When you are at the end of your rope

Have you ever felt like you are at the end of your rope and the knot that you tied to hold onto is slowly coming undone? I am feeling that way now. It's like I can see the end of this bad stuff is in sight and the good stuff is getting close, but I am slowly slipping downward. First off the fibromyalgia and all the other chronic pain is really starting to get to me. I can't seem to be able to do anything. I have trouble even doing simple things that most people take for granted. For instance, cleaning the house, cooking, bathing, changing clothes, or walking around the house. It seems like whenever I do anything it just further aggravates the pain and makes it worse. There is not one doubt in my mind that my husband doesn't love me because I know he does. Although, at times I don't think that he understands how much pain I am really in. It's not like with other illnesses that you can look and see that there is something wrong. With this nobody can see the pain and only I can feel it. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. I went to the pain doctor yesterday. It was a long time coming because I have been asking to be sent to one for a long while now and I had to pretty much beg my doctor to send me to one. Because of stupid insurance policies is that you have to get a referral from your primary care doctor before you are able to go. Because of all the issues that I am having with my doctor, I have found a new one and I will be going to my first appointment with them in the first week of February. I asked the doctor repeatedly to get me referrals for various specialists and it took her forever to get me to them and then she didn't do it until I had to call and asked about them. Also, she did lab work on me about 2 weeks ago and when the results came back that my vitamin B12 shot is doing its job by keeping my B12 levels at a normal range she decided that she is not going to give me anymore. This is not good news for me because my body has a had time with creating the vitamins that it needs on its own so that is why they originally put me on the B12 injections and vitamin D. Well my vitamin D is still low so she refilled my Vitamin D so that is good but, I know that I am just going to be more and more tired without the shot. I already suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome and it is really hard to even stay awake as it is but, now it is going to get worse again. I hate when a doctor changes up my medicine without good reason. I feel like I should know if something is working or not because it is my body and I know how I feel. That's just like when I was in Russell Springs, the doctor there took me off of my Ibuprophen and Gabipinton. I was on them for a reason and it's called pain. Well, they cut me off cold turkey for no reason. Now I have to go on the 31st to have the nerves in my back burnt. Then on top of all of this, I have really bad knees but, they don't want to do knee replacement surgery right now because they said I am still young and they don't want to have to do multiple surgeries on my knees. So, every 6 months I have to see an orthopedic surgeon to have cortisone injections in both knees. They have already done the gel injections in both knees and that wore off quicker than they wanted it to. I was told at my last visit that they may have to fit my knees for some kind of brace. I finally got my doctor to get me a referral to ortho and I see them on the 29th. Then I also have psoriasis and eczema and I have to see a dermatologist every 3 months for a steroid shot to keep it under control because if not I have severe plaque build up on my elbows, ankles, hands, scalp, and face. When the plaque flakes off it is raw under it and the skin burns. Apparently, the dermatologist is packed because they couldn't get me in until the 1st part of March. I also am supposed to be getting referred to a cardiologist for my heart, a rheumatologist for my fibro and a psychologist and or therapist for depression, bipolar, PTSD, insomnia, OCD, panic attacks, and anxiety. Also, they are supposed to get me into a pulmonologist for my COPD, asthma, and sleep apnea. I am on a breathing machine and I need to have the settings adjusted because they are too low and it feels like I am not getting enough air whenever I do fall asleep. Oh, and let's not forget about a gastrointestonalogist because the found out that I have ulcers and diverticulitis. The stomach doctor put me on Carafate for the ulcers and this doctor that I am seeing wants to ask me why I am on it and when I told her she wants to ask me if I am really sure I need to be on it. I was so aggravated with her because I felt like duh why would a stomach doctor put me on something that I don't need. They did a colonoscopy and an endoscopy and the images clearly showed that I had ulcers and that parts of my stomach are raw and bleeding. Then she wants to question me? I was just like, "wow"! I hate explaining something and then being question like I am too stupid to know what is really going on with my health. Clearly, it is not like I woke up one morning and decided, "Hey, ya know what? I think I want to have all these things wrong with me. I think I will rack up a bunch of doctors and get them to play along too". I mean really? I do have better things to do then to spend all my time juggling around doctors' appointments all over town. I would love for all of this to just go away so that way I could feel somewhat normal again. I feel like all of this is taking over and slowly I am losing myself. It seems like every time I go to the doctor I have to feel out papers that ask all kinds of questions about my feelings and one of the questions is, "do you ever feel like you are better off dead or do you have thoughts of committing suicide"? Well, the answer to that is NO!! I don't want to die. In fact, I think that death is one of my biggest fears. I think that when my mom passed away that is when I really started fearing death. This is because my grandma passed away at age 65 and then my mom passed away at age 65. Both of them died from congestive heart failure. When I turned 40 I started to have trouble with my heart and a heart doctor told me that from the tests she ran that it looks as though I had a slight heart attack last year. All of this has really been a weight on my shoulders that I just can't seem to shake. I know all of this really bothers my husband and he worries but, I can see that at times he gets frustrated and feels like he has everything dumped on him. I don't think that it is fair to him because marriage is supposed to be 50%-50%, but with me having really bad days it falls all on him. I know that we have 3 kids at home and I can't say that they don't help out because they do but, most of the time they only do things when they are told or asked to do them. My husband just wants them to see that something needs to be done and do it without him having to point everything out. Then there are a lot of times that he will point out what needs to be done and they act like it is the end of the world for them to have to do it, but if they want something they are sure quick to ask. Having been hurt by the rest of the kids my husband is having a hard time trusting and even though these 3 have tried to prove to him that they are different he still treats them at times like they are going to be no different and that they too will leave and not talk to him. Sometimes no matter how hard they try he still has that wall of protection because he doesn't want to be hurt anymore. I fully understand why he feels this way. I just wish that he could see that hopefully this time things will be different. Life isn't easy. Sometimes life is extremely hard and not knowing and the what-ifs can really throw you for a loop sometimes. Even though all of this I just have to keep telling myself that I have made it this far and I am not going to give up now no matter how many times I fall I am going to keep getting back up and brushing myself off and keep moving forward.