adult so she saw what happened to her mother and she knows what drugs do to someone but yet she is following in her footsteps and this makes me sick to my stomach. I have always been there for my step-children in fact I was wrong but there was a point in my life where I did put them before my own children I feel so bad for doing that I wish I could go back and change that but I can't ever go back in time I can only go on from here and try to be a better person. I have apologized to my children for this and they say they have accepted my apology but I have a son that has nothing to do with me and I don't know why he has cut off all contact with me with no explanation. I have another son who lives in Virginia and he is going through a lot in life dealing with the death of my mom in 2010 and the death of my dad in January of this year  we are still in contact with each other when he chooses to make time and my heart does go out to him because of all the he is going through. I have a daughter who lives in Tennessee on the border of Virginia she is married and we keep in contact through Facebook and we have a good relationship. also she considers my husband-to-be her dad because he stepped up and took that place for her 18 years ago. as far as my step kids go they made the choice not to be a part of my life I never made that choice when they were growing up I never made a difference I treated them as my own. they are grown adults now and they have chosen to turn their backs on me and my husband who is their dad. I cannot say that it doesn't make me sad or angry because of all the time and energy that I have invested into them. It makes me feel bad because I have raised them and they don't even give me the respect that I deserve for having done this for them. This is why we now live so far away from everyone and we are devoting our lives toto God, each. Other and the 2 children that God has given us.