Rain Rain Go Away

Well today it is raining yet again and I am not happy about it.  I know that when the crops and gardens get planted and the rain is needed to be able for things to grow but, right now all it is causing is a big muddy mess and I don't like it.  I feel like the weather should stick to the rules that I learned when I was growing up and that is December thru February is the wintery cold months and them March comes along and it is supposed to be windy.  Because March winds bring April showers, April showers bring May flowers and May flowers bring June bugs.  I learned this when I was younger and that is the way that I feel the weather should be and it should act accordingly.  Although with all of the global warming and crap going on it is no wonder that the weather is all screwed up.  I try to teach my kids the little sayings that I learned as a kid like, red skies at night sailors delight, red skies in the morning sailors take warning.  I have also tried to teach all of my kids that they should make memories whenever possible because those are the things that you have to hold onto the rest of your life, especially when the people that you love are gone from your life either by death or they have moved on.  For me it is sad when people move on not by death but because they have decided that they no longer want to be a part of your life.  For me it is upsetting because I invest so much of my life to them and in them that I feel I should have more respect then what they give me.  I meant I do know that 7 of the kids had a mother but their mother was never there for them and when she disappointed them I was the one that was there to pick up the pieces and do things with them and take them places and things like that but, 4 of them who's mother passed away due to an overdose they act as though she was a saint which is crazy because like my mother always said "just because a person dies it doesn't change the kind of person that they really was".  I understand mourning the passing of a parent even though the parent wasn't really a good part of your life because my biological dad passed away and it was upsetting for me.  He was never a part of my life and one minute he claimed me and the next he didn't claim me.  I thank my cousin because she sent me his obituary but, when I read it they had but down my 2 half sisters and of course the grand kids and such but they listed some guy and said that he was like a son to him.  It was kind of like a slap in the face because it made me feel like wow he and that part of the family would claim someone who isn't really blood but, they are still sweeping me under the carpet.  I still like the fact that my cousin sent it to me because it allowed me to see a picture of him for the first time because I had always wondered what he looked like and that gave me that opportunity.  I am even being shunned by 2 of my children that I actually gave birth to and I honestly cannot tell you why they don't want me to be a part of their lives.  All of this does weigh heavy on my mind sometimes but, I try not to dwell on it because when I do it puts me in a depressive state that I really don't want to be in.  I try to focus on the fact that I am raising 2 kids that do love me and I love them with all my heart and they are special to me.  Yes there are times when I would like to smack them sillier than they already are and yes we all get on each others nerves sometimes but we are a family and there are times when you don't always see eye to eye but I am trying to instill in the that family doesn't always get along but you always stick together and have each others backs.  We are always trying to make good memories that way they will have something to look back on when we pass on.  I drug my feet and pitched a fit because my husband wanted to get life insurance for us and I didn't want to think about it because to be perfectly honest I don't want to think about dying.  My grandmother passed away at age 65 and then my mother passed away at age 65 and for me that is a big fear for me. I don't want to die at age 65 I want to be able to live a long life and be able to see all of my kids grow and fall in love and get married and have kids of their own.  So when my husband said that we needed to get life insurance it really scared me because all I could thing of was that he was expecting that I was going to die.  He didn't feel this way he just wanted to get it while we are young enough for it not to be as expensive.  I understand this but this ugly fear creeps up in the back of my mind and I have to constantly fight it off.  I have not really sat down and told anyone about my fears.  I keep a lot to myself because I don't really have anyone to talk to since my mother passed away, she was not only my mother she was my best friend.  We had a very open and honest relationship and I could tell her anything and she was not judgmental and that was really an awesome quality that I have inherited from her and I am very thankful for that.  On to today's agenda the kids are going to see their new doctor today and then I have some laundry to do and I have to go to the grocery store again so that way I can get food for the weekend because we are hoping with the weather permitting we are having my little sis and her girls and my aunt and uncle over for lunch and to see our new place.  I am excited about this because I really do love this part of my family.  No they are not blood but, they have been a part of my life for so long they are my family.  Well I better close for now and get busy.  Love and Peace to all.