Have you ever...?

Have you ever had one of those days or moments when everything is riding on what seems to be your very last nerve and you don't know weither to scream or cry?  Well this feeling started for me again last night and it has filered over into this morning.  Generally when I feel this way especially in the evenings I will go to sleep and in the morning it generally will have passed, but not this time.  I cried myself to sleep last night with the demons in my head telling me what a worthless, lazy, sorry excuse for a human being that I am.  Usually I can quiet them down but, last night they just ran rampid in my mind and I ended up falling asleep after midnight.  Anyone that knows me can tell you that I am on most every night asleep my nine.  Not last night though I tried so hard to get myself to just calm down but, nothing worked. I tossed and turned the night away and woke up to the alarm going off at 5:30 AM.  I really hate this about myself. I don't know how to make it stop and I feel weak against resisting it. This morning I am going to try really hard to relax and allow my mind to rest.  I allow myself to brow beat myself because I do feel like a failure and a burden to everyone even if they don't say it outloud.  I hate having to ask anyone for help because I do not want anyone to feel like I am putting them out.  Deep down I know my husband loves me but, there is always that nagging little voice that tells me that I should feel sorry for him being saddled with me. I have so many physical and mental disabilities that I cannot successfully hold down a job that I know that I am a financial burden on everyone.  I mean he has physical limitations and he still holds down a full-time job so me not working has to mean that I am lazy.  Half the time I don't even do a decent job with the housework and cooking.  Pain aside I am just going to have to suck it up and make this house spotless and start exercising and not eating so that way I can lose this ugly fat and not be a burden on everyone.  I have made a decision that from now on I am going to start doing everything for myself and not rely on anyone but, myself to get anything done.  I am trying to be less argumentitive and more quiet as not to bother anyone.  I hate feeling like this.  My insides feel like they are shaking and vibrating.  I would not with this feeling on anyone.  On another not one of my older step-daughters got out of jail and called me to with me a happy late mother's day.  She also wanted to let me know that while she was in jail got clean again and she has to stay in Georga for a year until she is off probation.  She is starting all over again from rock bottom and I always pray that this is the time that she makes it okay.  I try not to blame myself for the way that my step-kids have turned out but, those mean voices inside my head always tell me that if I would have been a better mother figure then maybe they wouldn't have turned out the way that they have and just maybe they wouldn't hate me as much as they do.  I mean even my own kids that I actually gave birth to hate me so why should the rest of them hate me to.  Even the gradkids that we have raised seem to hate me more often than not.  My daughter/granddaughter tells me most of the time how I never do anything right anymore.  I know there are times when I just don't feel good but, as my husband has said that is no excuse because he works full time and hurts.  The least I can do is make sure the house is spotless and dinner is amazing and stop spending any money whatsoever.  Even if he gives me money to spend on myself from now on I am going to start spending it on him and the kids because I don't deserve to spend any money on myself or at least that is how I feel.  I just feel like I have fell into this bottomless pit and I can't seem to find my way out and I feel as though dirt is being thrown in on top of me and the harder I try to struggle the more dirt falls in on top of me and I am going to be buried alive.  I try to keep a smile on myself even though the smile is fake because I don't want to burden anyone with my emotional baggage.  Maybe if I lay still and don't struggle againt anything it will be over faster and then I can finally be at peace.  I feel miserable and I have to one to turn to because I am embarassed enough that the family living in our home sees me this way.  Why would I ever want to let a stranger in to see what a failure and screw up I really am.  No I am not writing this so that people feel sorry for me I just hope that maybe my pitiful excuse of a life and the things that I go through can help someone not to have to experience the things that I am experiencing.  I would never in a million years wish any of these feelings on anyone.  No one deserves to ever feel the way that I feel.  Peace and Love to all my friends and family.