Grief

Grief washes over you in waves crashing though the very depths of your soul.  One minute you feel fine and the next you feel as though your beating heart is being violently ripped from your chest.  The ones that should have your back because you have always had theirs seem to disappear right before your very eyes. You feel so alone even in a crowded room full of people.  When will this ever end? Just when you feel like you are learning to cope and things are getting better after years of dealing with this pain another death occurs and the feelings rush right back only this time even more intense because you find out that you really are alone. So many questions keep swirling though your mind. All of the why's, and now what's flow through your very being. Sometimes it claws at your soul ripping away the little life that you feel that you have left. When will this ever end? When will all the pain just end?  I really don't understand why all of this is happening to me because I thought I had lived a fairly good life and did mostly the right thing but then things like this happen and it is like both legs get kicked out from under you.  Now as you crawl around because you can't seem to stand back up. It hurts way to bad. When will all the people that you have been there for their whole lives be there for you?  Why does it seem that people turn their backs on you when you really need them the most? I am full of questions and really so confused.  I feel as though I have lost sight of what my purpose in life is. I just feel like I seem to exist.   Day to day and minute to minute I feel as though I am just going through the motions of life without knowing what is going to strike me next. My heart feels like the wall is growing taller around it and that now it is covered with thorns.  Will I ever be the same again? Will I ever be truly happy again? When will someone full heartedly be there for me as I have been there for them? What have I done that has been so wrong to deserve to be suffering through all of this pain? These are just a few of the many questions trickling through my muddled brain.  Why, when and how?