My dad pass away on Janney 7th 2017. It hit me harder than I really thought it would. Because my mom passed away January 3rd 2010 I thought that I would have been better able to cope with his passing. I was sadly mistaken. I am still feeling the affects of grief. Depression sits like a blanket of fog all around me. I feel as though I am going through the motions of living but I am not happy with life. No I don't want to die because I love my family I just don't feel joy right now and I can't seem to shake this. I want to move forward but thoughts and what if's drag my mind in reverse and the if only's dig at me also like nails on a chalkboard they grated at my soul. My family needs mee and I feel selfish for not being able to move forward with life. My dad and I had our problems but we never stopped loving each other. I may have gotten angry at situations and said stupid things to my husband or myself but I didn't say them to him. He lived life to me in strange ways that I didn't always understand. He died in a way that I was pained to hear. He had lung cancer due to years of smoking. He knew the risks of his actions but he kept on smoking. He watched his sister die of stomach cancer a few years ago so he knew the horrors of cancer. When they found the spot on his lung he chose to turn a blinds eye to it and that always confused me. There is no doubt in my mind that he loved God and his family. When he learned new things about religion he was more than eager to share it with us. I didn't always agree with him but I never let him know because he really believed it and I didn't want to affect his faith. I had stopped calling him in the last few months but I didn't know that those would be his last few months. I had thought that he was mad at me calling all the time but I guess he was just upset because he knew he was dying and he wanted to see us. I wish he would have told me but I can't go back in time and change the past. I am now going to live life with no regrets. If I have something to say I am going to say it. I want to live life and spend time with people who mean the world to me. Life is so short and unexpected and I don't want to have anymore regrets. Now I just need to get over and or thru this funk. It is really weighing on me and I don't like the way I feel. Even though I have my husband and my children I feel alone and abandoned. I wish that I could have gotten to tell my mom and my dad just one last time how much I love them but I feel as though that was stolen from me and I can't wrap my brain around it. I just want to warn people to not take for granted the people who are still living and are part of their life. Make sure you tell them you love them because believe me you don't want to have to go through the rest of your life with regrets and I wish and what if and if only. Theses things will haunt your dreams and over power your thoughts.
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